New EADJ Segment: Imagined Backstory

We're going to try something new today: "Imagined Backstory", where we find something out in the world and meticulously and meaninglessly create lore behind it.

Today we have a sign hanging on the shopping cart corral at the local Lowe's:

Who are these people? What's their story? Well, obviously, it's Nicole and Brandon from two towns over. You met them a few months ago at the East Orange Farmer's Market at their homemade honey tent, remember? Nicole sold you a jar of their "Raw Tupelo Honey" and invited you to a barbecue they were throwing after their boys were finished with baseball playoffs, and you ACCEPTED and gave them your number. So now Nicole has been texting and calling you for days wondering if you were going to make it Saturday and also bring your roommates although you don't remember mentioning them. Brandon has been gotten really good at smoking baby back ribs and of course WITH HONEY, LOL. Also, the barbecue is cocktail casual, so wear whatever, but know that the mayor is coming! Why won't you pick up?

(Tragically, they also resemble Lauren Boebert and Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio.)

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the light colored Border Terrier 

Me: the mixed Boxer with the WWE harness

Wassup. You had the zoomies so we didn't get to talk, but you seemed pretty cool and maybe would be down for smoking weed with me sometime?

You: the aggressive Basset Hound 

Me: the Lhasa Apso  

You were extremely rude to everyone with your chew toy, not sharing it and generally being an ass. Who do you think you are? And who even brings their own toy to a dog park? Dick.

You: the Borzoi named Dixon

Me: the hung Beagle

You sniffed my penis. I smelled your butthole. Call me?

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"No, I'm not Aquaman in this one."

"Stop swimming away from me, Josh! I love you because your MY SON, dammit!"

"Nope. I'm not Aquaman in this, either. Sorry."

"Are we gonna just stand here or are we gonna start shoo..."

*Gets shot*

*Incoherent mumbling followed by sudden, high-pitched shouting.*

"Oh Dad!"

The uncles were pissed that someone used all the razors to shave their legs.

"See, this is precisely why I avoid Times Square. It's only full of tourists and easy children's clue quests."

Dear Hollywood:

Can we lay off of the neon movie posters for a while? My rods and cones are burning. And two of these are your doing, Taika Waititi!

UAG

More Available But Godawful Porn Names

If you want to become a porn star, you'll need two things: working sexual organs and a porn alias. We can't help you with the first thing, but here are some unclaimed (but terrible) porn names that you can use. Go "nuts":

Him

Z. Roe Fuchs

Bubblicious Cum

Murder He Scrote

Rob I. Tussin

Jackoff Lantern

Chip Offtheoldcock

Her

Syphilis Diller

Tami Flu

Shemale Attachment

Kaycee Masterpiece

Fentanyl

Malala Youfuckmai

The ProofrEADJer: July Edition

And this pretty one I found by the side of the road, which I promptly stole and recycled. Go green!

Maybe A Little Obsessive.

I spotted in a recent issue of "Fantastic Man" magazine, one of those M&M ads that turns celebrities into creepy edible versions of themselves.


I noticed his signature, and it got me wondering if the DVD he gave me a long time ago was really signed by him or by some PA flunkie.


So a quick check verified the arrogantly ambitious "M," the overcomplicated "B" and the plot-be-damned "Y" flourish. It's a match!


Yay, I can now forge trillion dollar checks at the Check Cashing place on 9th Street.

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

Pizza Burger Responds To Yesterday's Open Letter

Dear EADJ,

Thanks for the letter. I'm glad you finally came around to explaining why you've been so distant for so long. I had a feeling you weren't into it anymore, so it comes as no surprise, really.

But what did surprise me was the hostility you suddenly seemed to have toward me in your letter. "Tarted up like a pizza?" "Abuse your intestines?" I don't know how I got to deserve such cruel words.

Look, you may not get it, but I am what I am. I am a pizza burger. I'm not trying to be no pizza, and I sure as hell ain't trying to just be a plain ol' burger. I'm actually neither, and more– I got pepperonis, onions, green peppers, baby. Kind of like those transvestites like Rupaul– more fabulous than a woman or a man. And if you can't deal with that, whatevers.


The fact is, I am a big favorite on many, many menus. I'm a headliner at Big Nick's in New York City. I've made several appearances on the TNT hit drama "Trust Me." Heck, even the Food Network has posted a Barack Obama Pizza Burger recipe. Try telling me that's not acceptance, not mainstream!


So I think it's all YOUR problem, Papi. You can't deal with the type of burger I am! You don't even want to step to this! I am proud of my heritage, but I will not let you nor anyone hold me back from being what I am! I've got plenty of friends to back me up, like The Snorks, so I don't need you to try to put me in one of your little category boxes! (Fact is, The Snorks have been very supportive of me throughout my career, unlike you.) And if I ever gave you gas, it's only because your weak-ass intestines couldn't handle me! Cry me a river, Mister Poopy Pants.


So just go on with your old fashioned, close-minded self, and I will continue to do my thing. Just leave me out of your stupid dick eating blog and try to stay out of my shadow.

Pizza Burger out!

Pizza Burger