Showing posts with label stretch goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stretch goals. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 2

 Previous "Where Are They Now?" entry here.


Former 80s swimsuit model Ginger Cuts left the world of fashion to get married and start her own Etsy velcro patch empire. She is currently the reigning queen of unlicensed Ghostbusters PVC patches. 


Vigoro Mulch walked away from a rising career in Hollywood as a leading man and action star to start a pony farm in West Virginia. He currently lives in a cabin with no toilet but with four above-ground pools.


Whatever happened to Chakra Reiki? Her bestselling children's spiritual books are still sold worldwide, but Chakra doesn't collect any royalties. She now runs one of those bars where you throw axes at a wall, and apparently business is doing pretty well. 


Taveta Golden Weaver was widely known as the crown princess of YouTube life hacks, but she got bored after 1 year and is now a Formula 1 racer, having almost placed in the Spanish Grand Prix and is getting ready for the Emilia Romagna GP. We wish her luck!


Herb Stripper was a moderately successful prop comic in the 90s and is credited for creating the "balloons-for-balls" gag that every comic uses nowadays. These days, Herb has taught himself how to pour fancy resin end tables for rich clients. He still performs when he's drunk.


Parabolic Troffer peaked in the NFL with the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2003, having a reputation as a tight end capable of being a dynamic receiver—especially down the field when playing with a franchise quarterback—but that quality came with an inability to handle the blocking demands of the position and with a reputation for dropping passes. Troffer now sings soprano in his church choir and sells his autograph on eBay.


Potty Peg used to be the bitch who picked on you in middle school. Now she's Vice President of a venture capital consortium that just bought out the company you work for—and you're fired. POTTY PEG!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Your Timesheets For This Week


TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE
FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WASSUP BITCHES
TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting