How Not To Be A Racist, As Illustrated By A Foldable Tent Instruction Page

You know it. I know it. But everyone else doesn't have to know that you're a terrible racist. Here's a handy guide to how to not act like a racist in social situations.

1) Take a quick look at your racism. Ugly, isn't it? Why do you even hate people from Guam and Puerto Ricans? They're Americans, too, you know.

2) Take both hands and SQUEEZE that racism down to a more manageable size. You'll immediately notice that there's a lot of resistance to getting smaller, but keep at it.

3) Find the part of your racism that secures the rest of it. Now use your free hands to hide your open hatred of immigrants, even though your grandparents were immigrants themselves!

4) You're about to interact with other people in a moment. Keep that irrational hostility towards Native Americans and Hispanics in check. Now stand up.

5) There you go! Keep smiling during your interactions with people, and whatever you do, make sure your free arm doesn't swing up in a Sieg Heil salute, you piece of shit!

Unnecessary Backstories for Mott's Applesauce Pouch Mascots Redd and Seedney

Few things are more riveting than reading the package graphics on your kids' snack food. It was during this activity that I came upon Redd and Seedney on a package of Mott's Applesauce Pouches. Apparently Redd and Seedney are ambassadors for Mott's other delicious pouch offerings, each representing a different SKU. Here now, because we're bored, are some fabricated backstories for each of these delightful new characters:

Redd

Full name: Redd Strawberryman. Born in the 1950s during the Second Communist Scare, he was ironically named by his beatnik parents when he was conceived in a strawberry patch in their commune (an alternate name was McCarthy). To the horror of his parents, Redd devoted his life to ultra-conservative ideals, attending anti-immigrant rallies and boycotting all of Jane Fonda's movies. He is now a fundamentalist preacher and currently resides in Bouckville, NY with his lover Daniel and their adopted children.

Seedney

Born Seedney Opeerahouse in Plano, Texas. Seedney is the accidental offspring of a wild orgy between a raspberry, two blueberries, a strawberry, and Andy Dick. Mott loves to feature Seedney's mixed ethnicity as proof of their dedication to diversity. Seedney loves flea markets, Fortnite, highway medians, and British band The Fixx's 1983 album "Reach The Beach". Seedney is a staunch Flat Earther.

He's Crafty, He Eats a Dick

Joel's gone craft crazy!

After making a candleholder from popsicle sticks, yarn and glitter at a recent workshop for 'tards, Joel has fully embraced the world of craftmaking. He recently told his manager that crafts is a close second to eating dick as his favorite pastime.

Spending thousands at the nearby Joann Fabrics store, Joel has full-heartedly thrust himself into cross stitching, patchwork, scrapbooking, crochet, knitting, haberdashery, beadwork, quilting, swallowing cock, shell decorating, card making, paper making, bookbinding, jewelry making, wood sculpture, ironwork, papier maché, candle making, pottery, soap making, polymer claywork, bouquet arrangement, miniature work, sweater embroidery, and napkin folding.

But he has utterly refused to try his hand at wreathmaking. He said that's for pussies.

(pictured above, the greatest photo of all time)