The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is almost here, and people are wondering what new consumer gadgets and technology to expect this year. Here is an exclusive sneak peek at what you can look forward to at CES 2019:

• Lyft apps will now charge double if you're not hot

• Shorts with haptic feedback so you can really feel a kick in the nuts in movies

• Play-Doh will announce their revolutionary new pleasant smelling, sculptable smartphone

• Fortnite dance competition. Because what the hell.

• EA will announce their new EA movie studio, where you'll have to pay an extra dollar or two to find out how a movie ends.

• Sharon will be there.

• Gallagher will come up and tell a bunch of bad jokes and smash some servers with his hammer

• An abandoned Sony Aibo robot dog from 2003 will walk around and whimper for someone to love it

• Seemingly smart guys will gesticulate and say the word "synergy" and "gamechanging".

• All of the plugs will be taken.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Address The Rumors Of Roblox Shutting Down

"Good question. A rumor earlier this yea... GAH.. year claimed that the immensely popula... *oof* popular online game Roblox... huff...  would be getting shutdown on March 22 2020... ow ow ow ow.. but this hasn't ...ACK...been confirmed by... choke... the creators themselves. *tries to breathe* The 100 million monthly Roblox players... argh... stop... stop... will be happy to hear... ouch, my throat... that the shutting down claims are fake... *coughs* and all reportedly emerged... ouch... no... no... agh... from prank website React2424. ACK! *dies*

"I See Heaven's Glories Shine and Pathmark Shines Equal." -Emily Bronte

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Guy Fieri Says Fuck It and Eats Healthy

• Startling Ferrets and Punching Old People

• CVS Pharmacy: After Dark

• Tony Robbins Presents Watch This And WIN You Big Winner!!!!!!!*    *Maybe

• Can't Hear A Goddamn Thing: The Fan Film Documentary

• Dick Pics from Famous Charleses

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• The 1983 Invasion of Grenada: A Two Episode Documentary

• Fluffers: Behind The Scenes of Fabric Softener Manufacturing

• Booger Glue: How Mucilage Conquered An Industry and Captured The Imagination

• Let's Throw A Ham Through a Harp

Some More Perks of the Whole AMC Stubs Thingamajiggy

Have you gotten your AMC Stubs Rewards card yet? No? Well, now's a good time, because AMC has partnered with some great sponsors to bring you even more benefits when you go the movies as a Stubs member! Here are the latest new perks:

• Free dung for your dung beetles at home

• Sly look of "yeah, he's in the In Crowd" from our knowing staff

• Racism will be over

• If you manage to sit through the latest "Fast and Furious" movie, we'll let you write the next one.

• Free game of bowling at any AMC Bowling Lanes (there are no AMC Bowling Lanes. Psych!)

• We'll let you have unprotected sex with Barry. He's a freak like that.

• Free large soda refill that makes you go pee so you miss more of the movie

• Free customizable seat armrests. Put your elbow on Elsa!

• Free Spanish conquistador helmet. Not sure how we got these but there are a lot of them.

The ProofrEADJer: End O' November Edition

"Mulitimode?"

Yet Another List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana-related entries here.

Ariana Grande has meticulously crafted her public persona as an adorable, dimpled songstress. We do admit she is pretty cute in every photo she takes, but here we respectfully offer a list of things that are undeniably cuter than she:

• Upholstered dollhouse furniture

• Speed date jitters

• Flowers made from frosting on cakes

• Animal emojis

• Pompoms on socks

• Any drawing of the tooth fairy

• Chewbacca's son Lumpy

• Jingle bell bracelets

• Alligators with galoshes on their feet

• Cartoon raccoons

Here Are More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Congrats on nailing your audition to porn stardom! But before you can take your pants off again, you're going to need a pornstar name. Something that no one has taken yet. Here are some awful ones that were lying around, so have at it, sport:

HER: 

Shen Yun

Fallopia

Excedrin Headache

Phoenix Busstop

WiFi Assward

Alicia To Own Lexus

Tess TD

Ava Cado

HIM: 

Moe Joe Rising

Stu Pendulous

Coccyx Masculinity

Pope Francis

Al Dente

Oswald Gobblecock

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 18, 2019

Howdy office 2972 Corporate Drive! It's Wally, your humble beverage vendor here to refill the soda machine and water cooler in the break room AND to deliver this week's set of job numbers for your timesheets. Do remember to complete your hours by the end of the week, or else you don't get paid (but I will, because I have a contract with the building!). Anyways, here are the digits:

35595: Bait & switch

49141: Slap & tickle

03965: Rattle & hum

39002: Analyzing the Wonder Woman trailer more than you should

57657: Hiring the shitty backup babysitter

91001: Covering your nipples with Thin Mints

71321: Farting in your ceremonial robes

88421: Explaining to millennials who Kyle Minogue was

52121: Wearing the shit out of your mouse's scroll wheel

37823: Blaming your illegal behavior on the Mentos you just ate

60152: Defending "Suicide Squad" against your better judgment

83127: Claiming unreclaimed wood is reclaimed

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is adding to their lineup this month:

• Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Illegal Video Camera Edition)

• KNOW THE DIFFERENCE: Christina Hendricks vs. Anna Kendrick

• Masterclass: Squidward Teaches the Clarinet

• The Moon Landing: Of Course It Happened. What're You, Stupid?

• Behind the Scenes of Cheaters: How We Made It Look Real

• Full Penetration News

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Home Alone 4: Too Old For This Shit

• A Show Where Characters Occasionally Say "Alexa" To Annoy Your Echo Dot

• Pillow Talk, where we literally talk to pillows

• Craft Corner: Knitting Gifts That People Will Throw Away

• Smell That Shit, Donna

• Star Trek: The Neelix Cooking Chronicles Which Is Unnecessary Because They Already Have Food Replicators

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Amerie is naked at the JC Penney Portrait Studio.

Hand puppets + marionette strings + Brady Bunch grid = Almost total confusion

Ew.

Ew. Again.

Maybe try digging the underwear out of your ass beforehand, eh?

I don't know either of these two gentlemen, but I imagine they wasted a million dollars in their effort.

WTH. Fine. As is.

Some mixtape covers are better left blank.

Is that shaving cream? Stuffing? Semen? Bubbles? Fuck it– pass.

♪ We're Far From The Pathmark Now ♪

UAG

UAG

And Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

Previous Sharper Image entries here.

Click to enlarge and read:

Here Are Your Timesheets For the Week of November 4, 2019

Hello. This is Grant Holdens, Jr. from the HR department. I have been asked by senior management to supply the rest of you employees with job numbers for your respective assignments. Please bear in mind that any questions regarding these job numbers should be directed to accounting. But any questions about whether it's appropriate to touch a co-worker's knee during a work function should be sent my way.

Here are the job numbers:

49024: Sniffing the last donut and putting it back

31380: Teaching anyone how to floss

00001 (Unbillable): Saying "thank you" to the housekeeping staff as they empty your trash

04204: Drinking the bathroom's free mouthwash for the alcohol content

76477: Saying "Can you hear me?" in conference calls

94426: Burping gyros

53589: Spoiling "Rosemary's Baby"

49213: Arguing that Cookie Crisp is actually cookies, not cereal

33543: Shitting

72101: Filming stupid unboxing videos for your YouTube channel

85596: Shaking it but not breaking it

New Perks Just Added To the AMC Stubs Rewards Program!

If you're a card carrying member of AMC's Stubs Rewards, you already know all the magic and fun to be had at your local movie theatre just by flashing your membership card or keychain fob. But here are even more benefits you can expect at your next trip to the movies:

• Popcorn that turns your poop yellow

• Free novelization of the movie you're watching to read while we repair the projector

• Slow ride

• Take it easy

• Our dockmaster will scrape the barnacles off your skiff for half off

• Emoji subtitles for the young 'uns

• $500 back for every ticket purchased (carryover from MoviePass business model)

• If you bring your own projector and the picture is actually clearer than ours, we'll allow it

• Free extra cry with any Pixar movie

• Shannon won't bother you anymore

• Free refill of Vanilla Coke. In fact, take it all. Shit's gross.

• Free admission to any Kevin Spacey, Louis C-K or Bill Cosby movie

The National Fire Protection Association Bag Graphics: Decoded

By now you and all American citizens should have received your National Fire Protection Association Bag in the mail. Many of you must be wondering what the characters on the bag graphics are thinking in this particular scene. EADJ and the NFPA have teamed up to provide this helpful guide:

1) "I'm 65 and can still work this over-the-knee knitted dress. God, I'm fuckable."

2) "I bet it would be pretty funny to pull this service dog's tail."

3) "Hey, it's Sparky the Fire Protection Dog! Let's go see, honey!"

4) "DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME, JONATHAN."

5) "Dude, I am tripping major balls. That dog has fingers."

6) "Heil Hitler!"