Spotted in the Target Checkout Line

Pictured below: Stuff Old Ladies Like

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 18: "My Christmas Grandpa" Starring Bill Cobbs and Vivica A. Fox

Kids in these movies are annoyingly selfless when it comes to their Christmas wish. They always wish their parents would get along or that their quirky aunt would find someone special. Which is bullshit because real life kids would step over their grandmother for a new drone or Hatchimals. In this short film from Lifetime, a young girl turns her back on the entire toy industry–and all the people who depend on toy sales to feed their families–and wishes for something abstract. Can you even imagine? How selfish.

Plot summary: "The cashier at a small market is a grouchy man who never has a smile for anyone; but when a little girl asks for a Grandpa for Christmas and chooses him, he is completely transformed by the child’s love and compassion."

Romance Factor: N/A

Christmas Cheer: 9

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: N/A (gross, dude!)

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness: Purp & Big Butt Edition

Who needs height to win the NBA Finals when you have grape Kool-Aid and $60?

DJ Power is apparently on every social media platform. Too bad he considers the Beebs "hip hop."

So confused.

This is so stupid that it's semi-perfect. Keep as is.

Raheem Dixon. Interplanetary real estate agent.

Imagine being so dope that you can balance a clip art drawing of a train on your dick.

That's not a peace sign. He's spreading that poor miniature woman's ass cheeks apart.

I'm no Sith, but I'm pretty sure you don't hold a lightsaber like a baseball bat, with the blade so close to your head.

I'm not sure who superimposed clipart art wings on either side of these girls' asses, but it was a poetic touch.

The poor tattoo artist who had to spend 15+ hours inking dumb smudges on that girl's enormous butt.

It's smart to put that many production company logos at the bottom, because then Disney won't know who to start suing.

SNAKES CAN SLITHER WHERE THE FUCK THEY WANT WHEN JUNGLE TAKES OVER

The streetwise light blue M&M as voiced by Paul Wall.

Pretty impressive to write your last name just by blowing your nose.

P is for Purp. That's good enough for... ah fuck.

Your P.O.I.S. will be downgraded to P.O.S. when your state votes that medical marijuana, when properly distributed at licensed dispensaries, is no longer an illegal substance.

The outskirts of town is a terrible place to push your broken nose back into place.

Yes, This is Somehow the Sixth Off-Brand T.P. Roundup.

Skyline Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Downside:
Treats the ass like a number.


Daisy Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
Downside:
As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."


Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Downside:
Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.


Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier Hygiénique (submitted by Larry K)


Notable Features:
• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
Downside:
There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.


Livi Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• FULL EMBOSS
• Fun to pronounce name
Downside:
Shows no mercy.


Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.


Notable Features:
• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of The Simpsons' opening credits
Downside:
There's no contact information in case you want to sue.


Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue


Notable Features:
• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions
Downside:
Blows.


Mor-Soft MS500


Notable Features:
• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Downside:
Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.


Marcal Sunrise



Notable Features:
• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint
Downside:
MOTHERFUCK, SOMEBODY GRAB ME A LINTROLLER.


Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
Downside:
When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.


Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Downside:
Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.


LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
Downside:
I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."

To further add to the confusion, here is a video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).