Gettin Paid in 2025

Pictured below, former meme guy from 2010 parlays his internet fame into a suitable endorsement deal.

 

Get that bag, Antoine!

It's 2019 and We're Still Writing Taglines For a Dumb 2014 Movie

A Truly Awful Promotional Email

I'm on an email list for a rep who finds freelance jobs for designers and creatives. Here is his latest one:

It's hard to break down what's so awful and groan-worthy about this email when you don't even know where to start.

The 2017 NJ Transit Survey Flyer and The Current Administration: A Correlation

So it's no secret that the country sucks now that whatshisname is in office. I guess it's only par for the course now that the survey flyer for the NJ Transit this year sucks just as badly. Check out this turd:

Yes, long gone are our 6 stiffly posed friends from years ago, only to be replaced by a new set of 5 stiffly posed strangers from what looks like a royalty free stock company. Strangely, the only surviving element has always been the "Customer Satisfaction Survey" sunburst.

I'm guessing the orange isn't an accident. The diversity is surprising, though. I'm not even going to dignify this year's entry with a thorough review or pretend backstories for the people in the picture. Because THIS IS ALL STEVE BANNON'S FAULT.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo Models: Now as Nintendo Miis!

I wonder if the models for this stupid photo ever imagined that their likenesses would be immortalized as Miis on an obscure blog about Joel eating dicks. Probably.

"JESSE"

"JESS"

"ANGIE"

"TRINA"

"DON WITH THE THUMBS"

"SIMON PETER"

THIS BLOG IS A HUGE WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME THANK YOU

The Triumphant Return of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Yesterday, New Jersey Transit train cars were littered festooned with brochures announcing this year's NJ Transit Survey.

Looks like they've kept the iconic awkward photo from last year. So fans of that photo will be relieved that the visual essence of this pamphlet won't change.

One of you might wonder, how is the new survey brochure different from the previous survey brochure? Well, we'll tell you:

1) Changed starburst from eye-catching orange to camouflage-y white

2) Added ginormous block lettering

3) Added racing stripes (courtesy of West Coast Customs)

4) Either by accident or by design, the "O" in "OF" now circles the pointing hand 

5) Changed headline to 8 OUT OF 10 CUSTOMERS RECOMMEND US! headline, thus skewing the whole idea of an impartial survey

6) Changed background color from a vibrant blue to a depressed bruise purple

7) Retained stupid illegible font in URL

8) Retained godawful shit-strip of logos at the bottom

Also, inspired by the recent release of The LEGO Movie, New Jersey Transit recently announced that they are partnering with the Weinstein Company to start filming the New Jersey Transit Movie next year and have just announced the cast, which if you ask me is pretty darn spot-on:

The film is to be released early summer of 2038.

A Disturbing Hobby Store Find

Plastic model kit company Moebius offers not only expensive and highly detailed licensed monster kits but also your more basic, generic cheapo sets. 

These "Monster Scenes" are old school throwback scenes complete with mad scientists and torture devices. Harmless fun, right? Right.

They also, however, offer The Victim, a generic damsel in Daisy Dukes who can either be shown running away from a lurching monster or be tortured by the The Pendulum or The Hanging Cage or The Pain Parlor. I guess this is for children who can't steal their sister's Barbies.

If you're a budding serial killer, no assembly necessary. Just steal some ketchup packets from Hardee's and you're golden.

 Only "1 frightened expression?" I guess the bored or annoyed expressions weren't selling as well.



Here are some alternate, less violent scenarios for the Victim:

• accusing the valet of dinging her 1998 RAV4

• telling the manager that she's getting bad service after not getting the check for 6 minutes
• complaining to the admissions officer that she got waitlisted because she's Hispanic
• saying the power company is singling her out although it's clear her entire block is without service
• not shredding her credit card junk mail and being surprised that someone stole her identity
• saying the press won't stop harping about how bad a mother she's been to Lindsay Lohan
• bitching about how "The Dark Knight Rises" isn't entirely in the IMAX format
• loudly sighing about having a middle seat on the plane even though she booked the ticket late
• insisting that any assault weapon control legislation is automatically infringing on HER rights
• feeling betrayed by George Lucas
• blaming her fat thighs on her incompetent Zumba instructor
• saying her boyfriend cheating on her isn't the same as her cheating on her boyfriend because she had more "emotional" reasons
• attributing her racism to her racist grandfather who never lived with her
• bitching about H&M's return policy requiring a receipt

The Joel Angel Project: Nonupdate

An anonymous EADJ reader left a comment on yesterday's post, wondering where a second magic trick from Joel will be posted, seeing how it's almost the end of the year, and the last time Joel posted a trick was on January 24.

Well, dear reader, your guess is as good as mine. Although we averted the Mayan end of the world, we are all nearing the deadline for the government's "fiscal cliff" discussions and EADJ's Joel Angel Project. Hopefully President Obama and the Congressional Republicans can come to the agreement that Joel needs to post another goddamned magic trick posthaste, since we're only days away from disaster.