Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes or whatever, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• Fear Factor: Infant Edition

• Let's Follow "2 Broke Girls"Actor Jonathan Kale Around For No Reason

• X-treme Elder Day Care

• Talking Talking Dead- The Show Where We Talk About What We Just Watched On "Talking Dead"

• Monkey Balls & Kale

• Push! The OB/GYN Reality Show

• Black Flag's "TV Party": The TV Series

• Artistic Pee Streams

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week:

• Project Runway: The Confusingly Named Show That's Actually About Airport Runways

• Law and Order: CSI

• Ken Burns' Screamo

• Model Home Stagers

• Traffic Cop With a Taser

• Samantha's Itch

• Scrolling Fake Social Security Numbers

• Vending Machine Refill Wars

• Gag?

• Tomahawk Home Makeovers

UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For March 27, 2019

____________________________________________________________________

From: mark.thadowik@outwardinc.net
Sent: March 27, 2019 8:40 AM
To: ALL_Company
Subject: Job Numbers For Time Sheets


Hey assholes,

Mark here. You know, the CEO of this place who employs you all. Finance tells me you fuckers aren't doing your timesheets on time, and it cocks up our billing, which prevents people from getting paid, mainly ME. So you cocksuckers better fucking get on the stick and start doing timesheets or I'm going to go down there and lay some fury on your plebeian asses, quick-like.

"But I don't have job numbers!" you whine. Well, motherfuckers, here are the job numbers now, so you have no excuse not to get cracking and do this shit.

What are you waiting for, bitches? Get your goddamned job numbers and submit that shit! FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,

Mark Thadowik
CEO, Outward Incorporated

____________________________________________________________________

022041: Defending Jack White

913106: Settling Pictionary Arguments

825915: Giving Pokey his cut

339531: Throwing something into the bad guy's helicopter so it crashes

696311: Trying to work the word "lit" into a sentence to sound cool

881480: Reading the Terms and Conditions

601664: Taking "skeez" as a compliment

523903: Conceding it's maybe not the country's best yogurt

100986: Doin' the do

737321: Squirreling away some ketchup packets for later snacks

914293: Finding your correct job number

414121: Covering "Shallow" in the bathroom stall

Two Obscure Movies I Haven't Seen That Are Probably About The Lead Actor's Cock

Movie: Crystal Inferno

Starring: Claire Forlani (Clerks) and Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It's burning at the bottom. Probably from some sort of sexually transmitted disease like chlamydia or gonorrhea, but could also be a bacterial infection.

Next Steps: Claire should probably get tested for STDs. Jamie should visit a clinic and put some cream on it.

Movie: Flashburn

Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery (KAW!) and Cameron Richardson (huh?)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It too is burning, but with a FLASH! Possibly from foreign bioluminescent material or a leaky glow stick.

Next Steps: Cameron should check her body for glowy parts and get tested for STDs ASAP TCBY. Sean should sit in a bath of warm molasses just to be safe.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make Puffy Slime

Making puffy slime with your kids is just as fun and easy as making regular slime but with a couple of extra steps:

1) Pour 1 cup of glue into a bowl

2) Add shaving cream. There's no set amount- the more, the puffier!

3) Mix

4) Add food coloring and stir

5) Add contact lens solution, a little bit at a time. The mixture will start to "transform" into slime rather quickly. Stir some more.

6) Voila! Puffy slime!

And speaking of puffy, I once drove a certain unnamed rapper from a concert. He seemed like a decent guy. Except he left toothpicks on the floor and seats.

Be safe, kids!

Some Upcoming Movies Based On a 3 Year Old's Puzzles

It's no secret that Hollywood has run out of script ideas for movies. Every available property has been developed into a feature film already, and studio execs are now desperate to find the next big release. Luckily, they found a handful of viable screenplay ideas from some puzzles that my son Trevor was playing with while on the potty. Here are some upcoming blockbusters to watch out for:

"Fishbook" starring Joel McHale, Anne Hathaway, and Tiffany Haddish

It's "The Perfect Storm" meets "Titanic" as a seaside college librarian (McHale) falls in love with a National Guard Captain (Hathaway) during the storm of the century.

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"Ballmoon" starring John Cena, Mandy Rose, Toni Storm, and Lacey Evans

A new low-gravity stadium on the moon has opened, and the toughest moonball players must duke it out to become the Champion of the Universe! Also featuring a cameo by Hulk Hogan. Directed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

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"Lion Fire" starring Tom Bateman, Tyler James Williams, and Maisie Williams

The Samson High Lion Cheer squad discovers an out-of-control wildfire that's threatening to destroy their school (but more importantly, their cheer practice space). The squad improvises and overcomes personal obstacles to become the town's newest firefighting heroes. LION FIRE!

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"Milk Soap" starring Nina Dobrev, Sasheer Zamata, and Basketmouth

A struggling NYC artist (Zamata) hits pay dirt when she fakes the recipe for a trendy new "milk soap" that promises to cure all kinds of diseases and ailments. The lie spreads out of control, and only her best friend (Dobrev) and their local Nigerian bodega owner (Basketmouth) can save her reputation.  Directed by Emma Stone and Spike Jonze

The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How'd you do? Who cares?

It's Time Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the above unknown toilets with the following locations:

1. Sea life Michigan Aquarium, Auburn Hills, Michigan

2. Museum of Math, NYC

3. Ramen Wasabi, Chicago

4. Lambert Seafood, Greenbelt, MD

5. Estero Cafe, Valley Ford, CA

6. Disney Contemporary Hotel, Orlando, FLA

The answers will be revealed tomorrow!

Avalanche Shark Poster Taglines: Back To The Boring Static Versions!

UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. Even if you're listening to this with your kids and advising them, you're a terrible parent.

"You locked us out in the alley, Keith?! Dammit, I left my shirt in the apartment! DAMMIT!"

I dunno. Even putting a mutant potato Hitler head on your album cover seems like a risky career move.

Lovely. There isn't a non-trashy option in there.

If this came in vinyl, you can bet I'd spend hours examining this album art. A++!

Hey look. Marcus Mumford joined the class of Saved By The Bell.

Here's a broom and dustpan. CLEAN THIS BAKING SODA UP, LANDON!

It's been said here before, but photos of smoke wafting out of someone's open mouth is not creative or interesting.

Is it just me or does that look like a veiny dick?

No change. I'd be too afraid to upset the Beyhive.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Difference Between the iPhone XS and iPhone XR

"Oof... gah... It's pretty simple, really... The XR has a slightly larger... ugh... screen, plus it's ... ahh... uh... an LCD screen, whereas... *gasps*...the XS uses OLED... oof... the XR also has only one *huff huff* rear-facing... aw man... camera... GAH... ahh... uhh... which is the same... ouch... ah... as the XS' wide-angle camera... wait..." *slips into a coma*

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Pizza Roll Battles

• CSI: Misdemeanors and Traffic Violations

• Virtual Thong

• Endless Scrolling Lorem Ipsum

• DOOF! A Congressional Story

• Fuck That: Dumb Dares VIII

• E/R Stomach Pump Stories

• Your Horoscope And Why It's All Bullshit

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Grazed Nuts (Owww!)

• Deez Ecuadorians

• Viking Skullfuckers

• Hanna Barbera's Anthropomorphized Farm Animals

• Commie Lezbo & the Green Deal Pinko Abortionists

• My Dick (Close Captioned)

• 3D Hocking A Loogie Inches From Your Little Brother's Face

The ProofrEADJER: Mini March Edition

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

"Fear Is The Path To The Dark Side. Fear Leads To Anger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Pathmark."

UAG

Yet More Available But God-Awful Porn Names

If you're an eager young actor or actress trying to get into porn, CONGRATULATIONS! You have a brief and unrewarding career ahead of you (the only industry briefer and less rewarding is advertising). But first, you're going to need a porn name. Here are a few we had lying around, but only because they're terrible. Knock yourself out:

Him

Schaden Freude
Dunning Kruger
Phil A. Mignon
Jacques Itch
Gazebo Pergola


Her

Val Holla
Shannon Nigans
Euthanasia Puppies
Crotchella 2019
Dawn Keykong
Chaka Holic

Hey, Even More Perks Of Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because the only ones that do are inconsiderate assholes who text and talk and throw shit on the floor like it's their goddamn fucking living room. But those brave souls who still pay box office prices for the theatre experience can also be AMC Stubs Rewards members, now with these new positive perks:

• Free name tag on your shirt spelled in cursive with nacho cheese

• Complimentary lice consultation after sitting in our seats

• If your mom calls, we'll tell her you're too busy getting laid, wink wink

• Free parking lot 5 miles away with a $10 shuttle ride to the theatre

• Free giant Gummi dong that you'll never finish during the movie and will have to take home and explain to your wife

• We will sit behind you and throw popcorn in your hair, just like in high school

• Complimentary "view vest" which is branded with the AMC logo but doesn't do a damn thing except turn you into a walking advertisement

• If you have large knockers, we will be sure to compliment you on them