Featured Products at This Year's Half-Assed Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is normally a very exciting showcase of new electronic product launches, but somehow this year no one, including the organizers, are very into it. Here now are some of the exhibitors you can look forward to (or not):

• another Roomba, except this one's more oval shaped? Who cares

• I dunno, a remote control for the washer and dryer that controls them? 

• Some bullshit thing you wear on your wrist that monitors your whatever

• Could you change the image on the big screen so we can watch football or something?

• This new vape pen that doubles as a breathalyzer... fuck, this is lame

• Are you guys leaving? Can I get a ride? You leaving now?

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

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"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

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"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

Say It Ain't So, I Will Not Go, Turn Pathmark Off, Carry Me Home

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Some low octane, low performance comedy today:

Introducing The Two Schools Of Misplaced Pathmark Merch: "On Top" and "Amongst"

Continuing our piece on how "Pathmark" segments fall into either "On Top" or "Amongst" categories. Today we will devote the entire entry to "Amongst" items:

It Was A Dark And Stormy Pathmark

This one submitted by Andrew Gall:

CRACK OF THUNDER SOUND EFFECT!!!!

EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

Eat A Dick Joel recently had the opportunity to sit down with the left nostril of Jillian Michaels, the celebrity fitness trainer from the NBC hit reality show "The Biggest Loser." We interviewed Michaels' left nostril at the Chateau Marmont in Beverly Hills on December 20th.

EADJ: Thanks for sitting down with us.

JMLN: No problem.

EADJ: We've noticed Jillian Michaels isn't with you today.

JMLN: Yes, Jillian is on a media tour promoting the next season of "Losing It With Jillian." I myself had some prior commitments, such as this interview.

EADJ: Well, thank you for that. How has her success affected your relationship with her?

JMLN: (laughs) That's probably the first question I get at every interview. I'm happy for Jillian and don't begrudge her at all. So when people read some of my Tweets (@JillianMichaelsLeftNostril) or overhear me say something about keeping up with her, they automatically think that she and I are on the rocks. That couldn't be anything further from the truth!

EADJ: But you do have your differences...

JMLN: I'm going to just stop you there and say this: when you have two big personalities like hers and mine, you can't help but have a few clashes once in a while. But I realize I'm her left nostril. She can't breathe without me...

EADJ: Actually, she could, from her mouth or her right nostril...

JMLN: (flares) ...My point is that I need her and she needs me. We have a mutual respect for each other and are not staying together just for appearances.


EADJ: I see. So tell us about your own personal projects.

JMLN: Ah, yes. Well, I have my own line of liqueurs and fragrances, and I've just taped a cameo appearance on the NBC show "Whitney."

EADJ: Ooh! I love that show!

JMLN: Also, I'm in talks for the role of the Scarlet Witch in "The Avengers 2" movie (crosses fingers) and I have been asked to ring the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange next month.


EADJ: Wow. It sounds like you do have a full plate.

JMLN: I know, right? Fame is a funny thing. (picks self)

EADJ: Thank you so much for talking to us today! And give Jillian a hug for us!

JMLN:My pleasure! Thank you!

BEANSNAPPERS

Andrew's been sending me shots of ads for this Wisconsin strip joint that he keeps seeing in Chicago. BEANSNAPPERS.


Beansnappers?! What the shit name is that? That either sounds like a farmer's market for kids or a painful procedure that you perform on a woman's clitoris in college.


No word on whether Andrew or Vince have actually been to Beansnappers yet. But it's only a matter of time, right?

Possible explanations for the name "Beansnappers:"

• The club originally started as a processing barn for a nearby farm which grew jumping beans. The jumping beans were often too active and "jumpy" for harvesters to handle and ship, so they had to let the beans "nap" in a quiet, dark barn. When the farm was foreclosed years later, this "beans napper" barn was eventually sold to a sleazy businessman who wanted to start a strip club.

• The original owner of the strip club was a woman named Gidelle Hargrove. She was keenly interested in reptiles and amphibians, particularly her snapping turtle. The club was named "Beantown," after Hargrove's native Boston. One day during the renovation of the club, some lumber fell and crushed her pet turtle to death. Distraught, Hargrove immediately ordered the sign be changed as a tribute to her pet, and "Beansnappers" was born.

• Back in the 70's, when drugs were given crazy names, pills in the Wisconsin area were commonly known as "beans." The strip club was run by the mafia, and strippers there had to pull double duty as both dancers and drug dealers. In their arrogance and hubris, the mafia brazenly named the club "Beansnappers," thinking the local police wouldn't catch on with the name. They did. The club was officially shut down for decades until it was resurrected by three local Mormon missionaries in 2003, who now run the club as a way to pay for bicycle maintenance.


Whatever the origin of that club's stupid name, it seems like they're doing fine with it. I did, however, find a more suitable name for them from a different business the other day:


Visit Beansnappers' website here, you cur.

As Long As There Is Racist Appliances

Brand Casualizing

In an attempt to be more accessible to consumers, lots of brands are making their handle abbreviated and less formal. This could possibly be traced to today's texting and tweeting culture, or you could attribute the trend to TRL, KFC, SNL or J-Lo.



Regardless, this shortening trend is not going away soon. Here are some upcoming brand makeovers:

• Chipotle will now be known as "Chipoat" without the annoying "lay"
• Leona Lewis will strip down to an outfit made only of white straps and rename herself "Leeloo"
• Dave will get rid of Buster, who was always the dumb one anyway
• Nokia will shorten their name to "Kia." No, wait a minute...
• Del Taco restaurants will close
• Oil of Olay will be shorted to Oilay
• Duracell will be changed to "The Dure," cuz that's all awesome and totally sweet
• Oprah's "O" Magazine will be halved into a "C"
• The band "Daughtry" will actually lengthen their name to "Wildebeest Assholes Grinding On Your Dad's Cock If You Listen To This Music You Fucking Tool Jagoff"

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Incident On A Dark Street

Like many of the other DVDs by EastWestDVD, "Incident On a Dark Street" features a big star on its cover who is barely on screen for 15 minutes. But William Shatner takes that nugget of a role and soars with it, on wings of his magnificent 70's moustache.

"Incident On a Dark Street" was initially the dull story about the U.S. Department nailing the boss of a crime ring who's trying to silence all the squealers. But the director took that boring script and turned it into a full-blown boring TV movie. All in all, it's full of boring angles, pedantic dialogue, and Oh God, look at that moustache. That thing is exquisite.





























For more information on the "sturgeon face," click here.










Later, a couple cavorting under a dock(?) find a dead body. The performance by the woman was ALMOST "The Third Greatest Performance of All Time," but after careful review from the EADJ Board, it was only given an Honorary Mention.



Here is that performance:
















Overall Grade: F