New Jersey Can't Star Wars.

A post from the Maplewood, New Jersey Department of Community Services on May the fourth:

Just rolls of the tongue, right?

And here's a program for the Newark Performing Arts Center:

Wait, something looks off here...

That artwork is clearly Anakin and Obi Wan fighting on the lava planet Mustafar, which happened in Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, not Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.

C'mon New Jersey! Get it right.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept 21-25

Hello all. This is Gary Helmwell from Mebane, NC. I'm an old college friend of your CEO James Sinper, or as we. used to call him, "Snipper" LOL. Since James has started his sentence in Federal prison for the thing he did (which he still denies), he neglected to inform anyone except me that job numbers are required for all you employees to fill out timesheets in order to get paid. Now, why would he tell me that and not someone on staff? Snipper be crazy like that, I guess LOL. Anyhoo, here are the job numbers you'll need.

83009: Explaining the difference between Spanish and Portuguese to a tourist

21312: Fetching the smelling salts, posthaste

44821: Watching someone play Skitch on the Switch on Twitch

02944: Suffering

73242: Getting over yourself

90017: Acc-ent-uating the positive

83533: "Doing my own research" about Covid

21776: Speed-reading the Kama Sutra

61399: How we do

05244: Apologizing for your crazy sister

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Week of July 20, 2018

From: Jesse Banfort
To: All
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2018
Subject: This week's job numbers

Hey there all. This is Jesse B (not Jessie D from shipping!) with this week's job numbers for your timesheet entry.

Please note that these numbers are different from last week's and that you cannot copy/paste your entries from then. Copy/paste on a work computer can compromise the security of your workstation. Please remember and thank you!


Search: LEZ PORN GIFS

Job numbers: 

474890: Wishin'

474891: Hopin'

474892: Thinkin'

474893: Prayin'

474894: Plannin'

4748905: Dreamin' his kisses to start

992368: Inviting Donna to the "gun show"

605511: Having awkward conversation with the IT guy while he de-frags your computer or whatever

023452: Trying to find a more original phrase than "poop chute"

592284: Correcting someone's "Pinky and the Brain" quote

299003: Being the badass to print out Internet recipes on COMPANY PAPER

028499: "Creating buzz" about your dick

868541: Leaving goddamned red ribbons everywhere

420499: Cutting a tight enough hole in some foam board to fuck

102271: Dividing your consolidated debt back into many small irritating debts

700989: Putting on your "good" Tevas for tonight's date

Here Are Your Timesheets For April 2018

--------------------------------------

From: Haarun Shalhoub <haarun.shalhoub@delirass.com>

Subject: Times Seets Rminder

To: "AGENCY" <allagency@corporative.com>

Date: Tuesday, April 2, 2018, 5:26 PM

Hello this is Haarun from the deli downstairs in the building

Your boss told me to send out reminder of times sheets being the due at E.O.D. (end of day) today

Here are the job numbers incase you required to use them thank you:

--------------------------------------

54315: Shitting me

54315b: Not shitting me

29929: Fostering a hostile work environment

024433: Explaining how the "Cloverfield Cinematic Universe" isn't just a catch-all handle for a bunch of different bullshit

68228: Accidentally using Grindr instead of Flickr

92753: Spitting gum into the urinal like an asshole

28828: Spoiling the season premiere of "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt"

81123: Scolding the dog for acting like a dog

936669: Trying to remember if Ezra Miller is an actor or a singer

752013: Praying the gay back

649002: Mustering the courage to call someone handicapped an asshole (and they were being one)

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week Of Sept 8

HI this is Cassandra the daughter of DADDY

He left me in his office while he goes to a MEETING but he wanted me to send OUT the JOB NUMBERS for timesheets which Daddy says is DUE at the end of the day

After this SENTENCE are the job numbers everyone is SUPPOSED to use:

82455 -  Convincing the freelancer to quit

53252 - Wrestle with your conscience

53253 - Wrestle with your partner

20005 - Somehow finding fault in the OK Go music videos on YouTube

85258 - Spraying PAM between your tits

80030 - Staying up late at night, hating Hillary Clinton

75590 - Inspecting the working conditions at the Cheesecake Factory 

41123 - Gluing googly eyes to the back of a corpse's head

35875 - Making up job numbers

48814 - Pretending you didn't just sit hard on your balls

35801 - Kegel exercises

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week (DUE EOD TODAY!)

Hello

This security guard Yuri from downstairs

Sorry for not speak English as hot as rest of you workers, but managerment ask me to remind every one in office to fill out sheets of time before day end. Other wise department of accounting will be un-able to "cut" a pay-check for your particular employee number.

HE SAY THIS EMPORTANT

Please see list below for list of number to use for timessheets:

TIMESSHEETS BEGIN NOW:



83485 - Knocking the hustle

28555 - Choking on bubble tea yet AGAIN

42409 - Waking up at Medieval Times with no memory of how you got there

99244 - Saying you'll drain the swamp when in fact you're making it worse with even more corrupt appointees

11135 - Deciding between a hard taco and a soft taco

29492 - Pinpointing why "Suicide Squad" sucked so much dick

83347 - Calling your friend Margaret "Maggie" for the first time to make sure it's okay

421193 - Strumming my pain with his fingers

399304 - Sharing my life with his words

441486 - Eating corn on the cob the wrong way, making you look like a goddamned slut

252009 - Checking grandma for a pulse and being disappointed

731424 - Smuggling barbiturates in your Hatchimal

Here Are Your Job Numbers For This Week

Hi all-

Karlsen from IT here. Those of you who do not subscribe to my monthly Snorks fan fiction podcast may not be familiar with my sense of humor, so please bear with my wacky sensibilities as I make the following company-wide announcement:

ATTENTION ALL EARTHLINGS: YOUR TIMESHEETS ARE DUE BY END OF DAY TODAY. THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY. FAILURE TO DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER WILL RESULT IN DISINTEGRATION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HUMAN WEAKLINGS!!!!

j/k, guys. Here are the job numbers:

582597: Translating the lyrics for Starship's "Sara" into Spanish

732201: Hiding your ATM PIN number from the prostitute that's with you

124187: Hiding your raging hard-on during an audit

663215: Ordering from QVC just to talk to another human being

922593: Whipping out your Qdoba loyalty card at a Chipotle

222750: Hoping your friends don't notice you stole a bunch of Opie and Anthony jokes

524597: Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name without having to Google it

820005: Bullying Best Buy's Geek Squad

886363: Communicating with your better self in a parallel universe

392581: Successfully resuscitating Resusci-Anne doll

272203: Stopping your cable news interview to vomit into a bucket

634524: Using chip clips to clamp your belly fat for laffs

711129: Swatting at imaginary bees that are actually not imaginary at all

Ten Tough Questions For You

1) What are you doing at McDonald's?

2) Of all the things you could order at McDonald's why would you order a Filet-O-Fish®?

3) If you were somehow forced into ordering a Filet-O-Fish®, why in God's name would you want two of them?

4) Now that you have two Filet-O-Fishes®, are you going to actually sit there in public and eat both of those nasty fucking things?

5) Does all that tartar sauce make you feel like a porn star?

6) Did you ever notice that there is fucking CHEESE in those things? Great Shit.

7, 8) How do you feel after downing two Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches although you only paid for one? Do you feel like you got away with something, or do you feel like you're being punished for something?

9) On the back of your new receipt, is there yet another coupon for a free Filet-O-Fish® with a purchase of a Filet-O-Fish®?

10) Do you have $2?

Ooga Booga Racist Appliances!

Stickin' It To Tha Man, Dawg

Spotted at a hip-hop music festival: three dudes tag a recycling bin. Really.


A recycling bin.


Really.

An IM Convo

Sometimes Entries Don't Need a Write-Up.