Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain Why Has His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs

"Uggh... I'm so glad you asked... *gah* It's... uh... a pretty funny story, actually.... *ACK!* You see, what happens was... (gags) uh... ah.... I was originally supposed to... (muffled) eh... no... wait. I was... originally... OWW!.. originally sup... *TAH! TAH! TAH!*...." (dies)

More Stupid Conspiracies To Look Forward To On The Next "Info Wars"

Alex Jones has a fat head full of boiled hot dog water and hatred. But before he vomits the latest tinfoil hat batshit out of his lie hole, his writers need to compose them carefully. Here are some  narratives that he'll push soon:

• If you lay one Dorito on top of another and turn it a little, you get a Star of David. Jew chips!

• Debbie Wasserman Schultz is really Rachel Dolezal in whiteface

• The Civil War wasn't fought over slavery. It was just one big disagreement over a Groupon.

• Women can't get herpes from Alex Jones by giving him a handjob. I assure you.

• Mike Pence makes the Sign of the Cross to protect him from dirty thoughts when driving by a Jiffy Lube.

•  Mountain Dew Code Red is brewed special from Mark Ruffalo's tears.

• If you play the Imperial March around Hillary Clinton, she orgasms.

• The nation's abortion clinics all have teleportation capability, so you can instantly teleport to whatever state still does them legally.

• The mullet is just an emo haircut BACKWARDS! 

The ProofrEADJer: End of January Edition

UAG

We Don't Really Need Another Off-Brand TP Roundup, Do We?

Just a small one, then? Fine.

Brand: Blue Ribbon

Label: A blue ribbon, duh.

Feels Like: Sprinkling sand on a lathe and then straddling it.

Brand: Unknown white label brand

Label: Picture of a polar bear skeeting cocaine onto a giant tooth

Feels Like: Rutting a pine cone whilst riding a bumpy luge.

Brand: Greenlane

Label: Green disco lettering

Feels Like: Hiding the Necronomicon between your ass cheeks.

A Half Dozen Haikus

Look, some idiot made a haiku about every person in that awful photo in the New Jersey Transit survey brochure.

A bystander, mute

No conversation offered

Useless dimpled man

Tall, blonde, engaging

Her laugh even seems sincere

Collar popped? Hell yes

Sitting in the back

Separated from the rest

Rosa Parks would weep

Tossing her brown hair

Pretending to laugh at jokes

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

Who's the man on board

Whose dick swings like a caber

Thumbs point to this guy

This one fellow points

Tries steering convo this way

Nobody gives shit