Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

_______________

29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour

So, This Was Stupid.

I received an email from my local YMCA about registering my kids for Youth Sports: 

The problem was, there was neither an active hyperlink within the image on the email when you click on REGISTER NOW, nor was there a text link anywhere. Just a dumb QR code which you couldn't click on. And this shit was on my phone, so I couldn't SCAN the QR CODE. And then when I googled "South Mountain YMCA SMY YOUTH SPORTS REGISTER" nothing came up.

So guess what I did. I PRINTED this stupid email out and then SCANNED the QR CODE. What stupid grandfather roundabout bullshit is this? Jesus. Well, long story short, my boys are now signed up for 8 weeks of badminton this summer. Kidding.

Here Are Some More Available But Godawful Porn Names

Great job landing your first movie role, kid. But before you begin "performing" for the camera, you're going to need to tell our producers what your alias–aka porn name–is going to be. Keep in mind some of the best, most memorable porn handles have been taken already. But don't worry– we have a few unused ones lying around that you're welcome to. Be warned, though– they're pretty terrible.

Him

Beau Geste

Cumpanion Cube

Ben Ghazi

Dong Cornelius

Harold Asscrack

Shane ToMyParents

Warren G. Throbbing

Her

Lauren Ipsum

Teri Yaki

Nicorette

Bessie Mae Mucho

Bézier Curves

Lapdance Lazuli

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week Of Sept 8

HI this is Cassandra the daughter of DADDY

He left me in his office while he goes to a MEETING but he wanted me to send OUT the JOB NUMBERS for timesheets which Daddy says is DUE at the end of the day

After this SENTENCE are the job numbers everyone is SUPPOSED to use:

82455 -  Convincing the freelancer to quit

53252 - Wrestle with your conscience

53253 - Wrestle with your partner

20005 - Somehow finding fault in the OK Go music videos on YouTube

85258 - Spraying PAM between your tits

80030 - Staying up late at night, hating Hillary Clinton

75590 - Inspecting the working conditions at the Cheesecake Factory 

41123 - Gluing googly eyes to the back of a corpse's head

35875 - Making up job numbers

48814 - Pretending you didn't just sit hard on your balls

35801 - Kegel exercises

Imagine Me and You, I Do, I Think About You Day and Night, It's Only Right, To Think About The Girl You Love, and Hold Her Tight, So Racist Appliances

It's Casserole Clip-Art Season Again!

Mere days after Halloween, it is time once again to break out the casserole clipart in anticipation of the next holiday.

Casserole clipart is good for Thanksgiving invitations, Thanksgiving memos, Thanksgiving shopping list designs and other Thanksgiving related ephemera.

But not all casserole clipart is the same.

Some casserole clip art is better than other casserole clipart.

Lots of casserole clipart is in color, whereas there are some that are simply in black and white.

Some casserole clipart is so beautiful you could stick your dick in it.

Some casserole clipart is so hideous you could have it tuck its dick behind your balls.

Some casserole clipart is so clean and simple, you could feel ashamed for letting another casserole clipart do something like tuck its dick behind your balls.

Some casserole clipart doesn't show a casserole at all.

Some casserole clipart needs to be forgotten. Like that time that other casserole clipart… never mind.

ENJOY USING AND SHARING YOUR CASSEROLE CLIPART THIS MONTH!

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Q: Which Hudson News is this?

A: Trick question. It's every single one of them.

I Ponder An Ad Way Too Long

I was at the car rental in Chicago, and I spotted this display ad for Kia cars:




Okay, a pretty run-of-the-mill ad of a guy jumping over a sedan. But then I looked closer:


Is that guy *in* the car with his head poking out of the sunroof? You certainly can't see that guy's feet behind the car.

What's amazing is that they took the time to retouch a reflection of the basketball in the windshield, but they left that guard sitting there like he's wearing the car like a barrel. Or is he on his knees, sticking out of the trunk?

F.

Fourth of July Preparations

As the holiday weekend approaches, EADJ urges everyone to exercise caution and care when helping your toddler light M-80s.

It is in this spirit that we feature a recent item we got in the mail: The Phantom Fireworks brand catalog:


The 30-page catalog boasted an impressive array of fireworks in their stock. But more interesting were the item descriptions.

(Click to enlarge and read)

Spotted On the Subway

A lady happily eating her ham sandwich, reading Sunday comics and listening to tunes with her mp3 player between her boobs.

Let's Dip Part of the EADJ Mail Sack in Honey and Blow Lightly On It!

(pictured above, the FIRST SUBMISSION, photo or otherwise, from JOEL HIMSELF.)