More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Time to cash out." *shoots stupid gun*

(dialogue muffled because the low budget sound is so bad)

"What? I don't do that shit. If you wanted a nut log, you should've gone to a Stuckey's!"

"Hello! I'm a kid's entertainer, but at the same time I'm a contractor creating headaches for my client and running behind schedule and going over budget!"

"Your brain is raining again."

(sighs) "Sorry."

"C'mon, team! Let's hunker down and get the stuff and get this done TOGETHER!"

"What the sam fuck are you talking about, Keith?"

"The air conditioner is broken."

"Oh well. Let me drink this McFlurry and then lick your back with the M&M pieces."

An Open Letter To Papa John of Papa John's Pizza

Dear "Papa" John Schnatter of Papa John's Pizza,

Dude. You are too fucking YOUNG. When I first heard of you in Atlanta, I was picturing your classic jolly, fat Italian man with a chef's hat playfully worn askew, possibly sporting a black mustache and winking at the camera. A stereotype, to be sure, reinforced by years of Yellow Pages ads and takeout menu clip art. And once I actually sampled my first delicious slice of Papa John's hand-tossed BBQ Chicken and Bacon pizza, that image morphed into a chubby cheeked older man– possibly balding– but still with a jaunty kerchief and a fat belly under his apron. And you were either tossing some pizza dough in the air or doing that Italian thing with your fingers that either indicates "okay" or "delicioso!" Yeah, that was a good image.

So imagine my dismay and disappointment when I finally see a photo of you in a menu. You look like you're only twenty, son! You have a lustrous full head of hair, and worse than that, you're not even fat. I might as well have seen a photo of a skinny albino Bangladeshi girl in a pizza apron, or a robot praying mantis with pepperoni dreadlocks. Or Blanka from Street Fighter.

I will admit, "Papa," it is very impressive that you've created a multi-million dollar empire of more than 3,000 franchisees worldwide at such a tender age. It's a credit to your ingenuity that you've accomplished so much while still looking like the kid who passes out at a party and gets the word "SMEGMA" drawn on his forehead. So, kudos to that.

But don't you see your youth and fitness work against the image of delicious pizza? Don't you realize you don't even look like you could make a ketchup sandwich? All those pizza chef stereotypes exist for a reason, "Papa." People who look like you usually can't cook for shit.


Yeah, I know that in a few decades, your metabolism will catch up with you, and you'll start graying and getting a paunch. And the image will finally match the product. Maybe until then you could grow some black sideburns, start playing the accordion and hire a monkey in a fez? Please?

Age already, Skeeter.

Sincerely,
EADJ

They're Back!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Weather.

Tonight's weather at Oak Ridge, LA:

89ºF, Mostly Cloudy,
Wind: N at 5 mph
Humidity: 58%

Uncle Roberto's Fun Fact: Most women don't like gin. Those who do are most likely hookers. So, careful.

"In The Nude," Part 2 of an ongoing series

(The following is the second entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Avalanches Blow"

Avalanches: The Very Loud Killer… The Distinctly Audible Killer… okay… The Ridiculously Loud Killer. Screaming is often met with the unspeakable experience of withstanding the wrath of the mountains. As scary as such an occurrence may be, screaming at the horrific sight will only inspire more deadly, snow covered, carnage to rain upon your otherwise totally awesome Spring Break party weekend with totally hot babes skiing in two pieces for apparently no reason, and you’ve got to out-ski the opposing camp for rule of the slopes!

Avalanches have claimed 484 fatalities upon the American populous since 1985, these natural disasters are not to be confused with the recording artist ‘The Avalanches’ (note the ‘s’ denoting plural). These guys are totally decent musicians, if you like that sort of thing.

Now come on, 484 fatalities is nothing. 484!? Please. I’ve racked up at least 539 on Mortal Kombat. Granted those are compounded numbers following the entirety of the video game series, and greatly serve as evidence of an otherwise unfulfilling childhood. But nonetheless those numbers still impress. What is even more is that Mortal Kombat SUCKED! I mean seriously, why would you play a 2D fighting game where you have to press a stupid button to block? Really!?

Street Fighter was a WAAAAY better series, that kicked as much ass as Blanka beating the crap out of Chun-Li (I remember her being a lot hotter)

No stupid buttons for blocking in this game, just hold the back direction. The game series was also a whole lot better than that stupid movie, which will unfortunately stand forever as the last work of totally decent actor Raul Julia.

In short, Avalanches may SEEM big and scary, but don’t fret too much. I’m really good at video games and Avalanches don’t scare me a lick.

Catch y’all on the flip! –Joe Nudelman