Some More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Lou at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• All this radiation is probably bad for my health

• Is that baby trying to shoplift a drone?

• I wonder if that clerk in Qdoba fucks like a beast

Kara at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• These shoes are pretty good, but my dogs are still barking

• I wonder if this counts as flight time for pilots

• That last episode of Westworld didn't make any sense

Kara at the T-Mobile kiosk in the Kittery Outlet Mall in Kittery, ME

• I bet I could karate chop this table in half in one try

• That guy has a nice ass

• How do I tell my brother about the dent in the PT Cruiser?

Roger at the Straight Ahead kiosk in the Cascade Mall in Burlington, WA

• This job is crimping my style, ha ha

• How do we know that Thanos killed only half of humanity? Could he be lying?

• Lobster rolls are pretty gross when you think about it

Douglas at the Premier Cosmetics kiosk in the Potomac Mills Mall in Woodbridge, VA

• All this stuff is so worthless, I bet I could go to a third matinee today and people still wouldn't swipe anything

• That punching game at the carnival is totally rigged. I'm way stronger than that.

• I bet I could go home for the night and nobody would swipe anything from the kiosk

Tanya at the Hickory Farms kiosk in the North Shore Square Mall in Slidell, LA

• Even though it's well-ventilated, I go home reeking of sausage like a punk

• Nobody buys this shit in the summer. It's all gross when it's hot.

• I bet some frosted tips would look pretty sweet on me

EADJ Summer Segment: Creators Explain

This is part 2 of an ongoing seasonal series, where we have asked the creators of various beach toys to explain their invention. This week: Sam Kretfell, inventor of Reach Volley

SK: Yeah, this is one o' those games where you throw this tennis ball thing and catch it with these velcro paddles 'n shit.

EADJ: Isn't the name a little confusing by sounding a lot like 'beach volleyball'?

SK: Nah, man. This is Reach Volley. Your homie volleys that shit to you, and you reach, dig? 'S fun for kids or whatever.

EADJ: Okay.

SK: That's it.

EADJ: Is this sold at dollar stores?

SK: Yeah, how'd you know?

Kid Slide Was Panicked.

Kid Slide was panicked.

Wall Plug envied his brother's beard.

Tile Wall was apathetic.

FIFA Logo was screaming as he melted.

Cloud was !

Squidward was depressed.

Schoolbus Headlight's eyes hurt.

Neighbor's Door envied his brother's Van Dyck.

Group Chat icon was just sad.

The ProofrEADJer: End O' June Edition

UAG

Preview of Next Week's Info Wars Conspiracies

Alex Jones is like Charlie Brown, except rounder, more racist and less popular. His talented team of writers are currently cooking up new bullshit conspiracies for Alex to feed to his awaiting dumb listeners. Here is a taste of what they have in store for next week:

• Skim milk is just whole milk with one liter of contact lens saline solution mixed in.

• San Francisco's famous Lombard Street is windy on purpose to ruin people's tires and have them hopefully run over some hobos at the bottom. This is how San Francisco deals with its homeless.

• If you let a baby's crib mobile turn counter clockwise instead of clockwise, it will grow up to be a progressive socialist commie.

• Chicks with A-cup bras are either lesbians or men in drag. Also, they're not attracted to Alex Jones.

• All of North Korea's nuclear launch codes are the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's 1985 song "Part Time Lover" scrambled slightly.

• Malignant mesothelioma is not caused by asbestos exposure. Rather, it is the result of NOT COLLECTING ENOUGH BEANIE BABIES IN THE NINETIES

• You crazy, man.

• Most chestnuts are raised by a small Satanist collective in Maine. They are blessed and distributed by atheists and witches to poison the stomachs and minds of white Christian children.

Here's the Latest Batch of Shit Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Week of July 20, 2018

From: Jesse Banfort
To: All
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2018
Subject: This week's job numbers

Hey there all. This is Jesse B (not Jessie D from shipping!) with this week's job numbers for your timesheet entry.

Please note that these numbers are different from last week's and that you cannot copy/paste your entries from then. Copy/paste on a work computer can compromise the security of your workstation. Please remember and thank you!


Search: LEZ PORN GIFS

Job numbers: 

474890: Wishin'

474891: Hopin'

474892: Thinkin'

474893: Prayin'

474894: Plannin'

4748905: Dreamin' his kisses to start

992368: Inviting Donna to the "gun show"

605511: Having awkward conversation with the IT guy while he de-frags your computer or whatever

023452: Trying to find a more original phrase than "poop chute"

592284: Correcting someone's "Pinky and the Brain" quote

299003: Being the badass to print out Internet recipes on COMPANY PAPER

028499: "Creating buzz" about your dick

868541: Leaving goddamned red ribbons everywhere

420499: Cutting a tight enough hole in some foam board to fuck

102271: Dividing your consolidated debt back into many small irritating debts

700989: Putting on your "good" Tevas for tonight's date

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Popularity of LEGO Videogames

"Ahh. good question... erg... Ah... LEGO are a favorite at my house... Ahh... shit... the videogames combine the joy of building with LEGO with... UGGGH!... the ability of videogames to explore new worlds... GAH... can't breathe... FUCK... The writing is also very humorous... ah... ahh... uh... and... um, people enjoy seeing familiar movies... Ah.... ah... or shows... reenacted in L... LE...LE..." *dies*

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of June 18

Twitter continues to be the social media platform of choice for trolls, conceited assholes, and misinformed douchebags. But even they refuse to use the following hashtags, mainly because they still have taste. So feel free to use any of these in your posts that nobody will ever read:

#nofilternot

#humbleselfie

#purellinmypeehole

#cevichefilleddonuts

#brunswickstewenemas

#botheringSmoothBathome

#someonefartedinmyscubamask

#thinkingthephraseclamdiggerisdirty

#makingmyownsalsafromjarsofsalsa

#cleaningsemenoffacappuccinomachine

#KirkCameronlifetimeachievementOscar

#everybodyinDragonballZlookslikethey'retakingashit

New EADJ Segment: Creators Explain

As a public service, EADJ would like to share our spotlight with those who don't have quite the massive audience we do. All summer, we will be featuring the creator of a beach toy and ask them to explain it and the inspiration behind it.

This week: Hurley Turwell, the inventor of Spyderball.

HT: Spyderball, man. It's like volleyball meets handball meets "Top Gun", man! Instead of a volleyball net, you got this crazy beach trampoline, and you gotta bounce it off the trampoline to score over the other team. The ball is smaller than a kickball, so you can grip it and really whale on the other team, man!

EADJ: Why do you call it Spyderball?

HT: Because the trampoline is sort of like a web, and you gotta really keep your eye on the ball, so you gotta SPY it, get it? 

EADJ: Are you on drugs right now?

HT: No way, man! I'm natural! You wanna play a few rounds of Spyderball?

EADJ: No, we're good.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Premise of The BBC America Series "Orphan Black"

"Orphan Black?... Uh... Ah... Yeah, I loved that show... Ahh... shit... It's about.. uh, this girl named Sarah who discovers .. OUCH!... discovers other girls who look... GAH... exactly like her and... Like, uh... ah... can't breathe.... she assumes the identity of one of them... ah... ahh... uh... the... um, Elizabeth Childs, was her name, right?... Ah.... ah... and what's really interesting about the show is..." *shits himself*

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Take a Screenshot On Android ZTE ZMAX

1) Make sure the image you want to capture is displayed on the screen.

2) Press and hold the Power and Volume down buttons at the same time.

3) The screenshot is automatically saved in your Gallery.

And speaking of gallery, I'm no art critic, but it's been my experience that the best artists don't sit in the back of a limo and brag about how many dollars their paintings sold for at Sotheby's or whatever just to get the lady friend they're with to sleep with them. Stay safe, kids!

More Stupid Conspiracies To Look Forward To On The Next "Info Wars"

Alex Jones has a fat head full of boiled hot dog water and hatred. But before he vomits the latest tinfoil hat batshit out of his lie hole, his writers need to compose them carefully. Here are some  narratives that he'll push soon:

• If you lay one Dorito on top of another and turn it a little, you get a Star of David. Jew chips!

• Debbie Wasserman Schultz is really Rachel Dolezal in whiteface

• The Civil War wasn't fought over slavery. It was just one big disagreement over a Groupon.

• Women can't get herpes from Alex Jones by giving him a handjob. I assure you.

• Mike Pence makes the Sign of the Cross to protect him from dirty thoughts when driving by a Jiffy Lube.

•  Mountain Dew Code Red is brewed special from Mark Ruffalo's tears.

• If you play the Imperial March around Hillary Clinton, she orgasms.

• The nation's abortion clinics all have teleportation capability, so you can instantly teleport to whatever state still does them legally.

• The mullet is just an emo haircut BACKWARDS! 

A Few More Taglines For A Movie That Probably Spent About 5 Minutes In Theatres

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Nuclear Triad

"The Nuclear Triad?... Uh... Ah... Okay, I know this... Ahh... shit... That's the... uh, way to describe a nation's nuclear capabilities in war... OUCH!... Ah man... Like it's three things, right? Like, uh... ah... the nuclear missile systems and.... ah, nuclear subs, and ah... ahh... uh... the... um, nuclear bombs dropped from aircraft, right? Right?... Ah.... ah... I thought so... yeah..." *blacks out*

A Few More Available But Terrible Porn Names

We get it. You're young, eager to make money and don't have enough regrets in life. So you're trying porn! First thing you'll need is a name. Here are some available ones because previous porn stars thought they were too stupid. Not you, though. Have at it:

HIM

Stevia

Miles Fromfuckable

Opie Oid Epidemic

Dan De Soleil

Rectum Ralph

Marco DeBeast

HER

Stevia

Dane Jerzone

Hoda Damelevator

Paramecia Gash

Ellen M.O.P.

Sangria Retardo

Nadine DaButte

Jenny Talia

Many a Trip Continues Long After Movement In Time and Pathmark Have Ceased