The ProofrEADJer: End of November Edition

Smecial Dreams Entry

And this one from my Uncle Tony:

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is adding to their lineup this month:

• Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Illegal Video Camera Edition)

• KNOW THE DIFFERENCE: Christina Hendricks vs. Anna Kendrick

• Masterclass: Squidward Teaches the Clarinet

• The Moon Landing: Of Course It Happened. What're You, Stupid?

• Behind the Scenes of Cheaters: How We Made It Look Real

• Full Penetration News

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Home Alone 4: Too Old For This Shit

• A Show Where Characters Occasionally Say "Alexa" To Annoy Your Echo Dot

• Pillow Talk, where we literally talk to pillows

• Craft Corner: Knitting Gifts That People Will Throw Away

• Smell That Shit, Donna

• Star Trek: The Neelix Cooking Chronicles Which Is Unnecessary Because They Already Have Food Replicators

Fiverr Screamer DELIVERS!

Still reeling from the disappointment of Fiverr user Foswaldo's rejection of my request to write an EADJ blog post, I used my credits to order a death metal logo and I even hired this gentleman to scream the lyrics "EAT A DICK JOEL" for 5 bucks. And guess what? He delivered this morning!

Here is him screaming "EAT A DICK JOEL". At least I think it is.

And here is the song I had him scream over. His vocals being at 2:02



And just for yuks, I got him to scream "THANKS FOR NOTHING, FOSWALDO" over a music track of my choice:



HOLY SHIT I LOVE FIVERR NOW 😀😀😀😀

And Fiverr user ethansmith_ is a great guy. Thank you!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Clit and Taint: Do It Again

• Windbattles

• Scarcely a Zebra, Don

• Shadowboxing With Actual People

• Doxxing The Elderly

• My Hand

• These Flanges Fucking Suck

• Ian Watson Will Threaten You In The Queen's English

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Marvel's Watcher

• Zack and Cody Build a Meth Lab

• The Emboldened Idiots

• Project Runway: Heterosexual White Guy Edition

• You Are Not Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

• Jim Henson's Muppet Erotica

• I Am Not Kevin Hart With A Hat starring D.L. Hughley

Smoothie Carton Was Happy.

Smoothie Carton was happy.

Stormtrooper Sneaker was happy for him.

Building Coupling was puzzled.

Beer Cooler wept bitter tears.

ATM was feeling randy.

Truck Refrigerator was less than thrilled.

Doohickeys On A Truck Bed were silently appalled.

Oven Shelving enjoyed some cookies.

Park Bench Claptrap sat in the wet.

Ethernet Wall Plug frowned on it all.

Trick Or Pathmark!

UAG

Spotted At A New Jersey Home Depot

Some dude says fuck it and waits for his girlfriend where he usually likes to sit at home.

UAG

So true.

Douglas "Doug" Fetterbrandt On How To Remove Enormous Objects From Your Pussy

Ladies, it happens more often than you'd like to admit- you wake up after a crazy weekend, and you discover that somehow you've managed to get an utterly enormous object (like an umbrella stand or a tackle box) stuck in your vagina. Doug Fetterbrandt here, and I'm going to give you some commonsense tips on how to remove said huge items from that vagina of yours, toot sweet. Follow these helpful steps:

1) If the object in your pussy happens to have a handle (e.g. a moonshine bottle from a jugband or a tennis ball retriever) simply pull on the handle slowly.

2) It's probably more likely that the object wedged in your pussy doesn't have a handle. Well, in these cases, check to see if you can "palm" any of the surface (e.g. a watermelon or a punch bowl) to extract it.

3) Try to resist the temptation to use a foreign object to pry any gigantic objects from your pussy. The use of a fulcrum only risks you getting yet another object stuck up in there.

4) Sometimes you can press your abdomen with your hands to push a sizable object out of your pussy. Any object with edges (e.g. a car battery or a scale model of the city of Minas Tirith from Lord of The Rings) can be guided with your hands to the exit.

5) Just because an object was easy to get stuck in your pussy doesn't mean it will be easy to get out. Try visualizing any sharp edges or angled parts (e.g. a jai alai basket or a candelabra from Pier One Imports) so that they don't get stuck on your labia, or "pussy lips."

6) Try to relax. Often women with ginormous items stuck up their woo-woo make their situation worse by stressing out about explaining themselves to the bowling alley or the Jiffy Lube. Don't stress and everything will work out.

7) If you have to take a crap with a big honking thing in your pussy, go right ahead. The female anatomy was made to adapt so that you could still go number two with a leather armrest from a Barcolounger or a ukelele stuck in yergina.

I hope these tips have been helpful to some of you ladies who have gotten some mongo huge thing stuck up your pussies. I wish you luck in their removal and am always at your service when it comes to sensitive subjects like this.

Cock, The Finale

So here's what happened with that mysterious roll of film that the previous owner of my New Jersey house had left. It took me a while to find a place that actually develops this obscure type of film, but I should have known all along that B&H Photo was the premier place in New York for all my photo, video, pro audio and digital imaging needs. No, they didn't pay me to say that.


As I was in the cab, I was blissfully imagining all the strange/wonderful/terrifying things that could be on that film:

• A photo that solves the identity of a never-caught murderer

• A secret map that shows where ancient Spanish treasure is buried in Central Park

• Tits

• Proof of life on Mars (hey, it could happen)

• Compromising photos of a prominent New Jersey politician who would pay handsomely for them

• Photos of a topless celebrity murdering a politician with Spanish doubloons on her tits

• Attractive landscape of the New York skyline that I could blow up for cheap instead of buying a poster.

• Serial numbers to a bunch of software, namely the Adoboe Creative Suite 3 and the latest version of Microsoft Office.

• Detailed schematics for building a time machine out of a Toyota Prius


So I got to the place, and a very helpful clerk at the developing counter lay the bad news on me: THE FILM WAS NEVER EXPOSED.

"You see the bottom of this roll?" he explained,"1 means the film was never exposed. 2 means it was partially exposed. 3 means the film was exposed but never developed. And 4 means it's been both exposed and developed."


Well, FUCK me. I had planned to leave another fake name ("Andrew Vince") and everything, but now all this effort- and cab fare- had been spent for shit. No secret recipes. No creepy shots of some girl being stalked. No scat porn. Nuthin'.

So rather than write a summary paragraph winding up this quest, I'll just leave it open and unsatisfying for you, just like I feel right now.

Mission Sorta Accomplished: Project Fountain 5.2

The David Cook Problem, Live

The following is an emailed write-up from my Mom about the "American Idol" concert that she and my Dad attended on August 14. It is a quite lengthy read, so you might want to grab a cup of cocoa. Or not read.


On August 14, 2008, Cesar and I took the train to downtown DC anticipating a huge traffic jam. I promptly lost Cesar at the crowded station but I knew we would meet up at the Verizon Center eventually. I still had to collect my tickets from WILL CALL. .The line was already half a block long. I suddenly felt out of place because it looked like a queue for a Disneyworld ride. A man on his way to Chinatown with his family stopped to see what the commotion was all about. He did not want his little daughter to miss out on this event . The ticket master told him it was the concert for the 10 American Idol finalists .Unimpressed, the man continued his walk to Chinatown . It was 5:45 PM.
The tickets were ready20but Cesar was nowhere to be seen. He must have been swallowed by children dressed in autographed T shirts. They outnumbered the adults . Many of them were carrying placards expressing their love for David Archuleta.The teens and their parents crowded the booth for memorabilia - T shirts, magazines, programs , light sticks, key chains. The shirt with David Cook's likeness was going for $50 and so was David Archuleta's.
The queue started to enter the arena when Cesar finally showed up . He was angry, he said his train ticket had a crease that was rejected by the machine so he had to purchase a new one. He had missed Michael Phelps' swim for his 6th gold medal for this? Still , it was a miracle that he found me among the sea of Lilliputians.

To add to his anger, our seats were disappointingly far from the stage way across the whole length of the court .Good thing we brought individual binoculars.I had also packed a folding footstool in case the audience blocked my view.
No such problem here. I knew I could see over the teens even if they stood up , raised their placards or waved their light sticks. .
There was plenty of time for a quick snack At the concession stand , it was a shocker to see hot dog for $4 and beer for $7. Turkey sandwich cost more . I figured Cesar deserved a stiff drink ,after all that catastrophe with his ticket but I was not buying a $9 turkey sandwich. I chose 2 hot dogs and 2 cups of wine.
It proved to be the right combo because after finishing the snacks ,he forgot all about the train incident and concentrated on how expensive the wine was. I had time before the show so I ran out for the ladies' room where I was greeted by a dozen gleaming urinals lined up against the wall . A woman customer reassured me there were six stalls inside. Obviously , the management had anticipated that girl teenagers and their mothers would outnumber men that night and reserved that men's room for women too.
The arena was filled up by 7 PM and the concert started on time.
The top ten American idols performed 3 songs each ,starting with finalist number 10 Chekezie. Impressive voice. I could hear every syllable because of his strong vocals and great enunciation. .
Next came Filipina Ramielle Malubay, dressed in a glittering pantsuit and black boots giving her a slim long figure when she was really only 4 ft 10. Her voice was weaker than Chekezie’s but it improved when she belted out her third song .
Next came Michael Johns whose early elimination had shocked many fans . Simon Cowell had criticized Michael's lack of originality and Randy Jackson just did not like his choice of songs. Michael entered the stage through a hole on the floor . He sang "we will, we will rock you” with ear splitting accompaniment from the band. Many of the women in the audience sang along . This time I was glad we were seated many rows away from the amplifiers. The girls in front were standing up . I could read the captions on their T shirts. One said Team Cook , the second said Team Castro. The third girl also had Team Cook and their mother had Team Castro on her shirt. But it was not time for their idols yet.


Blonde Kristy Lee , dressed in all white jeans and blouse sang for her third song Lee Greenwood's patriotic God Bless America . The stage was ablaze with the American flag to emphasize patriotism . When she finished , Kristy rewarded the audience with two T shirts she threw to the court. She was soon followed by Irish Singer Carly Smithson who looked slimmer than she did on TV. She wore black tights and a halter blouse which revealed her arm tattoos. She sang in the voice Randy Jackson used to call "pitchy" . The crowd , a few already drunk on wine and wishing for relief, gave her a standing ovation before they rushed to the comfort rooms. Intermission found the crowd milling around the souvenirs and the nachos. I got Cesar an order of Pizza. The girls in front of us were not sleepy at all. There was too much excitement and it was fun waving the souvenir lighted sticks back and forth.
Cesar looked even angrier when he came back from intermission . He had to find a men’s room located half a block away. The second act started with dreadlocked Jason Castro singing " Somewhere Over the Rainbow "accompanying himself with a ukelele. The teens screamed in much higher decibels than the first half of the show.The girls with the Tshirts had their videocellphones capturing every movement Jason made. The kids loved him . They continued screaming through his third song "What a day for a Daydream" . Cesar sat dreaming of the Olympics that he was missing. His binoculars were not helping either because one lens was turning sideways . I was thinking astigmatism of the largavista but aloud I lent him my smaller pair of field glasses.
From the right side of the stage came Syeshia , dressed in all white miniskirt with a halter top=2 0and bare back. She swang her hips and danced in her ankle high silver boots. Just like her performances on TV- she flirted with the musicians, danced a few steps with them then belted her ballads in soaring notes , like listening to Patty Labelle . Syeshia caressed the microphone pole as she sang rhythm and blues. She got a well deserved standing ovation.
The Disneyland- age crowd began to shriek because David Archuleta was next. This 17 year old boy was the darling of the peanut gallery . He sang songs appropriate for broken hearted guys but in public he had admitted not yet having dates , he said he had been too busy singing and studying. His first song was "apologize". The girls knew every lyric and many sang along . The cellphone cameras were busy . This teenage sensation was dressed in a drab brown suit fit for an accountant and his songs were filled with angst. When he sang "Stand By Me" , he pointed to the moon then swept the crowd with his arm ." for as long as you Stand By Me" Sinc erely , he sounded very emotional . In the last stanza of the song, the tempo rose to a more rapid pattern and Archuleta surprised many when he danced .
His last song was again a love ballad to the audience " When you say you love me" . His banter was tinged with shyness as he thanked the people for coming out to support the American Idols. Then he introduced the next singer whom he called a truly amazing man .
He was referring to the 2008 American Idol David Cook who was preceded by sparks of giant smoky lights, flashing mirrors and artificial pyrotechnics with his name in capital letters ,followed by his now famous portrait. I dropped my notes, my pen, my purse to join the screaming crowd who was standing , all arms outstretched. Cesar was appalled by my behavior but behind me grown women who did not need footstools were screaming even louder . The women who were quiet during the first half and who were supposed to be chaperoning the screaming=2 0lilliputians were now behaving as badly at the sound of David Cook's song , "Hello" . He sang under the glare of the spotlight but he waved at the crowd as if he could see each fan. I had earlier made sure to dress in jeans and shirt, to blend in with the crowd and the rock and roll singers but David Cook appeared in a black executive suit as if applying for an undertaker's job. Hello, he sang , waving to his fans and knowing he had to explain his unusual outfit .He joked that he was dressed that way because he was running for president . SCREAM. Then he admitted he was going to Congress to raise awareness for Cancer Advocacy. He thanked the audience who voted him winner by a landslide ( of 12 million vote difference), because now he has a voice to speak for Cancer victims. SCREAM..The only concession to rock and roll was his necktie which was carelessly tied around his collar. He sang his second song with a guitar, all the while walking east and west to include the fans standing there. Behind me the women sang along with Cook . Someone threw a teddy bear center stage . On his way back from stage west, Cook , playing the guitar , bent down to pick up the teddy and parked it between his teeth so he could continue the guitar playing. LOUD SCREAM.
His third song “ There goes my Hero” was quite emotional because he had sung that in honor of his cancer stricken brother who was able to get out of the hospital and attend David’s Idol contest. For an encore, David sang his now famous version of Billie Jean. No one left the arena yet until the 10 idols reappeared for the finale. They sang and marched to “Please don’t stop the Music” which in itself was not remarkable except for one thing. For the past 7 weeks, Michael Johns and David Cook have cooked up a different dance each night . The fans have chronicled these brief dances with their cellphonecorders and have broadcast them in YOUTUBE. It must have started as a joke between these 2 Idol roommates . For about 12 seconds Michael and David would dance a different move in any given city - the robot dance, the ballet move, the watusi, or the Travolta moves, etc. This night the two jokesters mimed a matador and a bull . David was the bull charging towards Michael’s towel. It only lasted 10 seconds but for sure this would be played over and over again by their ever growing fleet of fans. It beats flying to Beijing to watch Michael Phelps win another gold. Ho Hum.