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KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

Figure 1.1- A Graph I Made

Click to enlarge, print, and display at your food cart

UAG

Churchwear.

Recently the Metro New York reported that Lady GaGa attended her sister's graduation at the Convent of the Sacred Heart. She reportedly wore "a see-through white pantsuit and black hat and veil" to the ceremony.

With her being Italian and Catholic, it's likely she attends all Holy Days of Obligation. Here's a brief list of upcoming Holy Days on the Roman Catholic Liturgical calendar and the outfits she'll be wearing:


• Assumption of Mary (Sunday, August 15)
Gold lamé tube top, hula skirt made of turkey bacon strips, purple snow boots

• All Saints Day (Monday, November 1)
Pair of short shorts made from Kathleen Turner's cuticles, collander helmet, bra on fire, Sansabelt belt

• First Sunday of Advent (Sunday, November 28)
Athletic supporter head-dress, solid marble hoop skirt, roller blades that scream Spanish, full beard made from pencil sharpener shavings and moss, blouse made from angry stares of other churchgoers

• Immaculate Conception (Wednesday, December 8)
Assless polar bear chaps, sunglasses made from AOL 6.0 sample discs, live Jack Russell terrier bustier, scuba mask inside deep water diving mask filled with Eckerd's-brand hand sanitizer.

Baby Float.

Baby float.

You read that right. Baby float. He float and he float now.

Look, baby float because baby want to float. Baby don't float because you ask baby to, or because you trick baby into, or because you force baby to. Baby float on baby's own terms, and that's that.

Where do baby float? Where do you think, idiot? In pool. Baby float in pool. Baby surprised you even asked where. When baby say 'baby float,' 'pool' is understood in subtext. Baby don't float in ocean or lagoon. That shit has tides.

Baby float. That's right. Baby float as long as baby want to, not because someone set a timer on baby or pool. "Clear the pool," lifeguard often say so lifeguard can do a few laps, but fuck that, baby float.

"Baby can't live in a vacuum," you say, "And no man is an island." Well, baby is no man, so baby can BE an island, because baby float. Just like island. And baby inflate float with air, so baby don't know why you talking about vacuum cleaners.

Baby float. That is fact of life that you are going to have to live with. Dog bark, bird fly, baby float.

That new Lady GaGa video is interesting.

In case you're wondering, that not Mommy in skinny yellow bikini near baby. That Meghan, baby's babysitter. Meghan's wan smile indicate that Meghan not really want to be at pool since ex-boyfriend hang out there all time. But who gives a shit, baby gotta float. And Meghan get paid good rate so Meghan should smile for real and stop bitching. Let baby float.

Baby float June 11, 2010. Baby gotta remember this moment, because baby gotta get job in 18 years. 2028? Something like that. Math hard to baby. Maybe after baby work a long, successful career and retire early, baby can go back to float full time. That would be nice. But for now, baby fucking float.

Baby float.

Let's Throw the EADJ Mail Sack in the Washing Machine Even Though It Clearly Says "Dry Clean Only!"

Submitted by Beth Stone, some seriously pandering advertising from Pepsi, spotted in Boston over the weekend: