New Segment: EADJ Song Hate

Every once in a while, EADJ will "retire" a song in radio circulation (or just in existence) that we've had quite enough of, thank you. Today we hate the song "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp.


Hey, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp, you're a shit song, okay? You're positively terrible.

For one, you have this overlong, masturbatory overture with both organ and electric guitar intros that sound like background music for a Stetson cologne commercial from the 80's. Pretty much a musical mullet. And that motherfucker runs for a whopping 2 minutes and 9 seconds before it stops, THEN starts again! Only at the 2:30 mark do we ever start hearing lyrics. And that's when you really start sucking:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!

Bitch, please. That's the payoff after repeating the first line three times? You totally made that "oh- hey uh, what, uh, hit the highway!" bit on the spot! That is TERRIBLE, dude. And it doesn't get much better when it's not the annoying chorus:

Well, I've been walking the streets in the evenin'
Racin' through the human jungle at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey - I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light?

Electricity runs thru the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all them stonies are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world callin' me up free tonight on the phone

No words. That is some pretty bad writing- "racin' through the human jungle" and rhyming "night" with "light" and "home" with "phone." And I guess since John Cougar Mellencamp wears jeans all the time, all his verbs can't have a "g" at the end, so he's "walkin'" or "sittin'" or "totally suckin' a donkey dick with his god-awful lyric writin'."

The truth is, he sings "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy" only about a dozen times, but the song is so poorly conceived with such an annoying chorus that it seems like he repeats it in the hundreds.

So today we retire you from classic rock stations, Camaro tape decks blaring in high school parking lots and whiskey roadhouse jukeboxes, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp. Have fun on the golf course! Don't let the door hit you on the ass as you uh-hmm-hey, who-uhh hey, hit the highway.


To purchase "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp from iTunes– though I have no idea why you would ever want to do that– click here.

***Update: I just noticed on iTunes that John Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Oh, fuck off.