An Observation About a Local Church Bulletin

I looked in my church bulletin and have played enough Mortal Kombat to know that I'd have to beat the Catechetical Leader, the Bookkeeper, and both Permanent Deacons before I could defeat the Very Reverend Pastor/Prince Goro.

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Le Winter Collection

One way to ensure great service at cheap-ass H&M is to wear a big ugly, turkey feather fake fur with red, white, and black coloring like a king snake.

And speaking of furs, nothing hails a cab faster than a full length fur with the Dating Game background pattern and sneaks.

There's Canadian tuxedos, and then there are entire Canadian wedding receptions.

After turning his tricycle round the corner of the Overlook Hotel's hallway, Danny was confronted by these two sinister twins, both wearing Royal Blood sweatshirts and loose garments around or near their crotch.

If your pants are made from the same fabric as those reusable grocery tote bags, of course you're going to want them super baggy—that shit is itchy AF and will HAUNT YOUR PRIVATES.

Amazingly, Somehow Yet Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Marcela Pro Snow Lily

Brand Imagery: Big pink maxi pad (or a pink wooden clog?) floating on a pink sea

Brand Promise: Virtually LINT FREE

Feels Like: Wiping your ass with paper that's just as strong as clothesdryer lint

Brand: Either "b" or "q." I can't tell.

Brand Imagery: a tiny blue tsunami curling on itself

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: running a taxidermied marlin's dorsal fin between your butt cheeks

Brand: Carefree Choice Series

Brand Imagery: A leaf

Brand Promise: Feels like a leaf

Feels Like: A leaf

Brand: Boardwalk

Brand Imagery: A plain, unfriendly red and blue rectangle

Brand Promise: You will be taken to a refreshing walk along the Jersey Shore

Feels Like: Steve Buscemi shaking you down for all your struggling shop's money

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Grey and pink lettering. Plus a grey rose.

Brand Promise: "Your ass will remember me."

Feels Like: Your butthole is the latest "Bachelorette," and all the suitors are wearing sandpaper tuxes.

UAG

Another Visit To Pathmark

I know we don't do this bit anymore, but I took a trip to Pathmark that was extra prolific. So whatever.












And if it weren't obvious already, there's a Dunkin Donuts right next door:

No, It's Not What You Think, Honest!

So I bought this cutter from Pearl for the big wedding invitation project. Pretty straightforward little thing. Not too expensive.



But then I got some weird looks taking it home on the subway. I wondered why. Then I looked down at my bag:



The words "PERSONAL TRIMMER" makes it look like I'm taking home this massive weed wacker for my pubes, I guess. At least it says 12 inches.