Spooky Souvenirs

Spotted in New York souvenir shops:

Some postcards with repurposed old photos of the New York skyline with the World Trade Center towers ghosted. That's tasteful.

EADJ Song Hate, Third Edition

Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.


And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.

But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.

Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.



And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?


So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Genius At Work

Recently, EADJ has gotten hold of some rare, behind-the-scenes footage of a major restaurant chain's creative process. The following is a transcript from a recording of TGI Friday's interior decorator Sallie Hayes at work:

"Alright. Are we all here? We've already taken care of the main foyer, greeting area, and Express Take Out area. Now we've got this wonderful 20' x 45' main dining room to take care of... (rustling)... where's my chalk? Okay, thanks Meg.

"This main wall is probably what we should tackle first. It's how high, Olivier? 12 feet? Wonderful. I think we can definitely fit a horse-drawn Gundlach grain drill up there...No, without the horses, you silly goose. Yeah, the Gundlach grain drill, not the John Deere 1560 No-Till Grain Drill. The John Deere's yellow lids will clash with what I'm going flank it with on either side, Meg. And what I'm going to flank it with are matching Victorian gypsy corsets, both periwinkle and with the raised floral detail. Over by the left corset, we'll hang a framed photo of Henry Kissinger, but there's that small fire sprinkler over the right one, so we'll just hang the otter mask.

"Oh, we're out of otter masks? Shoot. Guess we'll have to put the Brooks & Dunn tambourine there instead.

"Now, this northeast wall is at a sharp enough angle where we can install the lumberjack mannequin without disrupting the flow of the Christina Aguilera painting and the Biohazard sign. And, Meg, make sure the cat o' nine tails won't hang too low over the washboard– I don't want another Hoboken incident again, okay?

"What the goober is this? A poster of a mountain landscape? How in the name of Sam Hill did this wind up amongst all our stuff in this wheelbarrow? Gee whillikers, what am I supposed to do with this? Meg, trash this unsightly poster, please. And help me bracket mount this wheelbarrow when you get back; I pulled my back last week in Lexington trying to lift that ceramic life-sized cow."

Ahem.

Submitted by Bill Dow, from the Ryan Adams show at the Fillmore:

In Need of Clarification

The Hunid Racks flyers post the other day left us at EADJ scratching our heads and nuts about wtf the group of terms meant on the energy drink flyer:


Are they serving suggestions for what to eat with the drinks? Are they personalized license plates? Well, thank heaven for the Internet. We found Hunid Racks' web page, where they clarified for us.


Verbatim, from their website:

Where did the name "Racks" come from?
The term Rack comes from black folks in the hood. "How much are you selling your car for? 5 Racks ($5000.00). "How much did your chain cost? 2 racks ($2000.00). A Rack for this, a Rack for that. It's a term people in the streets are very familiar with. It's an old saying, if you can make 100 Racks coming out the hood you have made it big time.

Why use the name 100 Racks?
No matter what level you hustle on, whether it be School, Business, Rap, or Real Estate you can achieve the ultimate goal "100 Racks".

So that list of terms (CHEESE, GUAC, HUNID THOW-WOW, LOAFS, and STACKS) are just synonyms for $100,000. I guess.

So now you can stop wondering, Vince Soliven!

Well, That's Disturbing.

(pictured above, some pita bread left in a trash can in the Toucan Cleric's Fun bathroom. The mind reels and the stomach churns.)

Thanks, CVS for the Random Dude & Chick.

Early Sunday afternoon, this EADJ reporter developed some photos at the self service kiosk at CVS. Along with the regular photos of sheep intestines and retirement home snuff pics, this photo of a beaming, clean-scrubbed couple came out of the print slot. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?! The digital camera was double checked after theorizing that someone might have borrowed the camera at a bar outing. Nope. The mystery photo even showed up on the Kodak proof sheet at the end of the roll. So somehow this digital orphan was hiding in the kiosk's memory and decided to stow away on my dime.


The plot thickened after the photos were burned to a blank CD, and the photo showed up in the directory with its own title: "WebsitePic.jpg." What website was destined to host this happy duo besides Eat a Dick Joel: The Blog? How can we divine where this website is based on the geography of the CVS and the demographics of the photo's subjects?

First, what we can gather from the photo itself? Well, both people in the photo are pretty good looking. The chick is unquestionably bangable. Her brunette/auburn hair and bluish eyes betray a possibly Irish or Italian background. Her simple-floral-print-shirt-over-tank-top is frustratingly generic, although her Rachel-like hairdo suggests she probably comes from money. The dude is, I can admit it, pretty handsome. He looks in his late 20's to early 30's, although it seems he might be graying on the sides (unless that's just the flash). With an athletic build (with a tragically BLANK generic sweatshirt) and sitting upright with vigor, he seems like a pretty good match for our clingy redhead– a strong shoulder for her to cry on during emotional scenes of "Grey's Anatomy." Unless they're brother and sister, then, eww.


And where are these two? A blank red wall gives us nothing to go by, unless the new Lava looks just like that. The wooden furniture suggests a pub rather than a cheesedick club with striped shirts and the like. The stout-like consistency of the drink in the corner leads us to believe it's a bar that serves micro-brews. The odd shape of the glass confirms this. If anyone has any information that can lead to the identification of this lovely couple, Eat a Dick Joel has offered to buy you a Caffeine Free Diet Coke.

Oh, and Joel eats dick.

Take a vitamin. Toss that meat.

(pictured above, GNC announces a new "Joel Only" aisle.