O Solo Pathmark

Dear Ice Cream and Pizza:

STAY IN YOUR LANE. Nobody wants ice cream served up like pizza, and no one wants pizza served up like ice cream. Or pizza flavored ice cream, or ice cream flavored pizza, or any iteration of any of that shit. Ice cream rules. Pizza rules. DON'T MIX THE TWO THINGS BECAUSE THAT WILL SUCK.

No, random dude from Episode 2 of Ms. Marvel. I'm serious.

CUT IT OUT, ICE CREAM AND PIZZA.

Some More Terrible But Available Porn Names

Welcome to the porn industry! You probably have a lot of questions but we need to take care of a couple things first. First of all, before we get you fluffed, you'll need to pick a porn name. Here's a fishing hat full of porn names. You can help yourself to any of them, but fair warning– a lot of these suck:

Him

Unger Arms

Helmut Polisher

Hugh Lu

Dan Yankees

Pubicus Ainsworth

Her

Vermina Urine

Aunt Tifa

Pam Frites

Annette Flix

Carmen Sandy Anus

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Unintentional Cosplay Edition

"Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?"

I've seen Hitman. I'm pretty sure someone on this ferry is going to die.

The Shake Shack at Penn Station is about to be robbed. Because I just spotted the getaway driver.

Dressing like a Dalek from Doctor Who? ACCESSORATE!

Two hippies from the Woodcroc festival.

The Latest New Perks For All AMC Stubs Awards Club Members

AMC is happy to announce even more benefits for being a member of Hollywood's best rewards program: Stubs! Here now are the latest partnerships and perks you can enjoy by joining today:

• Go ahead and clip your nails- we'll clean it up!

• Shirtless hugs from either Tammy or Danny, depending on who's working

• Helpful plot subtitles for the stupid

• Free hose that runs to the toilet so you don't have to get up (funnel for women)

• If you boo, we will feel shame

• We will cover your eyes during scary movies with our hands

• If there's a fire, we will do our best to put it out quietly so you won't be disturbed

• BANDOLIERS FOR CATS

Upcoming Ice Cream Pop Flavors

Summer's just around the corner–like only 5 months away–so here's a sneak peak at the new flavors you'll be able to enjoy when the ice cream truck stops in your neighborhood:

• Anthony Weiner Push-Up

• The Domino's Pizza Calfrozone

• Raspberry Excuse

• Police Chocolate Profiling

• Frozen Mob Assets

• Pepe the Frog

• The SpaceX Exploding Rocket

• Flat Earth Ice Cream Disk

• Italian Ice Italian Ice Baby

• Unvaccinated Scooter Crunch

• Gisele Bündchen's $500 Fashionable Orange Creamsicle

The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: Next Steps

So Fiverr refunded me the $110 since whatshername refused to provide a service that I paid for (grrrrr). Well, actually, no. They didn't refund me so much as give me a CREDIT to use for other Fiverr services. And the good news was, there are a lot of cheaper options, so I can hire a bunch of them!

Sweet! So I pulled the trigger on the Colorado cabin writer (????) for a five-spot, and then I hired this dude:

I hired him to make a death metal logo that says EAT A DICK JOEL!

And you know what? This gent promptly wrote me back, asking me to name death metal band logos I like for reference so he can get started! Ain't that a peach? So I sent him these three:

Those logos say "Defeated Sanity," "Gurglectomy" and "Heathen Hammer," but you probably already knew that. Boy, my mood on this Fiverr Experiment got a lot better since Mrs. "I Will Write For Your Blog". Things are looking up! *Walks away whistling*

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers

-------------

To: ALLCOMPANY

From: jkas@frumundaindustries.net

Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:

-----

574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

New EADJ Segment: Rising YouTube Celebrities To Watch For

The following are the latest, most popular breakout stars of YouTube, and if you've never heard of them, that means you are about to die of old age.

YouTube Breakout Star: DW11N11K

# Followers: 494,327,598

Summary: DW11N11K is a 19 year old from Belgium who looks at snack cakes (we never see the snack cakes on camera) and makes funny comments about them, often using his hilarious trademark insult "SNÂÂKKØØ!" in his four (and counting) videos. The Huffington Post called DW11N11K "the future of comedy."

Upcoming Project: DW11N11K has just signed a three-picture deal to write, direct and produce a 3D, IMAX DW11N11K trilogy with a budget of $567 Million. "SNÂÂKKØØ!" indeed.

YouTube Breakout Star: Samanthy Van Husselof-Camembert, in her blog "sAmAnThY's Makeup Instructionals"

# Followers: 8 trillion

Summary: Samanthy is a makeup blogger who alternates between how-to's about makeup and complaining about her Mom's diarrhea (they share the bathroom). In just 4 minutes, you can emulate the lipstick secrets of Princess Grace and Ariana Grande OR learn more about how dehydrated a 53 year old woman can become after only two trips to the toilet.

Upcoming Project: Samanthy is planning a "Friends" reunion, although none of the original stars have signed on, and so far it's only Samanthy and her Mom.

YouTube Breakout Star: Professor Timothy Grant of Rutgers University a.k.a. THE TIMBERSHANK

# Followers: ∞

Summary: Little is known about the secret identity of THE TIMBERSHANK, other than it's Professor Timothy Grant, head of the Biology Department at Rutgers University. THE TIMBERSHANK hosts a series of disturbing videos of cells dividing, moths mating and something called "symbiotic relationships between animals of different species." Trippy and psychedelic, these unexplainable videos are the cutting edge of avant garde YouTube entertainment.

Upcoming Project: Professor Timothy Grant a.k.a. THE TIMBERSHANK will be a chaperone at the Rutgers University Orientation Mixer For Freshman at the beginning of the Fall Semester. His office hours are 5pm-6:30pm on Thursdays in the Plant Science Field House building on the George H. Cook Campus.

An Imagined Conversation

Guy 1: Well, these ice cream treats are terrible.

(Guy 1 takes another taste, looks at packaging)

Guy 1: "Nutty peanut butter and cheese flavor?!" No wonder it's so bad.

Guy 2: I have another theory.

Guy 1: Yeah?

Guy 2: Maybe it's the fact that in the top upper left hand corner, it says "ice cream style treats for dogs," you moron.

Guy 1: "Ice cream style treats?!" You mean they're not even real ice cream for dogs?

New EADJ Segment

From the makers of Waiting Around Balloons,

EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!


EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!


EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!