I Don't Get It

If you buy groceries on Amazon, sometimes they come in nicely packed Amazon bags sitting in a row on your front porch, and sometimes...

#Raguinabox

Missed Connections at a Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The cockapoo with the ball in your mouth

Me: The clearly aroused Irish Setter

Hey baby. If you noticed, I was panting but it wasn't because it was hot. It was because YOU are. Let's get together over a can of Alpo and see where the night takes us. ❤️

You: The mixed something-or-other by the chain link fence

Me: The half Beagle with the distinctive bark

Hello! I would like a play date with you sometime! You seem nice! I have no friends!

You: The Yorkshire Terrier with the striking "Emotional Support Animal" vest

Me: The dirty Dachshund with the one bent ear

Hi, Yorky! You obviously seem like a good soul, helping your owner deal with the crushing reality of life. Do you like chasing squirrels? Let's connect! You can bring your oversensitive owner!

UAG

An IM Convo

EADJ Retail Hell!

This week, EADJ fixes its lens on the rich, vibrant culture that is retail. From merchandise to casual and lunchtime dining, we will assess, examine, judge, condemn, and sexually assault.


First up, a café in Midtown. It's just another middling Cosi-wannabe that doesn't offer anything new, but what EADJ found interesting was that the manager had set up his office smack dab in the middle of the dining area.


I'm guessing there was no room in the back to set up a proper desk, but it seems odd that they would actually take space away from customers to run the stupid place. Dumbbbbbbbb.


Adding to the dumbness is how enormous the food preparation area is. One guy working the register doesn't need a train car-sized counter to make a skim latte. Knock that boy down and throw your dumb Dell Computer back there, you dumb dummies.


Not pictured on the far wall (to the left of J'Net) were a few refrigerated displays and another serving counter for sandwiches and salads, separated by a huge OPEN FLOOR. So there's obviously some wasted space, but Sir Dumbalot Mullet Cockhorse Buttnugget decided to put his disorganized managing style in full public display. Kudos, good sir!

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)

Dick Time is Always The Right Time

After a job interview yesterday, Joel walked around downtown L.A.

Most every dick grocery around was still closed, as it was only 8:30 in the morning. Joel did manage to come across a hot dog vendor in front of a convenience store.

Always quick-witted when hungry for dick, Joel ran into the convenience store, bought a 13-inch veal sausage and meatballs, and took it to the hot dog vendor to slather it in mayonnaise. Instant dick!

Joel will be releasing a "how to" book of dick cooking emergencies later next spring.

(pictured above, Jessica travels to France to release a pop album under a nom de plume. Singing in French, however, doesn't deter her from talking about poop as usual.)

Drunk or Happy.

(pictured above, Toddman5000 and Nikki Baker, as shot by Annie Leibowitz at Gage, June 20, 2007)