Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The half Pug with the limp (or strut?)

Me: The Border Collie chasing that leaf

Heeeey! I think we made a connection over by the poop trash can! I'm new in town! You wanna grab coffee later? Bye!

You: The Boston Terrier with the leather collar

Me: The shy Maltese

I never do these types of things, but you caught my eye and I noticed you still have your balls. Call me?

You: the Cockapoo

Me: the Pomsky

Hello! We mixed breeds should hang out and possibly invent some new breeds! (Is that too forward?)

Another List of Shit That's Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Popstar Ariana Grande has built a career on batting her eyelashes and looking adorable. This blog can acknowledge her cuteness but would like to suggest a few things that happen to be way cuter than she. Here are some:

• Any Funko Pop figurine

• Kittens riding tiny tricycles

• Any infant with googly eyes on their forehead

• A slice of Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza on a girl's plastic teacup saucer.

• Rabbits yawning

• Your excuses for not working out

• Granny shots

• Cartoon hockey pucks with arms and legs

• When chimps make that heart thing with their hands

• A Terminator made from Duplo blocks 

• Chip from "Beauty & The Beast"

UAG

Smecial Dreams Entry

Apparently Vince still stars in a lot of dreams.

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Models: What Would They Drive?

It certainly has been a long enough time (June 2014, to be exact) since we visited the models in the baffling NJ Transit brochure. Today we ponder the question, if they didn't have to ride on a commuter train to work, what type of car would these motherfuckers drive? Here now is a fun, rhetorical exercise:

1. Jesse: 1972 Cutlass Supreme

The rugged lines and powerful motor of the 1972 Cutlass Supreme would go to waste with Jesse as its owner, whose slack ass would turn it quickly into a "hoarder car" filled with cheeseburger wrappers.

2. Jess: 1997 Pontiac Grand Am

An average gal like Jess, driving an average, champagne (!) colored piece of shit Pontiac? That seems about right.

3. Angie: 2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport

What can we say? Angie applies herself.

4. Trina: 1993 Chevy Lumina Van (Blue)

One would think with cleavage flashing like that, that Trina would end up with a nicer car. But here's what you don't understand: Trina has a bad back from her boobs and needs to load groceries from Costco without straining. It's a medical thing. Try not to judge.

5. Don With The Thumbs: 2003 Ford Taurus

Who's got two thumbs and tools around in an unremarkable rental car? THIS GUY

6. Simon Peter: Goat Cart, Circa 1926

Simon Peter is a suck-up and an idiot. This is what he deserves. Fuck him.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When Cassidy imagined it in a dream, it seemed pretty awesome. Now on an album cover it all just looks like a dumb screensaver.

Every play the bass so loud in your Lamborghini that it vibrates but you don't? The pigeon is unimpressed.

In "Redemption of the Beast," DMX makes a departure from his usual fare to offer reflective ballads and whispered spoken word about the human condition, climate change, and women's reproductive rights.

Once they took the photo at Picture People, they ordered five wallet sized, five 8x10 and five 4x5 that they can tape up in their cars' windowshades.

Not sure if he was born with this name, but if not, why would he want to be named after the busybody who relentlessly pursued Bill Clinton's impeachment to no effect in the 90s? Odd.

"That does it. I'm giving Pam five more minutes to show up, and then I'm getting lunch by myself."

Please tell me this is an urban re-imagining of "Beauty and the Beast" with talking microphones, sleepy blunts and a rapping mouse.

Nothing is more terrifying than a JC Penney model who starts robbing banks with a tea cozy on her head.

Yawn. So you spent five hours on an Etch-A-Sketch. Big whoop.

If gigantic anti-aircraft bullets didn't kill you when shot, they still might injure you pretty badly falling on your head.

"Oh no, Trixie, somebodymisappropriatedmyimageandaddeddreadlocksandstupidtattoosonmyfaceOOOHHHHH!"

A Reminder From Your H.R. Department: DO YOUR TIMESHEETS!

Hello. This is Adrian from H.R. If you're getting this email, that means you still have August timesheets to complete. Please have them done by end of day today. Thank you.

For those of you who have received this email twice today, that means you have both July and August timesheets to complete by end of day. I cannot stress how crucial it is that you complete these so we can get submissions to payroll. Those of you who have not completed June, July, AND August timesheets should have received three emails today, plus a written note from myself and our president Don Guffner on the importance of doing timesheets in a prompt and accurate manner. These written notes were hand-signed by Mr. Guffner himself.

To complete your time sheets, just open your Auto Timesheet software in your "Applications" bar. You have to quit out of any running applications to launch this. A dialogue box will ask for your employee number, social, and Auto Timesheet password. If you have not been issued an Auto Timesheet password yet, the default is "CUNTRAPISTS3." I have no control over this as the default password. Sorry.

Next, go to "File: Open" then click on the radio button that says "Start a new timesheet entry." Do not click on "OK," because that will take you back to the launcher. Instead, press control-T-space bar, and that should begin your timesheet entry. From there, you can search for the proper timecode by typing "search" in the upper left-hand search bar. If you type "search"in the lower left-hand search bar, it will delete all your previous entries and reset all your account passwords. If you do this by accident, your default password is "CUNTRAPISTS3." Like I said before, I apologize but cannot do anything to change this as your default password. It came with the system.

Repeat these steps for every job number you need to enter. If you have PTO, please go to "File: Alternate Entry," then click on "Paid Leave" where you can enter the dates of your paid time off. Do not click on "unpaid leave" by accident. I think you know what happens if you do. Yep. "CUNTRAPISTS3."

If you have any questions about timesheet entry between now and 5pm, please don't hesitate to call me, Adrian, or my office mate Hadrian. My extension is x35667, and Hadrian's is the same except with one digit off at the end. Good luck!

Adrian
Human Resources

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In Advertising, Black Women Still Have Only One Hairdo

As main exhibitor at the 15th Annual World Natural Hair Health & Beauty Show in Atlanta, I strongly protest the idea that the lazy big afro is the only possible hairstyle. What about the updo? The corn row or other braided variant? The Manassas Hangdown? 

Please, Madison Avenue. Spend more time around- or better yet, employ- black women and you'll get a better sense of the wide variety of hairstyles that we like to wear, other than the obvious 'fro.