Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept. 5 - Sept. 9

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tim Ortegas <tortegas@67media.com>
To: All <Allstaff@67media.com> 
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2022 9:13 AM
Subject: Zoom Etiquette / Job Numbers

Good morning everyone.

Just a quick note that if you're having a zoom call with clients, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR CAMERA ON. The client does not want to have a conversation with a thumbnail of a shocked Pikachu. They've told me as much.

Anyways, here are the job numbers for doing timesheets this week. Please submit by EOD Friday!

#955693 - Blending the contours

#223974 - Hiding the bodies

#808912 - Replacing Terrence Howard as Rhodey

#255305 - Promoting your stupid podcast

#930056 - Arguing with concert security

#503621 - Destroying the timeline

#141102 - Garden walk bullshit

Not Particularly Proud Of This

 Was shopping on Amazon. Made use of the "Zoom" feature.

BTW I'm not particularly proud about shopping on Amazon, either.

UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. Even if you're listening to this with your kids and advising them, you're a terrible parent.

"You locked us out in the alley, Keith?! Dammit, I left my shirt in the apartment! DAMMIT!"

I dunno. Even putting a mutant potato Hitler head on your album cover seems like a risky career move.

Lovely. There isn't a non-trashy option in there.

If this came in vinyl, you can bet I'd spend hours examining this album art. A++!

Hey look. Marcus Mumford joined the class of Saved By The Bell.

Here's a broom and dustpan. CLEAN THIS BAKING SODA UP, LANDON!

It's been said here before, but photos of smoke wafting out of someone's open mouth is not creative or interesting.

Is it just me or does that look like a veiny dick?

No change. I'd be too afraid to upset the Beyhive.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

UAG

I can't tell, either.

An IM Convo, Submitted By JOEL HIMSELF

Click to enlarge


It turns out it was a real woman contacting Joel. Her name was Rita Bega, the disgraced sister of Lou Bega of "Mambo Number 5" fame.

Kid's Domino Is Ambivalent.

New EADJ Segment: Brynn's Posytyve Spynn

So here's the deal with this new segment. We read a hard-hitting, possibly upsetting news article, and our lil' Brynn puts her 'posytyve spynn' on the subject– the silver lining. Then comedy somehow appears magically, I dunno.



*Bonus info: Brynn has asked EADJ to remove her last name from the blog, so that when she Googles herself, "Eat A Dick Joel" doesn't show up as the FIRST listing anymore.