Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

Click to enlarge

Happy Valentines Day, Evelybody

We at Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you, you friends, your loved ones, and even people you just casually know a happy, healthy, safe, drug-free, wonderful, productive Valentines Day.



We would also like to tell Nehow that Dan like him and urge Dan to ask her to be Valentine.

***Editor's Note: At first I thought that was a self-reminder note, but reading it twice, the verb tenses make it sound like a third-party schemer is pulling the strings in this relationship. What are your theories?

Some Lo-Jinx At Work

A group of us at Toucan Cleric's Fun try to lift big Dan using that old slumber party trick "Light As a Feather, Stiff As a Board." The major difference between doing it when we were six and doing it now was that we were way lighter then.


Stay tuned in the coming weeks for our sad attempt #2!