Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of November 27

What, this again? This fake bullshit entry where we pretend that these are actual hashtags that people have refused to use on Twitter, so then we're offering them for the reading public to use in their own insipid tweets? Yep.

#ottertits

#stripperdick

#skoalcasserole

#harmonicalewinski

#makingabongoutofajoint

#wherethefuckisthataltarboy

#willyoubemineKateGosselin

#hewongetoveritiamagoodperson

#dumpingcomcastfortimewarner

#shittingfrommydeerstandandlovingit

An IM Convo

An Update From Jersey

In a previous entry, we reported one of our neighbors in Jersey who had a bizarre way of decorating their lawn:


Whether for "aesthetic" reasons or because they were just too lazy to mow their own lawn, we're not certain.


But we did notice very recently that the neighbor did put in some extra effort to "enhance" their lawn rocks:



Yeah. Much better.

A Very Belated Guest Entry From Beth

Months ago, Beth had expressed her displeasure at the new Tropicana Orange Juice packaging that PepsiCo had asked the Peter Arnell Group to design. Like a lot of consumers, she couldn't understand why something that wasn't broke needed fixing. And after much encouragement from EADJ, Beth started to write a tirade against the redesign as a blog entry. But then she flaked and whatever. Wait, no, actually I think EADJ didn't deem the piece funny enough. Either way.

But now, Beth's going to Northwestern in the fall to get an MBA or GED or some crap, and she was cleaning out her computer files at work. She finally shares with us her never-completed masterpiece:

Where do I begin? Seriously – where should my eyes begin reading the craptacular amount of copy on a simple orange juice box, and in what direction. There only need to be three words – “Tropicana”. “Orange.” “Juice”. Instead they waste my time saying that it is squeezed from fresh oranges, it’s 100% orange pure and natural, and oh by the way, its 100% pure and natural orange juice. The best part is probably that little half orange on the top. Except it eerily reminds me of the leftovers from a bris.

Smecial Dreams Via IM Mini-Entry!

Go Go Go, Anti-Pun Force X!

"Hurry Red X, Blue X, and Green X, we waste no time to go!"
"Roger that, Black X! Must hurry to fight! ASSEMBLE TEAM!"
"ASSEMBLE TOGETHER!"
"ALL MEMBERS FIGHT PUNS GO NOW!"

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)
They span the globe, Anti-Pun Force X!
They find the puns, Anti-Pun Force X!
They will rescue you, Anti-Pun Force X!
Until they won't stop, Anti-Pun Force X!


"Black X, Pink X here. I have identified a vintage LP record title!"
"Scanning... Stand down, Pink X. The pun is mild and not dangerous enough to pose a threat. Rejoin formation!"


"Gold X here. I have received three transmissions from a Larry K via cell phone camera. The three images are a little blurry, but I see pun activity underground!"




"Those are pretty awful, Gold X! It looks like part of some larger campaign of puns! Deploy underground anti-pun missile ordnance rockets!"
"Deploying!"
"Pink X here! I have detected my own transmission from a Beth Stone in the same city!"


"'Make her thorny?!' Why, the entire city is under siege! Prepare the robo-lasers and superthrust sensor mines! Scatter throughout the city and report back!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"


"There are so many ads, Black X! So many to resist! My thrusters are overheating, must eject from my mech before meltdown!"
"That is a negative, Mauve X! Stay on target and take each target down!"


"Backup systems are failing! Switching to manual override!"
"Do NOT abandon your posts!"


"Most of the city is under control now, Black X!"
"Good work, Periwinkle X! You and Burnt Umber X join me when you're done. I've got a special Internet mission for us!"
"On our way, sir!"


"'BarackBerry.' These Internet headline puns are terrible, sir!"
"That's right. It's because the writers think just because they don't make it in print, that they can disperse these terrible puns without consequence."
"LOOK OUT, SIR!"


"Holy sparklers, Periwinkle X. I dodged that terrible pun in the nick of time. My armor has been compromised. You and Burnt Umber X report back to base, I'll take care of this one myself..."

TO BE CONTINUED....?

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)

Let's Slap a Saddle on the EADJ Mail Sack and Ride It To Cactus Gulch!

Submitted by Beth Stone, a strangely sexually-charged McDonald's paper sack:


It's illegible, but the copy below the provocative headline reads: "At McD's, we serve you the kind of sausage we like to eat, with 0% filters and 0% extenders."


And if that weren't enough proof that Ronald is sporting a chub underneath his yellow pantsuit, here's a recent McDonald's print ad featuring the world's most famous porn star:

Special Guest Entry

Editor's Note: Beth Stone wanted to write an EADJ entry and EADJ pretty much blew off the suggestion until she actually sent in a fully-written bit. And she kept hounding us until we agreed to run it, even though we only pretended that we thought it was funny. So here it is. "Enjoy."


"Lost: A Horomonal Perspective"

The reasons for Lost's gravitational pull on viewers have been eagerly debated in the blogosphere. Perhaps it's unraveling the puzzles of how the characters get on, then off, then back on the island. Perhaps it's reveling in the rich basckstories. Perhaps it's rooting for love to prevail, with Des and Penny, Kate and Jack (and Sawyer and Juliet), Jin and Sun. I offer a theory that suggests that Lost is perhaps not all that different from, say, One Tree Hill. In two words: eye candy.


The producers have recognized the need to fulfill the TV watching desires of teenage girls (and ahem, mid-20s women) by feeding us with tantalizing moments of horomonal chocolate. With Sawyer, we eagerly anticipate his next half naked moment, though we also consider writing a kind but forceful letter to the producers with an Ab Master enclosed, suggesting Sawyer work a little harder on his pooch before the next shirtless scene. With Des, we close our eyes to hear the soothing words of "brutha" and "eyeeeeland" in his silky native tongue, and we contemplated licking the screen when he visited Oxford in his sexy scarf and aviators. With Daniel, we dream of a crossover episode with Beauty and Geek, giving him the makeover he so desperately needs to match his outer beauty with his emo-hotness. And the bear cage scene... that's soft core porn done right.


So the next time you watch Lost, let your mind wander, your eyes widen, your tongue hang out ever so slightly, and think about the gift of constant man sweat, bearded scruffiness, and emotional nakedness that JJ Abrams brought to the world. It'll hurt your brain a lot less than trying to figure out what the hell the show is really about.

Thank you.

Beth

Let's Throw the EADJ Mail Sack in the Washing Machine Even Though It Clearly Says "Dry Clean Only!"

Submitted by Beth Stone, some seriously pandering advertising from Pepsi, spotted in Boston over the weekend:

New EADJ Segment: Let's Read Some Cartoons That My Dad FWD'd Via Email!

Let's Watch the EADJ Mail Sack Drop In the Middle of New York City's Times Square!

Submitted by Beth Stone, a piece of chicken she found that looked like Pikachu.




This discovery eerily resembles an October entry wherein Danny Miller found a roll that looked like Pikachu. Whether this is mass hysteria or Pikachu actually trying to contact us through food has not been determined. Tune into EADJ for the latest in Pikachu-shaped-food-related entries.

Editor's Note: I like how Beth took the time to write "CHICKEN" on a piece of paper and then shoot it with her camera. Musta looked like a weirdo at the deli.

A Dose of Randomness

Beth Stone called our attention to a Hallmark store on 40th and Madison that featured some pretty random shit. Like a giraffe playing keyboard (this is before that Samberg SNL skit aired) and a pumpkin wearing a shirt saying "bonjour."


This, however, was the coup de grace:



Like, what the fuck.

Yes, Still Thinking About It.

And so is one of our EADJ readers:

Two More Rolly Wrap Converts

Wednesday was the initiation of both Lorraine and Beth into the Club of People Who Have Eaten the Rolly Wrap (current known members– about 4). The Rolly Wrap lunch was arranged after one girl's interest was piqued after reading the EADJ blog entry and the other one needed to get her mind off her crippling, relentless addiction to painkillers and black tar heroin.


Amazingly, Beth admitted to never having eaten at Old Bridge Deli in the year or so that she worked next door. Lorraine was amazed and enchanted at the upstairs dining area, which seriously features two zen fountains and two fully-equipped conference rooms (?!?!?!). Shit, I forgot to take a photo of those. Next time.

Here are Beth and Lorraine's reviews of their respective Rolly Wrap experiences:


Beth:

Despite the confusion over the appropriate pronunciation of "Rolly"(like the NC capital or rhymes with "poley"?), the result of my experience is clear: Rolly Wraps are soft, satisfying, satiating, and savory. Their turd-like appearance belies the gooey goodness within. I would recommend this doughy delight to friends and family. On the sprinach/squasage satisfaction scale, I'd give it two thrumbs up.


Lorraine:

The Rolly Wrap held true to its name, like a mini stromboli made personally for me. It was steaming hot, cheesy deliciousness that really hit the spot. Although I do think there could be a broader selection (such as a chicken cheesesteak Rolly Wrap), the hand held meal was a tasty mid-week treat. The only other thing that could have enhanced the experience would have been to book a conference room in advance to the right of the Zen garden for a more personal experience. One and a half thumbs up.

Love,
Lorraine

Their glowing write-ups, however, would stand for only a short time. About an hour after lunch, Beth sent this via IM:

---------

And on a follow up note, my stomach is now making noises that sound a lot like cookie monster slowly enunciating "rooooooollllllyyyyyy"

my stomach is acting adversely.
it's rejecting the rolly.
it's alternating nosies of "awwwooooogggaaaa" and "weeeeeee"

the problem is my nose is really stuffy
so i want to blow my noise
but i'm afraid that will set off a chain reaction of other things

---------

Beth would later report some difficulty in the ladies' room, describing the ordeal as "like pushing a potato through a kazoo*."

No complaints about gastric events were heard from Lorraine. Maybe because she was already lost in the intoxicating world of painkillers and black tar heroin.


*Her words, not mine.**

**Not really.

RELATED NOTE: Some crap blog named Midtown Lunch has published their own review of Rolly Wraps here. You'll see that it was dated 9/10/08, whereas EADJ's first posting of this delicacy was on August 20. Scoop scooped, motherfuckers!

ANOTHER RELATED NOTE: As promised, here is the exchange I had on Sept 25 with that random girl in line over how mesmerizing the Rolly Wrap making process was.



I didn't mean to creepily point the camera at her toes. Just wanted to record audio.

Let's Eat the EADJ Mail Sack's French Fries While It's Driving Out of the Drive Thru!

Submitted by Beth Stone, proof that she has a filthy mind:

Unmitigated Failure

I spotted this earlier today. Fancy that.

RELATED UPDATE: In a creative meeting, I stood between Brynn & Larry K. I congratulated Brynn for winning and she said, "Thanks." Then the CD overheard and asked, "What'd you win?" And Brynn and Larry K muttered, "Rolly Wrap." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

A Bit of Fun

Music: "Bedroom Music" by Best Fwends

Another Smecial Dreams Entry!

We asked folks if they had any weird dreams lately:





"Ummmmm, no. I actually am not a big dreamer."
- Joanne S





"I started working at a sushi restaurant with Ranee Wu. It was like a party sushi house...everyone's getting fucked up I couldn't remember any of the rolls. I was a horrible server. That was two nights ago, and I kept chain smoking. It was weird– I was in a weird Asian culture and I was the white girl. What's that mean?"
– Lauren Fontinel







"I dreamt I was in purgatory, but then I realized I was daydreaming at work so I don't think that counts."
- Lorraine S







"A guy with no pants on checked me in at the airport. That was a dream I had like a week ago."
- Andrew Gall








"I have very vivid true-to-life dreams. Not like, 'I was flying with a sea turtle and then Big Bird ate me.'"
- Beth Stone, who often dreams of the snack machine having the crackers she likes




"I had a dream I was running from the law. My friend had stolen something and I was the innocent guy with him, driving into parking garages hiding, running on foot... cops getting closer....then I woke up. Swear to God... I think I need to change something in my life or confront something..."
- Brent Caukin

What Matt Thinks 3: The Return of the King

A Richness of Embarrassment

Due to the understandably overwhelming success of "What Matt Thinks," people are crawling out of the woodwork, asking to contribute to EADJ. Brynn wants her own video EADJ segment. Beth (pictured above), an avid Brothers and Sisters viewer, has offered to transcribe some actual pussified lines from the show.

Not all requests will become developed, however. So settle down, ladies.