Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Netflix introduced new shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• The Property Brothers Make Out

• Paw Patrol: Special Victims Unit

• Love It, List It, or Shred Everything You Own?

• Pitch Perfect: The Laryngitis Years

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Murder She Rapped

• How I Met Your Uncle's Second Wife's Daughter

• The Laura Ingraham Two Minutes of Hate

•  Dora the Internet Explorer

“Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion To One's Pathmark.”

UAG

A New Entry To A Very Old Bit

Pictured below, the Way Older, Bald, Mustachoed Version of Scott Peterson

Welcome, W.O.B.M.V.O.S.P.!

More Stupid Conspiracy Theories For Alex Jones's Stupid Listeners

By now, we should all know that Alex Jones's "Info Wars" is scripted. How else could he spout so many nonsensical, byzantine explanations to fit a far-right, bigoted, pigheaded narrative every day like that? Here are the latest conspiracy stories the writers are working on:

• How SNL is a subliminal recruiting tool for pedophile veterinarians

• Rest stop or rest area? How the homosexual Underground Railroad tells the two apart.

• Toll booth EZ-Pass: a cashless road to Hell

• The real reason the bouncer at the strip club won't let you touch Candy: He fancies you.

• January 6, 2001: How the U.S. Capitol Attack separated the pussies from the patriots

• How Beaker is actually Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's adopted son but has never found out.

 

UAG

Spotted in the Target Checkout Line

Pictured below: Stuff Old Ladies Like

Waseem Questions

I took a Lyft the other day and the driver apparently has a vanity plate. SWEET!

But this raised a few questions:

1) Assuming there's a "WASEEM1", is Waseem doing so well driving a Lyft that he now owns a SECOND car? Like he has a Waseem fleet in his driveway?

2) Or maybe he's not the only Waseem in the area and had to settle for "WASEEM2" because "WASEEM" was already taken?

3) Or maybe Waseem is such a solid guy that he chose "WASEEM2" just in case another Waseem in the area could snag a sweet "WASEEM1" vanity plate at the DMV?

4) Waseem to have run out of possibilities and don't really have a fourth question. WASEEM!

What Your School Picture Green Screen Background Choice Says About You

It's picture time at school again. And this year, for only $5, you can digitally add a beautiful and exciting background to your school portrait! Failing that, you can choose one of these five. Here's what these background choices say about you as a person:

A) Greenery and concrete: You will do so poorly in school that you'll end up living under a bridge near the woods.

B) Vegas strip lights: Your future job: prostitute

C) Hazy woods: They will never find your body no matter how many times they comb the area.

D) Purple blurry background: Someone slipped you a mickey and your friends left already.

E) Boring, safe painted background: You are boring.

"Fear Is The Pathmark To the Dark Side. Fear Leads To Anger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Suffering."

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The cute Akita with TWO flea collars

Me: The dark but mysterious Borzoi

You saw me watching you, Akita. Let's get it on next time. Catcha later!

You: The shaggy Newfoundland with the rubber bone (LOL!)

Me: The mixed Lab/Collie with the one blue eye

I felt a connection between us when we shared the water bowl. Do you like Milkbones?

You: The Shetland Sheepdog

Me: The unmissably loud Westie

Hi! My name is Walter! I bark like this all the time! SEE YOU LATER DUDE!

You: The two pissy Bloodhounds

Me: The Boxer with the runs

You two dudes seemed to pee everywhere like you owned the place. That was awesome! Let's hang out!

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Shine Laminate Floors

Clean and maintain your laminate floors if you want to extend their life and keep our home looking great. Here are some handy steps on how to keep them shiny:

1. Sweep and vacuum the floors. Use a microfiber mop or a soft broom to sweep the debris out of the room.
2. Prepare a laminate-formulated floor cleaner.
3. Spray a thin layer onto your floor.
4. Mop the floor.
5. Air-dry the room.
6. Buff any additional dull spots.

And speaking of dull spots, I can't tell you how many times I've driven a couple who were excited to be riding in a limo but just ran out of things to talk about and the date fell flat. Guys, you have to try harder to engage your dates! Ladies, do your part to keep the conversation going! Be safe, kids!

Here Are The Latest Successfully Funded Kickstarter Projects

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of small businesses get off the ground through the magic of crowdfunding. Here now are the latest projects that have successfully received enough funding:

• Pogs made from Naan bread

• Feet for pajamas without feet so that they're pajamas with feet 

• Piñatas in the shape of those motherfuckers at "Shark Tank" that didn't fund your last business idea

• A women's magazine that's written in the voice of your last scuzzy boyfriend

• A radical drink holder for skateboarders

• A yoga book that shows people putting off yoga class for another week

• Sarcastic stop signs

Dunder Mifflin Be Hustlin'

Spotted on FB, Kevin and Angela peddle graph paper. GRAPH PAPER.

So I can only imagine now that there are architects, scientists, and math teachers who not only need graph paper but are familiar with "The Office". There's probably a Venn diagram I could make about it. Too bad it doesn't require GRAPH PAPER.

Some New Movie Ideas Based On Subway Sandwich Names

Having used up every last comic book source material for a blockbuster movie script, the script writers of all the major studios have turned to the next logical resource: the menu at Subway. Here now are the latest greenlit projects movie fans can look forward to next year:

The Philly, The Outlaw, and The Monster

This hardboiled trilogy directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon begins a desperate young burglar (Keke Palmer) in Philadelphia who joins forces with a crime boss (Tyler Perry) to take down a serial killer (Kevin Bacon) who's been targeting criminals.

"Supreme Meats" starring Billy Eichner and Mos Def

This musical comedy follows two employees at Tyson Foods who quit their job to make music in a nearby warehouse, much to the chagrin of their former boss (Eva Longoria).

"The Great Garlic" produced by Robert Zemeckis

This CG animated adventure takes place entirely in the pantry of a food vlogger features the voice talents of T.I., Rebel Wilson, Anna Faris, Steve Carell, and Michael B. Jordan. Also featuring Florence Pugh as the voice of Balsamic Vinegar.

"Turkey Cali Club" starring Jonah Hill, Jurnee Smollett, Jay Pharaoh and Pete Davidson

The Long Beach dance club scene gets a much needed boost when some young entrepreneurs buy every club on Pine Avenue to form one giant club. Tim Heidecker plays the police officer responding to a noise complaint every fifteen minutes.

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

 Every so often, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to the streaming service this month:

• Prescription Road Show: How Much Is This Stolen Medicine Worth?

• Documentary: SKORTS: A Cultural Touchstone

• Fresh Prince From Bel Air Reboot Reboot

• Paul Giamatti Does Dramatic Readings of Safe Meat Handling Brochures

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Lord of the Rings: Fellowship Of the No Wait It's a Game of Thrones Show

• Alternative Sopranos Series Where Tony Runs a Successful Dry Cleaners Business

• Succession/Billions Crossover Event

• Problematic Looney Tunes Cartoons From Back When They Were Funny

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"No, I'm not Aquaman in this one."

"Stop swimming away from me, Josh! I love you because your MY SON, dammit!"

"Nope. I'm not Aquaman in this, either. Sorry."

"Are we gonna just stand here or are we gonna start shoo..."

*Gets shot*

*Incoherent mumbling followed by sudden, high-pitched shouting.*

"Oh Dad!"

The uncles were pissed that someone used all the razors to shave their legs.

"See, this is precisely why I avoid Times Square. It's only full of tourists and easy children's clue quests."

Drink Carrier Was Cranky

Drink Carrier was cranky.

Target Rack ignored him.

"I am zee French door, non?"

Paper Towel Ghost tried to escape.

Change Fees, Umbrellas, and Substandard Anal Sex Lube. Let's Say Goodbye To Them All!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

The ProofrEADJer: Total Beginning of August Edition