UAG

The ProofrEADJER: Mini March Edition

What The Man On the Box For An Outdoor Mat Is Thinking

You little shit.

You think just because you're 3 years old and adorable, you can hog the whole shoot? Well, I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't a photoshoot for a "kids only outdoor mat." No sirree. We are supposed to depict a family of three together on the mat. This isn't your big break or a springboard to your own Netflix series, you little twerp.

Oh, I do see your real mommy standing by the craft service table (which I'm surprised they even have for a still shoot, impressive!) coaching you to emote and exude and act the part or whatever, but face it, kid. This is not an acting gig- we are mannequins who look the fucking part.

At least they think we look the part. You actually look a little Asian to me, so I guess Martha here and me adopted you or kidnapped you or whatever. I'm not sure about the backstory here. What I do know is that I will strangle you with this sock monkey if you ruin this for me. I sure as hell need this $75, and you turning this into "Star Search" isn't going to help me any.

"Star Search." It's a talent show from way back. Forget it.

Joel's Misadventures At the Food Court

If there's one thing Joel is known for besides eating dick, it's nothing.

So imagine everyone's utter surprise when Joel saunters into the Food Court at the Burbank Town Center, a mall that's known to not have any dick eateries at all!

The kids working the Lotus Express were crestfallen.

Auntie Anne's Pretzels thought it was a joke.

The woman at Saladworks actually shat herself.

Joel, in fact, cause such a stir that he was confronted twice by mall security, once in front of the Piercing Pagoda, and one by the Make Your Own Teddy Bear Bullshit Factory.

Turns out that it wasn't Joel at all, but Roger Camberon, famed Joel impersonator. Roger forgot he had his Joel outfit on instead of his regular clothes and was just bopping in to get a Chilito. But always the professional, Roger took photos with some thrilled fans and signed a few dicks.

(pictured above, a realtor in Maryland who is so successful, he wears a tuxedo and carries a Clio Award with him. More on Young Kang here.)