A Staggeringly Terrible Choice For a Visual

Someone picked the absolute worst image for this sign's message. 🦠

Info Wars Presents: Conspiracy Theories FOR KIDS

PragerU has launched programs to indoctrinate children with far right beliefs. Not to be outdone, Info Wars is announcing the following conspiracy theories directly to children:

• Your parents are withholding most of your allowance and giving it to illegals

• Slavery was just a bunch of grown ups playing farmer and boss

• What really sank the Titanic? Drag queens.

• McDonald's McFlurries are delicious because they're made with liberal tears

• Krampus is actually Nancy Pelosi

• Fidget Poppers are a gateway to queer poppers

UAG

Two Obscure Movies I Haven't Seen That Are Probably About The Lead Actor's Cock

Movie: Crystal Inferno

Starring: Claire Forlani (Clerks) and Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It's burning at the bottom. Probably from some sort of sexually transmitted disease like chlamydia or gonorrhea, but could also be a bacterial infection.

Next Steps: Claire should probably get tested for STDs. Jamie should visit a clinic and put some cream on it.

Movie: Flashburn

Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery (KAW!) and Cameron Richardson (huh?)

What's Up With The Lead Actor's Cock: It too is burning, but with a FLASH! Possibly from foreign bioluminescent material or a leaky glow stick.

Next Steps: Cameron should check her body for glowy parts and get tested for STDs ASAP TCBY. Sean should sit in a bath of warm molasses just to be safe.

Coming Soon: The Fiverr Experiment

On Fiverr I came across this person who will WRITE FOR YOUR BLOG for a hundo. Sure, why not? Eat A Dick Joel needs some new blood for its stupidity. Plus, maybe she might be excited to write for a 12 year old blog full of butt jokes and poor Photoshop.

Stay tuned for the correspondence and lead-up to her EADJ entry.

An Imagined Conversation

The One On The Left: What are we doing today.

The One On The Right: Nothing. Neither of us have jobs.

The One On The Left: Nope. So what are we going to do, then.

The One On The Right: I know– let's get dressed up and get photographed.

The One On The Left: Why.

 The One On The Right: I dunno. For the hell of it. What else are we going to do. Read? Work?

The One On The Left: LOL. Okay, we could put our hair up in stupid buns and go to a premier where lots of cameras are and have our picture taken.

The One On The Right: And then our pictures will spread on social media, and more stupid people will follow us.

The One On The Left: And then we can somehow parlay all the new attention into some sort of endorsement deal so we can have more money to buy more stupid clothes to get photographed in.

The One On The Right: It's kind of a vicious cycle.

The One On The Left: Why were we even born.

The Next Ten Episodes Of CBS's "Under The Dome"

"Under The Dome" is a wildly successful dramatic series on CBS that depicts a town that suddenly has to deal with a giant inexplicable dome that appeared around it. The townfolk are forced apart from each other and have to take the entire premise seriously. Oh, and it's based on a novel by Stephen King if any of you think that would help.

EADJ got an exclusive sneak peek at the next ten episodes of "Under The Dome" and would like to share these mindblowing episode summaries with you [WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]:

"Shovel"

Episode 1.2

Cassie, the waitress from the diner, gets a shovel and tries to dig her way down under the dome, only to find that the dome is actually a sphere.

"Gun"

Episode 1.3

Farmer Gillins takes his shotgun and tries to shoot a crack into the dome, but realizes all of his shotgun shells are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOME.

"Stick/Branch"

Episode 1.4

Burt, the Boy Scout troop leader, uses a stick to find a seam in the dome. He dies horribly.

"Blowtorch"

Episode 1.5

Hughes, the mechanic at the service station, attempts to use a blowtorch to burn a hole into the dome. He only manages to get the dome material too hot to touch for fifteen minutes.

"Courteney Cox"

Episode 1.6

Special guest star Courteney Cox appears in the dome and suggests that they use a shovel, gun, stick or blowtorch to break the dome, only to be told that all of those things have already been tried. Also, since she is IN the dome, she is now a series regular rather than just a guest star.

"Sandpaper"

Episode 1.7

Some idiot tries to use sandpaper to sand their way out of the dome and wastes an hour of everyone's time.

"Loud Music"

Episode 1.8

Local record store owner Levi suggests that they try to blast their way out of the dome with really loud music, only to find that his record collection is mostly Andy Williams and mellow clarinetist Acker Bilk.

"Dome"
Episode 1.9
Science Teacher Mrs. Morgan comes up with the idea that the only thing that can break the dome is ANOTHER DOME. The townsfolk look everywhere for another dome to crack the original dome and actually FIND ONE, except that second dome is outside their dome, so they can't reach it to break their own.

"Skateboarders"
Episode 1.10
In the first season finale, some daring skateboarders volunteer to skate UP THE DOME to find an exit at the top. They actually don't find an opening but have a great time skating along the sides of the dome, much to the irritation of the more elderly townsfolk. Music by Pierce The Veil and Speaking The King's.

Strait Trippin'

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.




And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:


I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

An Imagined (Short) Conversation

"Well, shit. This 14 feet of molding ain't gonna fit in the trunk. Now we drove all the way to Home Depot for nothing."

"Wait. I got an idea."

Meanwhile, At The Ob/Gyn Office...