Happy Halloween From EADJ

 EADJ hopes you have a fun and safe Halloween.

• ask a parent to check all apples for razor blades BEFORE throwing them at the house that gave you fruit for Trick or Treat

• check all furry costumes for ticks afterwards

• any candy corn that gets stuck in someone's nostril is par for the course with this family

• if Three Musketeers bars start tasting good to you, that's only because your tastes have gotten worse

• Guess what I'm dressed as. Guess. No, not that. Guess again.

• drive drunk safely since there are kids on the streets tonight

Spotted at Walgreens

Some mixed signals from the big W:

Happy Halloween From All of Us at EADJ

We hope you have a great time taking your smaller kids trick or treating at 2pm when it's still light out and another great time giving candy out to teenagers from one town over trick or treating without costumes at 1am.

EADJ Wishes You A Happy Halloween!

We at the offices of Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you a spooky and safe Halloween today. Please look for traffic on both sides before crossing the street, and whatever you do, AVOID 158 OAK STREET. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED 5 YEARS AGO AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR STOMACH PUMPED LIKE THAT AGAIN. Be careful!

Happy All Hallows Eve From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ wish you the Happiest of Halloweens, hoping you get all full-sized, brand name candy bars and zero grandma candy. Be safe out there, children!

Happy Halloween from Eat A Dick Joel

We hope everyone has a spooky and safe Halloween filled with frights, candy and Party City returns.

It's Time Once Again To Play: Which Can, Erickson?

Match the following unidentified toilets to their respective locations, indicated by defunct candy bars:

Cadbury Aztec: Schlesinger Associates Marketing Research, Houston, TX

Absotively Nutty: Brasserie by Niche, St. Louis, MO

Clark Reggie!: Barclays Center, Brooklyn, NY

Summit: Terroni, Toronto BC, Canada

Abba-Zaba: Company Production Offices, Los Angeles, CA

Caravelle: Golden Cantonese Seafood and Dim Sum Restaurant, Dunellen, NJ

The answers in 24 hours!

From The New Jersey Department of Children and Families

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)