Happy Halloween from Eat A Dick Joel

We hope everyone has a spooky and safe Halloween filled with frights, candy and Party City returns.

Yet Even More Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Card

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Here Are Your Timesheets For Oct 29, 2018

Hello this Esmerelda from clean your office.

CEO Bailey tell me to remind everyone to put trash cans out from under desk so I and Maria can empty them. Also I spose to tell you do time sheet or else nobody get pay. Is important he say.

Here are job number:

535015: Knocking on George McFly's forehead

190130: Holding redacted documents to the light to read what's crossed out

772942: Trying to find the dollar symbol to type "KE$HA"

621222: Feeding the trolls

375885: Making enough of the "jack off" sign so Robert can see but Bailey can't

001237: Looking up "Enuff Z'nuff" on Wikipedia to educate yourself

463464: Spooning with a boner

711713: Returning these goddamn Zappo shoes to goddamn Zappo a third goddamn time because they still don't goddamn fit

228144: Sticking a plunger down your plunging neckline

Yet More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Where's Josh?" "He's gone."

"Then where's Donnie?" "He left, too."

"Gordon?" "Gone."

"Well, shit."

"Any chance we could talk you out of this with a Target gift card?"

"Aw dude, and you say you've been flossing? I don't believe you."

"That's my girl, dog." "I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!"

"Help!"

"You wanna be equalized? Cuz I got an idea– you're sitting there nursing a gunshot wound to the side, but over here I don't. So how about I do this..." *shoots self in the side* "AUGGHHHH... see... now both of us are shot, see? Now we're equals, tough guy.  You like that?"

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain How To Create Tabs In Microsoft Word

Aggh... First, you have to set tabs in the... shit... Tabs dialog box. You can set tabs by... *huff* using the Tabs... wait, wait, wait... dialog box. *gasp* By using the Tabs dialog box... AHHH!... you get more precise tab positions–oh Jesus– and also can *wheeze* insert a... FUCK!... specific character *choke* (leader) before the tab. Gimme a second... Now on the Home tab, in the Paragraph group... blacking...out...click the Paragraph dialog box launcher, and then click Tabs. That's it! *dies*

The ProofrEADJer: Late October Edition

"Dungenuss"

A Mini Smecial Dreams Entry

Fiverr Deliverrs Againn!

This time, I hired the skills of user genious_studio to create an LP cover mockup for $5. Here's what he came up with.

I like the twerking one a little better. Because the balls are implied by the shape of the sexy ass.

More Fake, Awful Taglines For a Real, Awful Movie

We're doing our part to keep "Avalanche Sharks" in the public consciousness.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains The San Antonio Spurs's Zip Trick Back Play

The San Antonio Spurs's offensive playbook is full of ways to overcome tight defense and find a way to move the rock and take advantage of the team's energy and athleticism. One of the tricks in their impressive arsenal is the "zip trick" playbook. Here now is an example of how one of their key offensive strategies, the "zip trick back", works: 

1) The 2 zipper cuts off 5 while 1 runs off the baseline triple

2) 3 cuts out the back off 5 while 2 passes to him for a jumpshot

And speaking of jumpsuits, when riding in the back of one of my limos, please don't throw your fast food wrappers or cups into the wastebasket near the partition. You'd be surprised how many times I've been splattered by cola or Big Mac special sauce while driving. Yuck!

Stay safe, kids!

Another Fiverr Delivery/ Lazy EADJ Post!

I threw 5 bucks at this Fiverr writer cjerabek who promised to write a blog entry "from a Colorado cabin". And just this morning she sent her completed entry. Here it is in its entirety:

I live in a small mountain village in Colorado, just a hop, skip, and a jump from Telluride.

If you are thinking about moving to a small town, here are some things to consider beforehand:

You know you live in a small town when people at the post office know your business before you do. If you forget how you voted or what you did at the party last week, just ask...they’ll tell you.  Heck, they’ve already told half the town anyway.

When your community has a population of less than 500 people, like mine does, you’ll learn a lot about the word “the”.  You have “the Post Master”, “the grocery store manager”, “the black guy”, and “the thug”.  There are places to go too, like “the diner”, “the store”, and “the gas station”.  The word “the” drives home the point that a small town is lucky just to have one of anything.

At the vet, you are known by your pet such as “the guy with the German Shephard” or “the crazy lady with the cats”.  At the Post Office, they know you by your post office box number.  By the way, in small rural towns, there is no mail delivery so everyone has a mail box at the Post Office.

In a small town, the Post Office is like the watercooler at the office.  That’s where you find out who died, who’s sleeping with who, and everything else you never wanted to know.  Since there’s nothing else to do, you listen to all the town gossip and add to it as well.

There’s nothing much to do in a small town except cruise up and down the one mile of Main Street.  Going out on the town takes a total of nine minutes.  

You’ve probably heard small town jokes like “This place is so small, you have to go out of town to change your mind.” Or, “This town is so small, the city limits signs are both on the same posts”.  The problem with small town jokes, though, is that...they are all true!

If you are thinking about moving to a small town, you might want to think twice.  But, if you don’t mind the phone book being just one page or McDonald’s having just one arch, a small town might be just the place for you.


--------------------

And that's it. Five bucks for what looks like a boilerplate entry about living in a small town. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's not like she would've written about the new Spider-Man Playstation 4 game from a cabin. Or about dicks or Joel eating dicks. Okay, fine. Delivered exactly as advertised.

Bye bye, five dollars!

Fiverr Screamer DELIVERS!

Still reeling from the disappointment of Fiverr user Foswaldo's rejection of my request to write an EADJ blog post, I used my credits to order a death metal logo and I even hired this gentleman to scream the lyrics "EAT A DICK JOEL" for 5 bucks. And guess what? He delivered this morning!

Here is him screaming "EAT A DICK JOEL". At least I think it is.

And here is the song I had him scream over. His vocals being at 2:02



And just for yuks, I got him to scream "THANKS FOR NOTHING, FOSWALDO" over a music track of my choice:



HOLY SHIT I LOVE FIVERR NOW 😀😀😀😀

And Fiverr user ethansmith_ is a great guy. Thank you!

A Truly Awful Promotional Email

I'm on an email list for a rep who finds freelance jobs for designers and creatives. Here is his latest one:

It's hard to break down what's so awful and groan-worthy about this email when you don't even know where to start.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"I choose to invest in tricking my car out rather than make any necessary home improvements! Fuck you!"

Nothing more street than a branded mobile charger.

Some people don't care about lumbar support.

This is what racist conservatives imagined Washington looked like from 2008-2016.

Oh, don't even act like you're taken by surprise, Iggy. Every waking moment of every day is spent trying to get everyone's attention.

What rich hobos look like.

ZERO EFFORT!

I thought this was just a gag on the cover, but yep, this entire mixtape is Justina Valentine rapping over Eminem instrumental with "she-centric" alternate lyrics. WHY?

Probably the most subtle R&B mixtape cover of all time.

"Help! Police! Someone is CLONING OUT MY ASS!"

UAG

The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: Next Steps

So Fiverr refunded me the $110 since whatshername refused to provide a service that I paid for (grrrrr). Well, actually, no. They didn't refund me so much as give me a CREDIT to use for other Fiverr services. And the good news was, there are a lot of cheaper options, so I can hire a bunch of them!

Sweet! So I pulled the trigger on the Colorado cabin writer (????) for a five-spot, and then I hired this dude:

I hired him to make a death metal logo that says EAT A DICK JOEL!

And you know what? This gent promptly wrote me back, asking me to name death metal band logos I like for reference so he can get started! Ain't that a peach? So I sent him these three:

Those logos say "Defeated Sanity," "Gurglectomy" and "Heathen Hammer," but you probably already knew that. Boy, my mood on this Fiverr Experiment got a lot better since Mrs. "I Will Write For Your Blog". Things are looking up! *Walks away whistling*