The following was cut and pasted from Joel's Facebook profile page:1. I have eaten dick from all seven continents (penguin dick for Antarctic).
2. Whenever I cook, I often throw a pinch of dick in any of my dishes.
3. Two time Daytime Emmy winner Tom Pelphrey.
4. I am morally opposed to porkpie hats.
5. A bouncer once yelled in his headset, "Let in the dick eater."
6. I have never eaten two dicks at once. Dilutes the experience.
7. My screensaver is a basket of kittens morphing into Glenn Danzig.
8. How do I manage to eat dick at work? I don't have a job, silly!
9. I am also known for my voiceover work. You might recognize my voice in L.A. radio promos for XTreme Truckfest 2009 and Megawrestling Vendetta VII on Pay-Per-View. I'm so lonely.
10. I have trademarked the phrase "Let me cup your balls whilst I eat thy dick, Sailor.™"
11. Extreme poverty once forced me into eating the dick of railroad hobos. But you know, it wasn't that bad once you got past the smell of coal.
12. You know those little mallets that people use to crack open crab shells in seafood places? I use those on my balls.
13. A friend once talked me into being the "back half" of an elephant costume so we could sneak into a government facility.
14. Radio Shack helped put special settings on my GPS for finding the nearest dick.
15. Unfortunately, the only options on the Chipotle menu are chicken, steak, carnitas and barbacoa.
16. Some dude once put Vicks VapoRub on his dick before I ate it. Refreshing!
17. I convinced my chimp servant Chad Yarborough to wear red satin shorts during dinner parties so that his chapped scrotum doesn't distract.
18. I can play Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 without flaw. Except I have to eat a dick while playing. I had to repurpose one of those hands-free harmonica holders.
19. For every dick of men named Dick that I eat, Golden Corral donates $5 to the March of Dimes Foundation.
20. Dick Hootenanny. Now there's an idea.
21. People have sometimes asked me if I also eat balls. No, that would be gross.
22. Nutritionists have never confirmed whether dick is good roughage or not. They never call me back!
23. Never try to eat dick while listening to The Eagles' song "Desperado." It is difficult.
24. Mama didn't raise no fool. But she did raise a helluva dick eater, whut.
25. One time I ate a dick at the Smithsonian. Turns out Dustin Diamond is kind of an asshole.
"I've been dreaming like crazy this week, but having trouble remembering them. I remember on Wednesday I dreamt I was lying in bed and kept looking at my clock and no matter when I looked it said 5AM. I'd close my eyes and go back to sleep, only to wake up and see it was still 5AM. I knew it was over when my alarm actually went off and I woke up for real and it said 6AM."
"Nothing I can share that's rated for the www."
"I had a dream last night that my friend Kegan and I traveled to Kansas City for some odd reason. We went and saw a movie, got out and saw that the Mariners/Royals game was still going on--it was in extra innings. So we went to the game and got to sit in the middle of left field--actually on the field--to watch the rest. I believe the game went eighteen innings. Then we went to bed and had to fly out the next day. Kegan missed his alarm and didn't move the car, somehow costing us $500 dollars in parking tickets. I woke without making it to the airport in time."
"I had a dream that I fell in love with the woman with 14 babies."
