What Your School Picture Green Screen Background Choice Says About You

It's picture time at school again. And this year, for only $5, you can digitally add a beautiful and exciting background to your school portrait! Failing that, you can choose one of these five. Here's what these background choices say about you as a person:

A) Greenery and concrete: You will do so poorly in school that you'll end up living under a bridge near the woods.

B) Vegas strip lights: Your future job: prostitute

C) Hazy woods: They will never find your body no matter how many times they comb the area.

D) Purple blurry background: Someone slipped you a mickey and your friends left already.

E) Boring, safe painted background: You are boring.

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

Exit Sign Played A Song From His Homeland

Exit Sign played a song from his homeland.


Melting Snow enjoyed it.


And so did Basketball Goal.


Winter Coat Sleeve was, frankly, shocked.


Knife Ad was also mortified.


Fire Department Connection was unmoved.


Neither end of the iPod cord knew what to think.


Two Luggage Wheels heckled from the back.


Brick Entrance was shocked.


Backseat Radio couldn't wait to tell everyone.


Grey Roller kept his mouth shut.


Faucet quacked their disapproval.


Eventually, by the fourth song, Fire Department Connection was moved to tears.

Smecial Dreams Entry: Jessica II

"Talk about weird dreams. This one takes the cake. Last night I had a dream that Larry and I were concepting in this nice condo. He decided to start an adirondack chair on fire. I finally put it out, and he did nothing. It then made the floor collapse into the other condo. So then Larry and I are in the other condo looking up at the ceiling... Rick Haman (sic) comes in and yells at me and then Melissa Grein shows up. So weird."

-Jessica Foster


Totally weird. Like why would an art buyer show up when you're still concepting?

OWN the RELATIONSHIP!

Blean Blablohen gives a pep talk to Sergio and whoever else is still listening.