Merry 20th Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel!

This Christmas morning marks 20 years of needlessly blogging about bullshit nobody cares about, hosted graciously for free by Blogger.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, we did the 2026 thing and used A.I. to create a holiday-themed background for our figure. It served up 3 options and we liked all of them:

Merry Christmas, readers (or reader)! Who are you, anyway?

A Shopping Cart Gripe

I have a serious peeve with people doing this with their shopping carts–  fucking dragging it behind you like a corpse on wheels instead of pushing it.

I don't know why they do it. It makes it LESS maneuverable in a store. You're constantly in danger of having a wheel hit you on the ankle. And it takes twice as much room. 

Probably people do this so they can have one hand free to text their dumb friends. IM SHOPING FOR TOLET PAPR

Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Push your carts, dimwits. 

Job Listing

Spotted on a job site: A company is looking for a Senior Creative Director who's also entry level.

 

A Hiccup

I got not one, but four emails from Blogger telling me they had to remove an entry from August because it violated their "Malware and Viruses policy."

Now, I rarely post anything on this thing other than stupid pictures, so I have to think somehow they're mistaken or my laptop started spreading viruses in the form of metadata in photoshopped jpegs. Who knows.

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ thank you for continuing to read us for whatever reason and send you the brightest and warmest Christmas greetings.

Don't get too drunk.

Program Note

Blogging doesn't suck today.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

I've got plenty of FB friends. I can afford to lose one or two. Like D_______ who posted this dumb and vaguely racist meme on her Wall:

Come again? What are you saying now? If there were more corporal punishment, kids wouldn't go around acting like wannabe gangsta thugs, is that the lesson? Or is it a very roundabout way of saying that black kids need to be spanked more? Whatever, man. My brain can't close the loop for you if you don't meet it halfway.

Yeah, D____, you were spanked and look how you turned out. Inarticulate and simplistic. BYE BYE!

This film has not been rated.

Spotted At Target

If you're playing this shit in "real life," then you don't have one.

UAG Lazy Lazy Lazy Lazy

UAG

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Q: Which Hudson News is this?

A: Trick question. It's every single one of them.

An Open Letter To "That Guy" On the Subway

Dude,

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you SO tired from shopping at the M&M Store that you just have to lean your whole body on the pole? Now the rest of us standing on the train have to "surf" when the train moves or have to put our hands against the ceiling like goddam Spider-Man because your indolent ass thinks you found a "seat."

And as if that pole isn't dirty enough, you have to fit it between your butt cheeks, too? Some midget's hands are going to smell like your asshole now. Think about that.

Fuck your mother!

EADJ

EADJ Super-Sneak Peek with Kathy

Hello. I'm Kathy, administrator and blogmaster of Eat A Dick Joel. Although I work mainly behind the scenes at this website, maintaining it and doing lots of administrative work (ugh, paperwork!), I am stepping out from "behind the curtain" just this once to tell you about some blog entry ideas that didn't quite make the cut.

Lots of these are still under development and may actually see the light of day, so here's what you MAY have to look forward to (crossing fingers!):

• Pube or Strand of Wire?
• Microwave Heckler- a segment where we heckle the instructions to your favorite microwavable food items
• EADJ "Feel My Balls"- pretty self explanatory
• Let's Dial a Random eBay Auction Number Into the Phone and See Who Answers!
• Parts of a Vagina- a non-snarky, serious look into female anatomy
• EADJ Concierge Hassle- we call a fancy hotel concierge, pretending to be a guest, and order a hooker. When the hooker arrives, we have sex with them. Hilarious!
• Slipping a Hard Taco Into a Stranger's Pocket and Then Punching It- video segment
• What Is the Deal With Booger Glue? (A 14 Part Series)
• Bryan Dixon Writes Angry Letters To Large Corporations
• The Wolfman Decrees
• EADJ "Falcon Crest" Fan Fiction Corner


Stay tuned to EADJ, and keep your eye out for any of these fantastic new blog entries! Or not.

To The Guy Leaning With His Full Back On the Pole in the Subway

Hey.

Wassup man.

Look, this subway car is kind of getting crowded, and I since neither of us could find a seat, it looks like we're both in the same boat (or same subway train, to be literal LOL!).

But seriously. This train makes some pretty sharp turns and unexpected, jerky stops, so maybe if you could get that pole from between your butt cheeks, I could grab onto something to steady myself. No, not your butt cheeks- I wanted to grab the pole. Don't flatter yourself. I'm like, married.

It's really irritating that you're so lazy that you have to slump against a subway pole like that. Plus, it really leaves a poor impression on the ladies that you don't carry yourself a certain way. Who knows; maybe you're gay? Well, it still applies to impressing the fellows.

And I guess you're not an avid reader of this blog, because an old July entry from 2007 sort of covered this topic already.


But in all seriousness, fucking move.

A Lazy Quick Summer Fashion Tip

Girls, try to avoid wearing orange shorts with a white tank top.


If you don't, some creepy guy will follow you, thinking you're a Hooters Girl and post photos of you on his blog.

An Unsuccessful Conversation

A recent IM convo between me and Jessica Foster:

EADJ Reader Update

Breaking blog news from Bill Dow:

"i just got banned from a blog's comment section for not using capital letters."

Bill says the owner of the Chicago Tribune blog "Change of Subject" banned all his posts because of stylistic differences, but also probably because he called him "an Obama shill."

The blogger posted his post for banning him:

ZORN REPLY -- It's not acceptable Internet style here at Change of Subject. If you don't care enough about what you're saying even to use capital letters, why should anyone care what you have to say at all? Consider this your last warning.

you're banning me for not using capital letters? with a sentence that contains a grammatical error? here's some capital letters for you: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

good luck with the blog, generalissimo.

ZORN -- Yup!

"nothing could make my day more complete," Bill wrote.

Please note that at EADJ, you can pretty much write whatever however you want here, and we will rarely block you. Your non-capped comments are safe here, Bill.

(pictured above, a photo that came up when I Googled "Bill Dow")

Apologies Are In Order

*** An official apology to Joel, from the Chamber of Commerce of Jefferson City, Missouri***

On behalf of the Chamber of Commerce and the good citizens of Jefferson City, Missouri, I would like to extend an official apology to Joel Thomas for the inconvenience and embarrassment that we had caused him last week.

1. We had no idea that naming our shrewmole "Joel" would be offensive to you.

2. We didn't realize that the accommodations for your stay in Jefferson City were unsatisfactory; we thought the canvas cot and bowl-to-piss-in at the Colony Inn were sufficient for your needs.

3. Our presenter Randy Galley, is a local favorite and a "hoot." We apologize if any remarks he made during his introduction of you caused offense. For example, when he said that Japanese samurais were "chinks in armor," we hope you didn't have any Japanese or chink heritage. "Cause that would be awkward.

4. We thought sending you to Angelina's Café on Boonville Road would be a good way to soak up the local color. We didn't realize you were on a strict dietary regimen of "dick, ranch sauce, dick, and Goobers." We are sorry that Angelina's Cafe only had Goobers for you.

Please accept this notarized document and a coupon good for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut (none in Jefferson City, sorry sorry sorry) as our official apology. We hope you could maybe find time in your busy schedule next year to have another dick-eating exhibition at the Jefferson City Town Fair.

Irma Thadeus
President & Vice President of Chamber of Commerce
Jefferson City, Missouri

(pictured above, Mister Lazybones doesn't take the extra effort this morning to look for his yellow sneakers with the black grid pattern. I mean, why even bother sometimes?)

Helllooooo Octavius!!!!!!

(pictured above, photographic proof that nobody's happy on the Free Trolley)