Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When you forget the stylish scarf to go with that rakish fedora.

There's gotta be a template for this tired "blowing smoke" mixtape cover.

Hey Bodega, maybe you wouldn't need a giant down parka if you drove WITH THE WINDOW UP.

This is so different from other hip hop mixtape covers that I'm actually intrigued. Stet.

When your sister tends to fart a lot, you keep a fan handy.

You paid for that studio time. Better mix the shit out of that trap beat.

This is pretty neat. Other than the horrific kerning of the word "WHITE".

I wonder if gangsta newspapers have a crossword section.

Whoa! I guess they do.

Hella Breaking News

After an immovable stalemate in Congress between Democrats and Republicans over the nation's gun laws (made more urgent by the mass shooting in Orlando), House Democrats staged a sit-in on the House floor on June 22, demanding a vote on gun control legislation. The protest garnered national attention on the issue of gun control, which is great, but more interesting for us was this photo taken of them:

Does something about this stiff, somewhat posed photo of multicultural people in businesswear look familiar to you? It did to us:

Holy shit! The NJ Transit Survey was gun control propaganda!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

You know you're really living when you're getting a parking lot blowjob from a Hawaiian Tropic cardboard standee.

A popular way to prepare broiled emcees is to boil them still in their askew baseball hats, allowing your guests de-hat them for themselves!

I can't tell if Ces Cru is stripping this girl of her ego or if she is a stripper with a huge ego already. NEEDS MORE INFORMATION.

"Theart Breaker?" I just s❤'d in my pants. 

"Okay, guys. Very funny. Joke's over. Now where are you, where's my wallet, and how did we all end up in Prague?"

Really lazy mix tape designers sometimes just visualize a wishlist of stuff they want. Kind of like the old shopping segment in "Wheel Of Fortune" reruns.

Khaled didn't get that super-soldier body naturally. A secret government agency altered him with Ho-Hos and years of neglect.

"EVERYBODY DUCK, THE AIR SHOW'S IN TOWN!!!!!"

Meanwhile in China, they're cranking out cheap knockoffs of this mixtape. Hurr hurrrr.

Dear, Jesus. Thank you for not using the classic "see and say" here.

It's not really considered cool to use a colored-in kid's placemat from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor for your mixtape cover without prior approval from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor.

"We gon' BO'LING FO' SO'LS!"

From The Studio That Brought You "Battleship" and "He's Just Not That Into You:" "FLEX BELT 3D"

Now that Hollywood is completely out of ideas, having based entire movies on lines of toys and scraps of paper left in Philip K. Dick's bottom drawer, the idea of turning to the pages of the latest issue of SkyMall was a natural next step. 

Paramount Pictures and Universal Studios is proud to present "FLEX BELT 3D" starring Denise Richards, Lisa Rinna, Adrianne Curry and Some Muscled Douche With A Disturbingly Huge Forehead.

T.E.A.M. FLEX BELT is the newest superhero team adaptation- the story of three fairly recognizable C-level celebrities who don magical belts to transform into crime fighting C-level celebrities.

SEE them block the exit to a bank with their hands on their hips to stop a heist!

HEAR the unpleasant velcro sound the belts make when they take them off!

FEEL that one guy's massive forehead- I swear you could balance a keg on it!

Denise Richards stars as Becky Crampon, a sociologist/genetic scientist who uses her tightened abs to defeat ignorance and uninformed hearsay! 

Adrianne Curry stars as Maximillia Kegel, a brassy spitfire Valedictorian from Harvard who bounces at the local bar but wants to clean up the crime of her beloved city with the power of her bleached, shiny taint!

Lisa Rinna stars as Capt. Matrona Cosmeticia, a surgically-altered empath who can read your mind and create powerful forcefields of obscurity around her!

Brian Wade's forehead stars as the front receptionist's desk at T.E.A.M. FLEXBELT'S headquarters. Seriously. Look at that forehead. Banksy could do a mural on that thing.

(click to enlarge the newly released one sheet)

Hell, I'd see that movie.

Food.

Pictured below, craft service is not very excited about today's offerings.

Let's Throw the EADJ Mail Sack in the Washing Machine Even Though It Clearly Says "Dry Clean Only!"

Submitted by Beth Stone, some seriously pandering advertising from Pepsi, spotted in Boston over the weekend:

Day 3: Why Joel? Why a dick?

We're sure there are some of you out there wondering what in the hell the story is behind "Eat a dick Joel."

Is this all in fun? Is it some kind of low male humor? Is Joel in on the joke?

To this we say: "Who are you to ask? Why are you worrying about Joel? Why are you suddenly defending him? Why have you joined Joel at the dick trough?"

Dick trough joiner. You're a dick trough joiner.


(pictured above, CD Dean Hacohen announces a little motivation to those concepting on Hyatt Place: some shitty Bulls tickets. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.)