We at Red Lobster pride ourselves on our commitment to keep a good thing going, and Lobsterfest® is certainly one of those really good things. We tell ourselves every morning how lucky we are to not only be alive in these exciting times, but also are thrilled at every new way that we have to serve lobster bits to you hungering masses. Here now (with some help from Andrew Gall) are the latest menu offerings for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:
• Special lobster bibs made from the finest silk will be draped from your neck. A man with a clear shot at you from across the room will fling a lobster at your mouth at a speed of about 120 mph. If everything goes well, you will enjoy some delicious lobster at a super-fast speed, all without soiling our very expensive lobster bibs, which we've obviously poured a lot of money into. That there is some neat way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Using your smartphone, you can order our Wood-Grilled Lobster with BBQ Glaze by texting
WGSHRWBBQG to 044020, Crunchy Potato-Crusted Lobster by texting
SRCHPTTCRSTLBST to 044021, or Garlic Lobster Scampi by texting
GRLCLBSTERSCMPI to 044022. And don't forget the Coconut Lobster Bites! Just text
FUCKYOURMOTHERIWANTSOMECOCONUTLOBSTERBITES to 044023! Standard text messaging rates apply. Some serious high-tech way here to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• A bounty hunter named Huzz is hired by our corporate office to find you. Once he does, he will tranquilize you and drag your sorry ass to our restaurant. Our manager will waken you with a slap across your stupid face, demanding to know why you haven't come to our restaurant yet after seeing all the advertisements we ran on the television programs that you watch. You will notice that Huzz is rubbing his erection under his pants. See? That seems to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Lobsterfest becomes a Facebook war game that no one plays, probably due to poor reach from the assorted Facebook ads featuring a lobster wearing a beanie. Internal arguments abound, and the whole Lobsterfest marketing and PR teams get canned. Once the dust settles, that account executive that never did anything but order cupcakes for meetings gets to come up with an entirely new PR strategy on his own. And that, it can be assumed, is another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We promote Lobsterfest as a new national holiday. Drum circles form. People tell people. A MOVEMENT is created! People embrace the day of celebration with copious amounts of food and drink, and everyone gets along, swinging and swaying merrily with our patented “On Lobster, oh lobster™” refrain. The next day, everyone wakes up and wonders what the fuck they were thinking last night. And that might just be another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, depending on your time zone.
