This Week: ALL UGLY ANDREW GALL ENTRIES

 You may not have noticed, but last week we skipped featuring our blog crutch entry Ugly Andrew Gall. But were back with a vengeance this week, using ALL UAG entries. So enjoy!

Even More Memorable Lines To Movies I Haven't Watched

"An angry granny charging at me with two knitting needles."

(translated from Swedish) "This barn is the right size but too drafty to host our wedding reception."

"Hey goat. It's good to see you. I like your beard. I had a beard like that in "The Perfect Storm". Did you see that movie?"

"Ever feel like you're doing the same thing over and over again?"

"No, this is my first movie."

"Forgive me, Father, for I am about to find out what's under those vestments!" 

"Why do they call you 'Pegging Peggy?' OHHH."

Upcoming Feature Films Based on Air Freshener Names

Hollywood, now completely out of ideas, continues to scour every last part of the modern world for movie script sources–the latest being the air freshener aisle at your local CVS. Major movie studios are in fact in a bidding war for the rights to the different air freshener flavors to release as movies. Here are the latest upcoming titles:

"Fresh-Pressed Apple" starring Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and Gillian Jacobs.

Two rival apple farmers go to war over the heart of an attractive young horticulturist who just moved into town. Directed by Adam McKay.

"Linen Escape" starring Megan Fox, Adam Scott and Don Cheadle

A blanket businessman (Cheadle) is confronted by two criminals (Fox and Scott) who are trying to use his credentials to rob the bedding convention he's attending. Also starring Ed Helms as the CEO of MyPillow.

"Elegant Amber & Oud" starring Rami Malek and Amber Heard

This sweeping cross-cultural romance stars Malek as Oud who woos Amber (Heard) with his impressive stringed instrument technique. Set in the romantic Saudi city of Tabuk, it captures the beauty and wonder of Arabic nightlife as experienced by a basic white girl.

"Blue Odyssey" starring Jeremy Renner, Viola Davis and Don Johnson

A charter boat captain (Renner) is paid a small fortune to take a mysterious woman (Davis) to an off-the-map island, no questions asked. He quickly finds himself in a web of intrigue involving the mafia, NASA, the Pillsbury Doughboy (voiced by Don Johnson) and fourteen Del Taco workers. Rated R

"Mediterranean Lavender" starring Kate Hudson, Emily Browning and Regina King

 A bachelorette party in Barcelona goes off the rails when the club they're partying in gets taken over by ecoterrorists, headed by Peter Stormare. They make weapons out of what they have on hand–champagne glasses, silverware, and a giant joke dildo–to fight back. Rated PG-13 for language and a giant joke dildo.

"Blood Orange" starring Zendaya, Emma Roberts, Ansel Elgort and Robert Pattinson

A remote orange farm in the town of Limeira, Brazil is the setting for this moody, dark murder mystery. A farmer's daughter is found murdered, and her fiancé has no alibi, but there's more to this story... Soundtrack by Tati Zaqui and Kevinho.

"Aqua Exhilaration" starring Zac Efron, Mckenna Grace, John Boyega and Zoë Kravitz

Four carefree dumbasses sit in a parking lot throwing water at each other. Running time: 150 minutes

UAG

Some Watercolor Animals And Their Terrible Confessions

What? MORE Movies Based On My Wife's Ringtones? Not Cool, Hollywood. Not Cool.

Explanatory sentence describing Hollywood and their lack of original scripts blah blah blah. 

"Silent"
starring Teller
No plot summary available.

"Birdsong By The Lake"
starring Zac Efron, Kristen Bell, Amanda Seyfried and One Direction's Harry Styles
This uplifting young adult drama captures an unforgettable summer by the lake, following the story of four friends who find love in the most unlikely of places, under a rotting canoe.

"Blowing Dandelion Seeds"
starring Peter Dinklage and Faith Ford
A corrupt senator (Dinklage) tries to hide his crimes by blackmailing the investigative reporter (Ford) on his trail. A web of intrigue and a clash of wills turn into a deadly battle involving a drug cartel, the Russian mafia, and hookers. Kat Williams plays the pimp "Dandelion Seeds."

"Bugs' Story"
This crappy low budget Pixar ripoff stars the voices of Woody Allen, Sharon Stone and Sylvester Stallone as... oh wait. They already made "Antz."

"Desert Sunrise"
Sigh. Once again Richard Linklater directs Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy as star-crossed lovers who make a strong connection and flirt for two hours. But this time it's in a desert. Soundtrack by Smashmouth and Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn.

"Drifting Downstream"
starring Richard Crenna, Roy Scheider, Rue McLanahan and Brittany Murphy
This charming, lighthearted comedy about suburban life is sure to delight all audiences, except for the fact that all the actors listed to star in it are dead.

"Eagle's Call"
starring Gerard Butler, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Ken Jeong
A CIA operative (Butler) joins forces with a Black Ops specialist (Johnson) to find a nuclear device stolen by an unnamed Supreme Leader of North Korea (Jeong). Also starring Sam Elliott as Captain Dash.

"Fairy Fountain"
featuring the voices of Amy Schumer, Howard Stern, Jim Norton, and Lisa Lampanelli.
Fuck fuck shit cock pussy shit cunt tits fuck fuck pisser shot fuckers fuck asshole shit cunt dick twat fucker cum fucker shit shit fuckers.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, now look into the camera with some intensity... that's it. More intense, like this is all about the rugged outdoors, with danger, disaster and the triumph of sheer will-power... Nice, that's better! But don't look angry now, I want you to be intense but not resentful. Just a slow, intense burn.

"Now, don't arch your brow too much, because that makes you look quizzical– and you're not. You know exactly what you're doing. This is all about control, and you are the boss in this situation. You are the chieftain. The alpha male. That's better! Yes! YES! That is a PERFECT LOOK for this shot. You look absolutely fierce and dangerous now!... Oh and you holding the fish, you look good, too."

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Happy The Littlest Bunny

Oof. A bad movie is one thing. A bad children's movie that tries to teach you a lesson is an entirely new ball of suck. And after watching this cheaply-animated romp through lesson-land, I'm not even sure exactly what the moral of it all is.







The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Happy: It isn't fair mama! I eat my turnips every day, And still I'm the littlest bunny in the woods!

Mama Bunny: Now, Happy. There's more to life than being a big bunny.

Happy: Like what?

Mama Bunny: Well, like being honest, and having a big heart. If you keep your heart full of love and kindness, it doesn't matter what size your body is. You will be bigger than all the rest.

Happy: It will?

Mama Bunny: In a very special way, yes.

Happy: But, Mosey and Patch– they're always teasing me. I hate being teased.

Mama Bunny: I know, dear. But if you don't react to their teasing, then you'll be bigger than either of them, in spirit.

Happy: I'd rather be bigger than them in body.

Mama Bunny: Sometimes growth happens on the inside before it happens on the outside, Happy.

Happy: Being a littlest bunny stinks! My whole life stinks!

Mama Bunny: (shocked) Happy!

Happy: Well, it does! I'm always being picked on! And not just my brothers, either. Everybody on the woods is picking on me, just 'cause I'm so small!

Mama Bunny: Chicky doesn't pick on you.

Happy: Mama! Chicky is a chipmunk! He's just about the only animal in the woods that isn't bigger than me!

Mama Bunny: Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Happy?

Happy: Figure out a way to change me from the littlest bunny into the biggest bunny.

(Mama Bunny shakes her head)


















The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Farmer Bellows: There! Maybe if I leave you some food, you'll stop raiding my garden.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: Tell your friends I'll bring fresh vegetables out here for all of you every day until the harvest is over.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: And on until winter, too. Well, eat well, my little friends, eat well.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

(Farmer Bellows leaves the garden. The bunnies still don't react. Because they're bunnies for crying out loud.)






The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Mama: You are going to have some very serious consequences to your actions, young bunny.

"Scrappy": Yes ma'am, I kind of figured as much.

Mama: Good. You and Chicky will have to pay back the field mice every morsel you stole from them, and then some.


"Scrappy": Yes ma'am. We will.

Mama: And you're going to have to stop stealing from Farmer Bellow's garden.


"Scrappy": I will, don't worry. And I'll make sure nobody steals from him, either. Even if I have to stand guard myself!

Mama: Good. And I think you owe your brothers a big apology.

"Scrappy": Yes, ma'am, I sure do.


"Scrappy": I'm sorry, Patch. sorry, Moosie.


Moosie: Ah, that's okay, Scrappy. If it wasn't for me and Moosie teasing you all the time, this wouldn't ever happened.

Mama: I certainly hope you learned something about being big, Scrappy Rabbit.


"Scrappy": Oh, I did, Mama, I did. There's just one thing.

Mama: What is it?


"Scrappy": I don't want to be Scrappy Rabbit anymore. Will you start calling me Happy Rabbit again?

Mama: Well, well. It looks like the littlest bunny is finally growing up.

(Scooby and the gang then burst out in laughter)



So Happy's brothers were never in any danger. In fact, their vandalizing Farmer Bellow's garden prompted him to start sharing more with the animals. So what was the lesson to learn from all this? That becoming a violent asshole will make you a big shot, and eventually it will get you into trouble but that will somehow fix itself and reward everyone around you, so it was all worth it. Kind of like the end result of "Shaft."