***IMPORTANT WEBSITE UPDATE***

Eat A Dick Joel has learned that Pewter Bear- that despicable, shallow, miserable wretch of an irregular, minor character- had taken over the website yesterday, offering free hugs and watered down content to suit its particularly horrible tastes.

We assure you that the following steps have been made to remedy this intrusion.

• All "Pewter Bear" search tags have been removed from Google. In fact, if you type "Pewter Bear" in you search bar now, a graphic photo of eyeball surgery becomes your desktop wallpaper.

• Pewter Bear has lost all access to EADJ editing and posting. In addition, we have seized Pewter Bear's bank accounts and even shut down his Netflix and Hulu Plus accounts. We have ordered his cable company to repossess all cable boxes from his home, which has been put into foreclosure by his bank. Edward Snowden will now be granted immunity to come live in his house with no pants on.

• All of Pewter Bear's XBox Achievements and Medals have been deleted.

• Pewter Bear's name has been legally changed to "Simpering Shitfuck, III"

• The market value of pewter has been dropped to -$568.31/oz. It actually costs you to own any pewter whatsoever!

• Pewter Bear's segment "Stuffed Animal Reviews" has been changed to "Hooker Armpit Farts."

• All previous mentions of Pewter Bear in previous entries have been removed and replaced with an ASCII file of Ryan Reynolds. This is far less annoying.

• This list is a "living document," guaranteed to grow as soon as we think up some other shit to do to him. Fuck Pewter Bear.

What iOS That?

Pictured below, 16 apps on my phone, and I have no fucking clue what any of them do.

Quick Blogger's Note

David will be on vacation starting Monday and will probably be away from a computer, so he has taken the steps to "front-load" next week's EADJ entries. If all goes well, the entries should post daily and on schedule. If not, you may want to read any one of the other 879,334,233,178,544,3843,537,801,201,276 blogs on the Internet.

New Segment: EADJ Song Hate

Every once in a while, EADJ will "retire" a song in radio circulation (or just in existence) that we've had quite enough of, thank you. Today we hate the song "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp.


Hey, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp, you're a shit song, okay? You're positively terrible.

For one, you have this overlong, masturbatory overture with both organ and electric guitar intros that sound like background music for a Stetson cologne commercial from the 80's. Pretty much a musical mullet. And that motherfucker runs for a whopping 2 minutes and 9 seconds before it stops, THEN starts again! Only at the 2:30 mark do we ever start hearing lyrics. And that's when you really start sucking:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!

Bitch, please. That's the payoff after repeating the first line three times? You totally made that "oh- hey uh, what, uh, hit the highway!" bit on the spot! That is TERRIBLE, dude. And it doesn't get much better when it's not the annoying chorus:

Well, I've been walking the streets in the evenin'
Racin' through the human jungle at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey - I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light?

Electricity runs thru the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all them stonies are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world callin' me up free tonight on the phone

No words. That is some pretty bad writing- "racin' through the human jungle" and rhyming "night" with "light" and "home" with "phone." And I guess since John Cougar Mellencamp wears jeans all the time, all his verbs can't have a "g" at the end, so he's "walkin'" or "sittin'" or "totally suckin' a donkey dick with his god-awful lyric writin'."

The truth is, he sings "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy" only about a dozen times, but the song is so poorly conceived with such an annoying chorus that it seems like he repeats it in the hundreds.

So today we retire you from classic rock stations, Camaro tape decks blaring in high school parking lots and whiskey roadhouse jukeboxes, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp. Have fun on the golf course! Don't let the door hit you on the ass as you uh-hmm-hey, who-uhh hey, hit the highway.


To purchase "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp from iTunes– though I have no idea why you would ever want to do that– click here.

***Update: I just noticed on iTunes that John Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Oh, fuck off.