Change Fees, Umbrellas, and Substandard Anal Sex Lube. Let's Say Goodbye To Them All!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Here Are Your Timesheets For January 2018

Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.

And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:

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240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands

910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick

083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club

992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge

710299: Coming

032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices

882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend

632830: Twirling your pasties

353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)

593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski

400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way

810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Shitty President Edition

Our current president tweets a whole heck of a lot. But he doesn't often use hashtags, and if he did, he would very much NOT use the following hashtags. So go ahead and use them for your own 5am Twitter rants:

#love

#yogaclass

#diplomacy

#sharingcredit

#selfreflection

#Icouldbewrong

#bookoftheweek

#sorrykaepernick

#personalresponsibility

#reachingouttothelessfortunate

#IhavenoideawhatI'mdoingandIshouldstepdownbeforeIcausemoreirreparabledamagetothiscountry