BTW

His name is not Franken Berry. He's Franken Berry's Monster.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Shine Laminate Floors

Clean and maintain your laminate floors if you want to extend their life and keep our home looking great. Here are some handy steps on how to keep them shiny:

1. Sweep and vacuum the floors. Use a microfiber mop or a soft broom to sweep the debris out of the room.
2. Prepare a laminate-formulated floor cleaner.
3. Spray a thin layer onto your floor.
4. Mop the floor.
5. Air-dry the room.
6. Buff any additional dull spots.

And speaking of dull spots, I can't tell you how many times I've driven a couple who were excited to be riding in a limo but just ran out of things to talk about and the date fell flat. Guys, you have to try harder to engage your dates! Ladies, do your part to keep the conversation going! Be safe, kids!

Burning Questions For Season 4 of "Walkway To Parking", Now Available On Netflix

Season 4 of the blockbuster series "Walkway To Parking" is finally available, streaming exclusively on Netflix. Here now are some burning questions that WTP fans have been asking for over a year:

• Who is going to play Donovan now that Jussie Smollett is out?

• Did John Fogerty really play that song live in the cafe?

• When the sloth skeleton started slaughtering everyone in the Kiwanis Club meeting scene, was that CGI or a man in a suit?

• Why is this still on?

• Does Tracy's hair color change have a hidden meaning, or does anyone on set just not give a damn?

• Was that really Jim O'Heir from "Parks and Rec" playing the bass saxophone?

• Why were there so many "Goonies" reference in Season 3?

• Who directs this shit?

• Could the product placement be more obvious? I'm talking about the Blue Bonnet Margarine baby gender reveal scene in the Season 3 finale.

• WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE

Let's Smear Day-Old Guacamole All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

(Photo is unrelated)

 

This from Matt S:


I am in the middle of a drawn out battle with a furniture retailer in NJ, and have been given the runaround and been lied to while my son sleeps on the floor because they can't deliver furniture, their only job requirement.

In addition to contacting the BBB and (no one knows this, Fox 5 and Channel 7) I've just made a tumblr blog about this.

http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

Can you push this to your readers? I'd love for it to start making traction!

----------------


Thanks, Matt.

We feel for your son because of this travesty of customer disservice, but as a blog that mainly covers terrible movies and dick jokes, I gotta say this might not be the right forum for this issue to air.

Still, in our 6 year history, we have never turned a blind eye to an infant's troubles. Okay, maybe that once. But still, we're with you, Matt, and we'll share that link with both of our blog readers.


http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

 

Matt, hope this makes up for that time we pantsed you at Busch Gardens that summer.

Flood Coverage

Even in waders standing in floodwaters filled with poo and gasoline, Channel 2's Kristine Johnson still knows how to look good.


Work that disaster area, sister!

Laser Printer Was Feeling Blah

Laser Printer was feeling blah.


Salad tomato really took the news hard.


Packing tape dispenser couldn't believe his eyes.


Home Depot Bathroom Sink didn't give a shit.


Toilet paper dispenser was hiding from Pac-Man, who had just eaten a power pill.


Ladder was aghast (submitted by Emily Kane).


Still, the entire time, Cab Window was nonplussed (also by Emily Kane).

Uncomfy Chair

Our producer Beny attempts to keep it together as she samples the fabled Hula Chair.



For context, here's the original infomercial:



And for some reason you want to buy one, click here.

Eat A Dick Joel Would Like To Congratulate Barack Obama On His Inauguration.

Wolverines!

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Shell Game

Today we pick on Shell Game, a 1975 made-for-TV movie that launched John Davidson's career into hosting duties for "The Great American Quiz Show" and "That's Incredible!" Unfortunately, Davidson does not sing on this soundtrack.


I gotta admit, I didn't expect such copyright protection from a supermarket-bought DVD. But this is a review of the film, East West Productions LLC, so it counts as fair use.


I found a cool DVD Easter Egg: if the menu is left alone for 5 minutes, Joan Van Ark picks out food from John Davidson's teeth for nutrients. It's called a symbiotic relationship.


Plot summary: A convicted con artist sets out to expose the head of a charity fund who has been embezzling money to cover his huge gambling losses. The opening credits featured some nice loungy jazz.


Lyle Rettig works for a charity but also steals from them. He accuses a kindly old lady of embezzling all of it. Another worker, Max Castle (John Davidson), catches onto his game.


Conveniently enough, Max Castle is a former con man who has been just itching to get back in the game. But here, his con is to get stolen money back, so that makes it morally okay.


Castle meets Rettig blowing all the money at the races. A good question to ask here would be "Why doesn't Rettig recognize Castle?" Another one is "If War Pass finishes under four furlongs ahead of Bim Boom Bop, does it still match the 3-1 payout?"


Castle and Joan Van Ark, whose character's name I never got, pretend to be a wealthy couple who win a lot of money based on an "inside tip." They help Rettig win a few thousand bucks, so he's totally on the hook now. They decide to meet later on Castle's yacht...


... which is actually just a rented boat, apparently full of dozens of people who are also in on the con. They introduce Rettig to a third, older dude, who's important to the story.


Blah blah blah, the bad guy is buying all the flimflammery. They talk of investing in a gold mine. On a yacht. With caviar being served. Why they didn't also wear tuxedos and top hats with monocles, I'll never know.


They get the gold mine assessed by Bob the Builder, who says it's worthless. But through some trickery and boring dialogue, they have Rettig convinced that the gold mine is virtually a goldmine of gold.


So Rettig buys the gold mine from Castle, yah yah yah, you see where this is going.




The slow realization that he's been had is exactly that. But as an actor, this is a fine opportunity to give the nuanced performance that can win you an Emmy (He didn't).


Confirmation that he's been screwed comes in the form of Andy Travis, manager of a struggling radio station in Cincinnati.


Overall, I'd say the movie was pretty decent. It promised grifting and a con game, and it did deliver that. But it wasn't as surprising as it could have been.


The plot was not as intricate as most con or heist movies, but it's not like Dave Mamet penned the gosh darned thing.


John Davidson was shirtless in at least 2 scenes, so that gave me something to masturbate to. Or ON. Hello!


EADJ Crappinema rating: *** 3 Stars. A tidy, casual Sansabelt movie with all the intrigue and excitement that 50¢ can buy.


Some possible taglines for Shell Game:

He's taking back what's his, and taking names.

How do you con a conman? With dimples.

CONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

You're sitting on a gold mine! Not!

A man. A woman. A few horses. A shaft.

In con space, no one can hear you scream as you get conned out of a lot of money.

Oh My Gawd!

(pictured below, J'Net discovers the free nudie channel on New York cable)

In newsstands today: