Upcoming Exhibits at Next Month's CES

The Consumer Electronics Show opens next month in Amarillo, TX. Here are the newest exhibitors and exciting products scheduled to appear:

• a poker card shuffler powered by hope

• an easy to operate remote control for older people who think the fireplace is the TV

• DIGITAL SPANX

• Actor David Boreanaz announces the BOREANAZ-TV, a 4K OLED television designed to stream exclusive David Boreanaz-related content and news 24 hours a day

• an electronic window washer that will electronically watch you bathe

• a new Ring doorbell that will shoot tranquilizer darts at porch pirates

New Product Announcements at This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) took place this week in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and many of the world's leading electronics companies attended to show off their latest gadgets and technology. Here are some of the highlights:

• A Roomba doing tricks on a Lazy Susan for no reason

• Dyson's new $1200 bladeless back shaver

• Sunbeam's helium-filled blanket that floats away when you're asleep

• A TV for your elderly parents that changes to hardcore porn whenever they try to watch Fox News

• New QR codes that don't work

• A USB-powered USB charger

• The EXO soy sauce dispensing drone

• A carbon monoxide detector that doesn't notify you if it looks like you're busy

The ProofrEADJer: Total Beginning of August Edition

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers

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To: ALLCOMPANY

From: jkas@frumundaindustries.net

Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:

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574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

Path Mark Us, Everyone!

Spotted At Target

If you're playing this shit in "real life," then you don't have one.

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that electrical appliances still draw electricity when they are turned off but plugged in? You did? Oh. Well, aren't you smart, then. Sorry we didn't bring you any information there- we didn't realize we were talking to a genius in the room. Sheez.

Oh no, don't apologize. We don't deserve your apologies. We're sorry we wasted your precious genius time with worthless information. We were trying to be helpful and spread information about conserving energy, but clearly we're lowly, inconsiderate assholes for taking you away from mapping the human genome or fixing the economy or whatever it is you geniuses do. Fuck us.

Hey, how about this. How about we run whatever new electricity conservation information we have by a panel of Jeopardy champions and TED talk speakers, and if none of them have heard those facts before, we'll knock on the Mensa Headquarters where you obviously live and present it to you then. How about that, Chief?

Us? Sarcastic? Where did you get that idea?

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition

And spotted at a roach coach on 48th and Lex:

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

Apparently taxes aren't the only thing troubling The Old Bridge Deli. One morning last week, I strolled in there, and people were milling about in total darkness.




That was last week. As of today, the damn place is still closed. The city must friggin' hate that place.

The More Things Joel, The More Things Eat a Dick.

Joel's collection of Bratz dolls has increased sevenfold.

McDonald's new Happy Meals have seven different Bratz Big Babyz, including "Mermaidz" versions of Cloe, Jade, Sasha, and Yasmin. Add these to Joel's recent eBay score of six mint-in-box Bratz Babyz Ponyz, and you can definitely say that Joel's collection is the finest Bratz collection in all of his apartment complex.

Joel celebrated by cranking his CD of Bratz Rock Angelz on his mini system and eating a huge Spanish dick with salsa, refried beans, and a virgin margarita.

(pictured above, Jessica can barely contain her enthusiasm over the new hanging lights in the Cafe Kriv)