Laying it on thick

Things I don't expect to hear anytime soon from a cab driver:

"Those bike messengers are a pure delight!"

"You want to pay with a credit card? No problem, boss!"

"Why yes, I will hang up my cell phone so that I can concentrate on driving."

"Rice and Western? I know exactly where that is and will get you there posthaste!"

"You want a receipt? Here, take a whole pad of 'em!"

"You're right. Me blasting NPR doesn't make me appear any smarter. I'll turn it down."

"There are seven of you, and you're all obnoxiously drunk? Pile in, kids!"

"My name is Dean Hacohen."

"You don't have enough money? TUUUUUUUU!"

"You no make fun. My name really TRAN PHAT."


(pictured above, Nancy M watches as four gallons of sour cream are slathered onto her ginormous Morton's tater)

Choo choo choo choo, Nikki Train, comin' through!

(pictured above, Drunk? Check. Cutter? Check. Abandoned rehab? Check)

Something smells moist.

(pictured above, Dean Hacohen once again puzzled by Jessica showing off her ass)

Okay, raise your hand if you haven't seen him yet.

(pictured above, Jessica's submission of the Shorter Fatter Scott Peterson standing with an anatomically correct version of herself)

Jessica joins the ranks of the few at the bottom of this page.

Unfortunate Logo of the Month

There's not exactly a plethora of vaj in a blog named "Eat a Dick, Joel," so it's always refreshing to find a nice slit or tomahawk wound when it wanders through our doors. But what's disturbing about this unfortunate logo is that the cooter looks propped open with chopsticks.

But maybe that's just the dirty minds of the EADJ editing staff. What did other people in the office have to say?

A "G" is born. -Larry

Cool but meaningless and dated. 2001 -Matt Webb

Someone really needs a trim down there. -Michelle Litos, who probably has used her ginormous box of Brazilian wax by now (see all of the May 3 entries)

Is this the e-vite for Boblett and Brad's going away party???? -Lauren F

Those 3 horizontal rectangular shapes might look nice Feeling like those arc shapes, top one going up, bottom One going down, and the center one emulating the center Shape (with the "G") but rotate 90 degrees and 1/4 as fat. Move the 2 dots around the "THE" and replace the arrows. - The always professional Andrea Park

Educational material for men of all ages. Prodding sticks, not included. - Nikki Baker, whose train keeps rollin'

A yonic logo to match a high class bar, unlike Cans. -J'Net

And what do you think of the logo, Pewter Bear?


Fuck off, Pewter Bear. You don't know shit.

Ureter Dick Joel

(pictured above, a somber, respectful tribute to Springfield's finest)

Let's keep this Nikki Train going!

Joel's latest misadventure was a violent altercation involving a salad bar, two squirrels and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that no one will ever want garbanzo beans at that salad bar again, the surviving squirrel fit nicely into the dollhouse, and Aaron Sorkin is very, very angry about his ceiling now.

(pictured above, a legendary photo from May: Nikki hangs with two randoms in Fado, one of whom keeps a cartoon graveyard in his mouth)

Drunk or Happy.

(pictured above, Toddman5000 and Nikki Baker, as shot by Annie Leibowitz at Gage, June 20, 2007)

IM IN UR MAILZ SORTING YR LETTERZ

(pictured above, the depressing realization that Curlz has been with CK from the very beginning)

Whoopseroni.

(pictured above, the DMV forgets the number "8" for Joel's vanity plate)

For Sheezy Jolly Good Fellow!

Summer day for Joel.

Joel took a break from writing terrible screenplays to sit back on his back patio and eat some tropical dick, poolside. Too bad Mrs. Gufton from across the way also decided to tan her breast at the same time.

Joel eyed the long, flatulent breast that she set on the poolside table and for a moment was tempted to eat it. It was then that he saw the nipple on the end and lost his urge.

His chimp servant tried to set up a screen to shield Joel's eyes, but by then Joel had completely lost his appetite.

(pictured above, Jeff Epstein before shredding evidence of buying alcohol for minors)

Helllooooo Octavius!!!!!!

(pictured above, photographic proof that nobody's happy on the Free Trolley)

Ew

(pictured above, Josh Witherspoon's grody prehensile pinky toe)

Hey Joel / Where You Going With That Dick In Your Hand

Joel once released a box set of journals of his dick-eating escapades. In them, he documented his musings and theories of why he loves dining on penis so much. He even included some pencil sketches of his more memorable meals.

Unfortunately, the price of the journals ($429.99 each) was cost prohibitive to his dozen fans, and Joel never made a dime. What's worse, Joel has yet to pay the $5159.88 Discover Card bill that he has from that trip to Kinko's. Boingggg!

Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling uses rolls of $1000 bills as tampons.

(pictured above, Jeanette's maternal instinct misguides her to the doggie dress section at Target)

What's a Dickfer?

After staying out the spotlight for weeks, Tianna has been caught in another tabloid scandal.

She was seen partying at The Whiskey and SkyBar on Sunset around 3am with a rowdy entourage. Club owners had tried to keep paparazzi away from the entrance as Tianna stumbled to her black SUV with Sienna Miller, some douchebag from Laguna Beach (redundant) and Lindsay Lohan, who had just left rehab hours before.

The picture above was taken when they stopped at a late night Taco Bell drive thru for Cinnamon Crispas, Taco Bellgrandes and a tiny bag of baby carrots.

Kyle Hacohen, Tianna's agent, declined to comment this morning about her escapades, opting instead to promote her upcoming workout DVD, "Furry Paw Yoga with Tianna."

Yay, Photoshop clone tool!

Step on Jessica's crack...

...break Matt Spett's back.

Curlz! Curlz! Curlz!

A short list of phrases I'd like to see typeset in Curlz:

Signature of parents required for abortion patients under 18

NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE

Rated R for Graphic Violence, Nudity and Frightening Images

Death to America

CROATOAN

May contain nuts

Senior Thesis by Joel Thomas

Let's Dip Part of the EADJ Mail Sack in Honey and Blow Lightly On It!

(pictured above, the FIRST SUBMISSION, photo or otherwise, from JOEL HIMSELF.)

Curlz Close Call.

(pictured above, a font that looks like Curlz at first glance, but ain't.

5 bonus points for being in a shitty Popeyes.

10 bonus points for having shrimp that look like dicks.

15 bonus points for inadvertantly reading "This jambalaya is dumpin'."

Let's Spit On the Outside Part of the EADJ Mail Sack Before Inserting Our Penis In It!

(pictured above, another submission by a not-busy-enough Vince)

Inserting just the Wedding Tip

Jessica doing what she does best, with a special guest.

Spotted: Dick

Larry and Flicklicker are the latest in a series of recent sightings of Scott Peterson's less-high more-obese twin. Here is Larry's write-up:

Yes. Flick and I had a SFVOSP spotting last night (My second of the day). Which I’m told means I have to write something about this glorious moment. But since I’m getting the sense that people are growing weary of this topic, I think I can get away with repurposing an old letter to Penthouse Forum.

Dear Penthouse Forum EADJ Editor,

I can’t believe this actually happened to me Phil and I. There I was in the Kinko’s just after midnight, we were on the escalator of the Illinois Center at 5:30, when there I saw this smoking hot cashier bent over a copier, in a sexy low-cut skirt, allowing me a view of her ass-crack. The SVSOP In ill-fitting Toughskins, which gave us a view of his ass-crack.

She stood up and she gave me a knowing smile. A smile that said we were going to fuck. The SVSOP looked at us weirdly. A look that said, “why the fuck are all these people staring at me?” We stared at each other for what seemed like hours and then she began fumbling for my jeans and the bulge in my pants I began fumbling in my pants for my cell phone. Before I knew it we were going at it like animals. We went at it everywhere. On computers. Scanners. Desks. She even let me stick a stapler in her ass. After a half hour of screwing each other’s brains out, we collapsed in a sweaty heap on the floor, repeating the act three more times in the next hour. It was a night I’ll never forget. The SFVOSP was gone before we could get a pic. We were disappointed.

Name Withheld Phil and Larry

(pictured above, the altercation captured on a Post It)

Out of Control!

There are a couple of SFVOSP updates in process right now, please stand by.

(pictured above, the ravages of partying and doing drugs have finally taken their toll on a popular actress)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!

The Shorter Fatter Longest Running Schtick on EADJ

Submitted by Matt Spett:
Larry and I saw Scott Peterson look-alike in the elevator about a half-hour ago. I tried to capture the moment but it didn't work out so well. Just want it to be documented on EADJ.

Submitted by Larry Liss, who's been reading way too much WWTDD:
And by "couldn't capture the moment" he means "completely inept at working the camera function on his cell phone."

Blargity blobbity Matt joins the list blabbity bloobity bottom of this page bloggity blerm.

John Hederdick Joel

Hamachi uni tekkamaki. Maguro hirame unagi ikura kazunoko. Hirame hotate tobiko sake tako seigo sayori. Usuzukuri sashimi wasabi yakitori torigai. Kurabota sunomono, tataki saba udon ebi kani chirashi. Takuwan goma ae gari kani don otaru shiro tekkyu ninjin? Nasu gobo shisonomi siitake kappa horenso maki.

Takuwan nasu kyuri kanpyo tobiko saba maguro ika– natto takuwan futomaki kani kai hamachi.

(Pictured above, J'Net is shocked by the futomaki offerings, much to Jessica's concern)

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)

Let's Dip the EADJ Mail Sack In Our Mouth!

(pictured above, another submission by an obviously bored Vince)

Let's Insert a Moistened Pinky into the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured above, a submission by a very bored Vince)

Let's shave the area just above and around the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Vince Soliven, an impostor who looks frighteningly like Joel would have, had he starred in Risky Business)

Life begins at 50!!!!!!!

After years in the Hollwood, Joel's career in the field of entertainment has taken an exciting new turn:

Joel has been asked to direct a theatrical production!

Meadow Brook Theatre in Detroit Michigan is proud to announce the 12-week run of the Bertram Award winning play "Hats!" With only 584 seats, the back of the house is only 19 rows from the extended stage. Needless to say, sightlines are excellent.


Hats! is a new musical about MaryAnne, who is 49.999 and unhappy about turning The Big Five-Oh. She meets several remarkable Red Hatted women who teach her about fun & friendship after 50 through stories and fabulous songs by Kathie Lee Gifford, Pam Tillis, Gretchen Cryer, Melissa Manchester, Amanda McBroom, Carol Hall & Susan Birkenhead, to name a few.

Joel's special take on this new classic features lots of water spit-takes, rolling of eyes, and holding both hands to heads to convey surprise. Joel has also requested that a drummer be on hand for rimshots. Joel has also required the flying in of dangerous, exotic birds to fly around and shit on people.

The play will run a merciful 45 minutes with assorted crackers, fresh vegetable tray with homemade ranch dipping sauce, assorted nuts, pretzels and other munchies. A personal stash of dick has been set aside for Joel, of course. It's in his contract.

In newsstands today:

Dick is Why I'm Hot

Finding new ways to eat dick is always challenging. Especially free dick. But earlier this week Joel devised a plan to do just that.

Joel took a job at a Costco in Palo Alto as a "sampler," one of those clerks who hand out free samples of Go-Gurt® or Cracklin' Oat Bran® to shoppers. But Joel was smart enough to set his station up by the dog food pallettes in the back, allowing him to offer "a little extra" with every sample to male shoppers.

With only three days into his new job, Joel has successfully eaten 87 dicks gratis. He's not moving product so much as consuming it, if you catch our meaning, wah wah wah. Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, Herr Crisman wishes everyone "Bis Morgen DDR" from a German television station in the 70's)

KARRIE would like to be added as Joel's friend!

Hi Joel,

KARRIE would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

By accepting KARRIE as your friend, you will be able to send KARRIE personal messages, view KARRIE's photos and blog, and interact with each other's friends and network!

KARRIE'S general interests include: candles, history, aromatherapy, massages, camping, hot dogs, sleeping, dogs, art, photography, internet, painting, makeup, cloves, cooking, scrapbooking, hanging out with little ones, traveling, 1920's, meeting new people, trying new things,Nip/Tuck, Snowmobiling, Fourwheeling, Fishinng (sic), Camping, Rafting, Snowboarding, Hot Pink Gerber Daisies, Sun Rise, Swedish Fish, Adventure, Traveling, Didgeridoo, Splashing in Puddles, Sushi, Cuddling, Nude Art, Snowflakes, Iccy Hot (sic), Horoscopes, Old Couples Holding Hands, Dimples, Trust, Late Night Phone Calls. That pretty much makes her totally compatible with you.

No wait. Your general interests are "eating dick, wiping off chin, and eating more dick?"

Never mind.

-myspace

NOTE: Just so you know, here are some of Brad Harvey's interests: wood screws, nutella, farming, vodka crans, pooper scoopers, Eliza Dushku, "The Parent Trap," penguins, computer speakers, pizza, Don Knotts, strawberries, skating, lying down, thumbtacks, seagulls, The Dharma Initiative, flavored teas, Corpus Christi, Dr. Feelgood, Ben Latimer, oatmeal, CD-R's, fellowship, urine, beartraps, Sissy Spacek, dungarees, clogging, crystal meth, falling off wolves, hepatitis, backyard wrestling, and K.T. Tunstall.

Curlzbiquitous.

(pictured above, proof that Lincoln Park sucks demon asshole)

20+ bonus points for including a silver Hummer in the crop.

CC=200!

The following 200TH ENTRY at Eat a Dick Joel has been submitted by longtime contributor Andrew Gall:

As guest writer and frequent reader, I marvel at where we’ve gone, where we’ve been, and where we’re going. When I saw one of the first posts featuring Ray Kunst watching Star-Trek reruns in the kitchen, I knew we were in for something special. Did it have anything to do with Joel eating dick? It’s debatable. But one thing’s for sure: Joel’s eaten a lot of dick. And no matter how we’ve managed to report it, it’s happened. From that fat woman on the escalator to Tianna’s robbery to Threading The Needle, Dick has been consumed multiple times over. And that, my friends, is a legacy worth celebrating. And one that I will continue to read about many times on a daily basis.

NOTE: Some of you may ask why Joel didn't write the 200th commemorative entry. Well, it pretty much slipped our minds. We'll ask him to write the 300th entry next month. Whatever.

Happy 200th, Joel. Here's to 54,988,467,122,852,109,843,656,013,334 more dicks for you to eat!

Let's moisten the top part of the opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Todd Crisman submitted the following photos via cameraphone while he waited for the Metra train:



Man.

Saucy!

(pictured above, a pretty bad marketing idea: making food more tasty to animals who readily lick their own assholes)

If it pees, eat it.

The following are questions from a psychological test that Joel took while applying for a job at Jack In the Box:

YES/NO Do you feel sad or depressed?
YES/NO Feel easily tired or distracted?
YES/NO Do I make you horny?
YES/NO Do you have tense muscles or problems sleeping?
YES/NO Do you ever think about eating dick?
YES/NO Admit it. You do think about eating dick, right?
YES/NO Joel. We're talking to you.
YES/NO Joel.
YES/NO Fine. Don't answer.
YES/NO Do you ever feel exhausted after eating dick?
YES/NO Do you think that maybe you might be eating too much dick?
YES/NO It's not that we're judging you or anything. Maybe you should just cut back a little.
YES/NO Do you feel worthless or guilty?
YES/NO Do you feel angry?
YES/NO Do you sometimes get so angry that you want to garrotte that goddamn receptionist's neck?
YES/NO Do you ever want to hurt yourself?
YES/NO Do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself?
YES/NO Can we hurt you?
YES/NO Please?
YES/NO Would you like to hurt us?
YES/NO Hey, where are you going?
YES/NO
YES/NO
YES/NO Asshole.

(pictured above, a spectacular display of swooping, organic lines surrounding a sucking, cavernous venue, and a stage)

To All the Curlz I've Loved Before

(pictured above, Curlz proves that it's not just a favorite of pet care products and shitty cafés)