Flood Coverage

Even in waders standing in floodwaters filled with poo and gasoline, Channel 2's Kristine Johnson still knows how to look good.


Work that disaster area, sister!

Spotted In South Carolina

Something you typically see in South Carolina:

Every "Best Supporting Actress" Nomination Set-Up Speech.

"A nurse lost on a beach. A mother-to-be on the run from the law. A desperate jewelry shop owner. A prostitute who can read minds. And an autistic stewardess with enormous breasts. These are the nominees for "Best Supporting Actress." This year's performances ranged from the absurd and harrowing to the triumphant and luminescent. And tonight, we celebrate these five roles, each played to perfection by the finest actresses they could find for the budget with the best approximate age and costume size specs. Each honed their craft and poured their soul onto the screen for all the world to see– at least the parts of the world that have artsy movie theatres that can show such obscure and almost-definitely not profitable films.

"Tonight's nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:

Emily Blunt in "Nights In Florence Nightingale"

Cameron Diaz in "Broke Water"

Marcia Gay Harden in "Gold Leaf Detail"

Charlize Theron in "You're Name's Not John"

and Salma Hayek in "24D"

"And the winner is..."

Eat eat eat a dick Joel Joel Joel

For the next week, Joel will be undergoing some serious (but elective) cosmetic surgery.

First, he will get his stomach tucked. This will help enhance his abs while giving a lift to his upper quads.

Then he will have the skin on his shoulders tightened. The reason for this is that he wants a smooth, babylike surface on his shoulders for dudes to rest their hands on while he's eating their dick.

Finally, he will have his mouth widened. "Many times I have tried to devour dick and found the circumference of my piehole to be too wee," Joel explains, "Now I will be able to gobble more than four at a time. Plus, with my new bowl haircut, I'll look just like Carol Channing!"

Then he farted and giggled.

(pictured above, Tom Lichtenheld explains the new scientific method that will be used to kill all future Corona work)