The National Fire Protection Association Bag Graphics: Decoded

By now you and all American citizens should have received your National Fire Protection Association Bag in the mail. Many of you must be wondering what the characters on the bag graphics are thinking in this particular scene. EADJ and the NFPA have teamed up to provide this helpful guide:

1) "I'm 65 and can still work this over-the-knee knitted dress. God, I'm fuckable."

2) "I bet it would be pretty funny to pull this service dog's tail."

3) "Hey, it's Sparky the Fire Protection Dog! Let's go see, honey!"

4) "DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME, JONATHAN."

5) "Dude, I am tripping major balls. That dog has fingers."

6) "Heil Hitler!"

The ProofrEADJer: Almost Thanksgiving Edition

And one from my cousin Melissa:

Introducing The Two Schools Of Misplaced Pathmark Merch: "On Top" and "Amongst"

Continuing our piece on how "Pathmark" segments fall into either "On Top" or "Amongst" categories. Today we will devote the entire entry to "Amongst" items:

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Route 30," starring Dana Delany

There are a lot of wacky subplots going on here involving eccentric locals. It might as well be "Northern Exposure: The Movie." I have lots of respect for Dana Delany as an actor, so this will only be more painful for me to watch her trudge through this "endearing" comedy. Who knows. Maybe this movie is actually great.

On the back, the production company Echo Bridge Home Entertainment has the slogan "The Entertainment Alternative For What The World Wants To See." Is this movie an alternative TO what the world wants to see? Or if the world DOES want to see it, why would there need to be an entertainment alternative? Is there no cursing in this movie? And why is a Bigfoot involved at all?

These and many other questions will be addressed in the next EADJ Crappinema. Now in IMAX 3-D Dolby Digital.

UAG

Hey, Bagster

Yeah, I'm talking to you, asshole.

I see you doing your construction project or whatever, but instead of a solid, REAL dumpster, you decided to try out a Bagster, which apparently is a giant tote bag that you can have the garbage man skip by and carry away like a basket of eggs.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bags are for groceries. Bags are for holding baguettes from the bakery. Bags are for carrying bedazzled Twilight t-shirts from Hot Topic. BAGS ARE NOT FOR CONSTRUCTION.

Oh, but you say the Bagster is made from a strong polyurethane weave to withstand up to a ton of building refuse? But what about sharp objects, dipshit? You don't think a steel dowel isn't going to puncture the hell out of the side of your Bagster, leaving all your trash to leak out into the street?

Fucking asshole. You're making the neighborhood look like an Easter Egg hunt with that bullshit in your front yard. You're killing me.

Bagster. Get that dainty shit out of my sight. Dig a goddamned hole in your yard and throw garbage in there like a real man.