Here Are Some More Available But Godawful Porn Names

Great job landing your first movie role, kid. But before you begin "performing" for the camera, you're going to need to tell our producers what your alias–aka porn name–is going to be. Keep in mind some of the best, most memorable porn handles have been taken already. But don't worry– we have a few unused ones lying around that you're welcome to. Be warned, though– they're pretty terrible.

Him

Beau Geste

Cumpanion Cube

Ben Ghazi

Dong Cornelius

Harold Asscrack

Shane ToMyParents

Warren G. Throbbing

Her

Lauren Ipsum

Teri Yaki

Nicorette

Bessie Mae Mucho

Bézier Curves

Lapdance Lazuli

A Few Monster Movie Posters

The woman and the alien at the top of this poster look like they're old college buddies catching up on old times.

"You took my bike to Goodwill?! That was a top-of-the-line Fuji touring bike, Nancy!"

This one looks like the guy took his eager little brother to a senior party and regrets it immediately.

A Quick Word About Project Mc2 Toys For Girls

It's encouraging to see a booming interest in S.T.E.M. (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) subjects among children and young people, and with that comes the advent of STEM-related toys for sale. Some toys are better than others, of course. But one particular brand is trying to cash in on the STEM craze while still keeping their feet in the goddamned 1950s. I'm talking about Project Mc2 toys, based on a web series of the same name featuring "a highly secretive group of female government operatives who are trying to protect the world."

Project Mc2, rather than just promoting learning and interest in scientific subjects, chooses to add a thin layer of "science" to the archaic notion that girls should just play with makeup and go to the spa and worry about their appearance. The result is this grotesque mashup of encouraging learning and not-so-subtly keeping women and girls in their place.

I'm sure the argument here is "well, girls do like makeup and getting dressed up and doing their nails" which might be true, but why reinforce all that on girls who might only want to learn about science? Why girl-ify anything just because you want to pander girls? Science is science and interesting enough as it is. You don't need to put a pink skirt on a supercollider so girls can learn about atoms.

Beauticians are scientists! Hair stylists are conducting experiments!

Perfume, WITH SCENTS INCLUDED?! Wow, a bonus!

"Spa experiments." "Slumber Party Science Kit." You know, girls can be girls, but this cynical pandering (and patriarchal pressuring) is not fucking welcome in 2019.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. Even if you're listening to this with your kids and advising them, you're a terrible parent.

"You locked us out in the alley, Keith?! Dammit, I left my shirt in the apartment! DAMMIT!"

I dunno. Even putting a mutant potato Hitler head on your album cover seems like a risky career move.

Lovely. There isn't a non-trashy option in there.

If this came in vinyl, you can bet I'd spend hours examining this album art. A++!

Hey look. Marcus Mumford joined the class of Saved By The Bell.

Here's a broom and dustpan. CLEAN THIS BAKING SODA UP, LANDON!

It's been said here before, but photos of smoke wafting out of someone's open mouth is not creative or interesting.

Is it just me or does that look like a veiny dick?

No change. I'd be too afraid to upset the Beyhive.