Yet More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

All previous entries here.

It isn't enough for ubiquitous popstar Ariana Grande to dominate the charts and radio playlists; she also would like the world to recognize her as the cutest thing EVAR. We at this humble blog respectfully disagree with Ms. Grande, offering the following list of things that are objectively cuter:

• Pony saddles

• Those little white shoes that the animated M&Ms wear.

• The way dogs wolf down cupcakes

• Origami Yoda

• That red cement ball in front of Target that kids love to climb on and that old people bump their hip against

• The German word for little bear: Bärchen

• The Mars Attacks! flying saucers

• Stuffing apples into your sleeves so it looks like you have biceps

• Squirtle

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Nuclear Triad

"The Nuclear Triad?... Uh... Ah... Okay, I know this... Ahh... shit... That's the... uh, way to describe a nation's nuclear capabilities in war... OUCH!... Ah man... Like it's three things, right? Like, uh... ah... the nuclear missile systems and.... ah, nuclear subs, and ah... ahh... uh... the... um, nuclear bombs dropped from aircraft, right? Right?... Ah.... ah... I thought so... yeah..." *blacks out*

Live Long and Pathmark

A Few Retail Stores And The Likelihood That They'll Sell Unusual Products

Staples

3-ring binder dividers (pink) with pockets: 90% chance

Contraceptive sponges: 3% chance

Old Navy

Flip flops: 95,000% chance

Pants that don't make you look either effeminate or masculine in ways you didn't intend: 18% chance

Bass Pro Shops

Live bait that screams when you put it on a hook: 67% chance

Nail polish remover: 7% chance

Best Buy

TV with no HDMI but with *both* RCA and coaxial cable ins: 71% chance

A faulty dryer that has 8 lbs of smuggled cocaine inside: 45% chance

CVS Pharmacy

Picture frames with already broken glass: 38% chance

A DVD copy of "Untamed Heart" starring Christian Slater: 93% chance

Hot Topic

Panic! At The Disco tank top: 100% chance

Something your dad would wear: 0% chance

Bed Bath & Beyond

"Washtunes: the washcloth that has a pocket for your smartphone:" 88% chance

Fertility idol that works: 14% chance

Ross: Dress For Less

A wedding gown for under $15: 63% chance

A communicable disease from one of their thongs: 77% chance

Meetings.

I want you to read the next sentence and take it in like it just plum knocked your mother off her horse: Everything that ever gets done probably had a meeting.

I know, we all hate meetings. We think they're a waste of time and counterproductive blah blah blah, but we need to recognize the importance of sitting down and sussing out details before creating, launching or executing something. Anything. Meetings, for better or worse, are how we get things done.

Here now are a list of things that you never realized involved a meeting:

• The color of a Thighmaster's handles (red)

• How to effectively carve George Washington's nostrils for Mount Rushmore without killing anyone

• The Brazzers logo

• What type of rope to hang Saddam Hussein with

• Who Katy Perry should date next

• What sort of sounds a Shmoo would make

• How much bush Playboy magazine should show monthly

• The brilliant title of the sequel to "Lavalantula."

• Whether there should be yet another verse to "Hotel California" or whether Don and Joe should just play till it fades out

• Whether the Scrubbing Bubbles should have penises or not (they don't)

• The color of E.T.'s eyes (blue)

• The unfortunate release date of Damien Marley's album "Halfway Tree" (Sept. 11, 2001)

• The naming of American Cheese

• Deciding how many words Kim Carnes gets to sing in USA For Africa's "We Are The World" (two)

• Whether or not to make a black reboot of "Uncle Buck" as a TV show (yes)