Saying Goodbye To Things Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To, aka The Copywriter's Crutch

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Bye! Good-bye! Goodbye! Farewell!

6 Lies Told By The "Street Sense" Brochure, Handed Out By My Local Police

Some cops (at least I think they were cops)  handed these poorly-photocopied brochures out at my local train station in New Jersey. This shit is riddled with lies.

1) If it's common sense, how come you have to print and hand out brochures about it?

2) Walking across a supermarket parking lot with your feet in shopping bags is NOT common sense.

3) "Trust your instincts." Jesus Lord. There are so many stupid, misguided, immature, delusional, and bat-shit crazy people out there already trusting their instincts, that it renders this advice useless.

4) "Don't pick up hitchhikers. Don't hitchhike. Period." Exception: if it's a really, really sexy hitchhiker wearing Daisy Dukes shorts with nobody hiding behind the bush directly behind her, it's totally okay.

5) "If someone harasses you, don't be embarrassed. Loudly say 'Leave me alone!' If that doesn't work, hit the emergency device." LIES. There is no emergency device on a bus. That is a cord telling the driver to drop you off so you can get mugged off her bus.

6) Why is the National Crime Prevention Council illegally copying clearly COPYWRITTEN MATERIAL? Are they above the law? Also, a photocopy is not always printed on recycled paper. Lies lies lies.

EADJ is proud to announce the Six Lies Told LEGO set, available exclusively at Discovery Center and this website. This enjoyable LEGO playset features 5 custom lying mini-figures, an underwater vehicle, a shark, and over 500 individual pieces of false information. Start lying today!

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)