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Things To Talk About While Sitting At the Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella

So your parents bought a Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella for the backyard and have invited some people over. You're expected to have lunch or a snack at this thing and worse yet, probably expected to have a conversation with the other kids sitting there. EADJ and Little Tikes have joined together to give you some possible ice breakers and discussion topics:

• Are Capri Suns fruit boxes?

• Paw Patrol is grooming children to accept fascism

• Why do training pants seldom have trains on them?

• Eating your vegetables: A LIBERAL CONSPIRACY

• What foods are there besides pizza?

• Is Caillou a bitch, or is he a TOTAL bitch?

• The dangers of not picking your boogers

• That cloud that looks like a frog never mind

• Why hasn't Trump fired Dr. Fauci yet if he dislikes him so much?

• Can one enjoy Fat Albert and The Brown Horne without the shadow of Bill Cosby's awful legacy?

• Words that rhyme with butt 

Bank Pen Holder Was Shocked.

Bank Pen Holder was shocked.

Baked Goods Wrapper Dispenser stayed on Snapchat.

The Two Remaining Cylons were nervous.

Paper Towel Dispenser giggled behind his shades.

Delivery Van was quite amused.

Upside Down Car Icon was scandalized.

Upside Down Sailboat became a Stoned Alien.

Aloe Water Bottles were VERY SURPRISED.

Salmon Steaks sat there like the Judge from Pink Floyd's "The Wall":

Crayola Boba Fett continued to monitor the situation.

Buck Toothed Garbage Bin couldn't believe it.

House wished it were somewhere else.

Gas Pump Nozzle Holder thought about his sad lot in life.

But Garage Light Sensor thought everything was GREAT!

A Rebuttal of The Tubes's "She's A Beauty" From The Alleged Beauty, Who Once Again Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan! What Are The Chances?

Previous rebuttals here and here.

I know at this point, it looks like I'm looking for trouble- luring men and breaking their hearts. But honestly, I'm just a simple claims adjuster who has an after-work cocktail now and then. It's just been my extreme misfortune to be accosted by so many creepy musicians from the 80s! If there were another bar besides The Breakfast Club Bar near my work, believe me, I'd be going there instead!

One of the things I enjoy is having my drink over by the window. That way I can spot Tammy or Debora (not Debra or Deborah with the H) and call them inside to share a drinkie. But lately these guys named The Tubes have noticed me in the window and have started calling unwanted attention my way. Here is my point-by-point rebuttal of what they've been saying:

1) "Step right up and don't be shy / Because you will not believe your eyes / She's right here behind the glass / And you're gonna like her 'Cause she's got class" What the fuck? I'm minding my own business in a window, and now these assholes are charging admission for people to look at me? What about my privacy?!

2) "You can look inside another world / You get to talk to a pretty girl / She's everything you dream about / But don't fall in love" You can knock on the window or put your number on a piece of paper and put it against the glass, but I'm not talking to you.

3) "She's a beauty / She's one in a million girls / She's a beauty / Why would I lie? / Why would I lie?" You'd lie because I can read your lips that you're charging $5 to "check out this MILF's sexy gams". That does it. I'm calling the police next time I see you out there, Tubes.

It's Time Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the above unknown toilets with the following locations:

1. Sea life Michigan Aquarium, Auburn Hills, Michigan

2. Museum of Math, NYC

3. Ramen Wasabi, Chicago

4. Lambert Seafood, Greenbelt, MD

5. Estero Cafe, Valley Ford, CA

6. Disney Contemporary Hotel, Orlando, FLA

The answers will be revealed tomorrow!

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Product Descriptors On The Back Of A Package Of The Trim Men Personal Care Set

Sony Pictures, Columbia TriStar, Universal and Disney are bidding top dollar for the following script properties, all due for release in January 2016:

"Nail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A period piece set in the 1800s, where a young socialite (Knightley) has a dreadful hangnail, and whose two suitors (Firth & Redmayne) compete for her affection.

"Toenail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A movie completely unrelated to "Nail Clipper," this stars Eddie Redmayne as a podiatrist in the 1950s who gets involved in a murderous scheme to overthrow his landlord (Firth) and marry his wife (Knightley). 

"Personal Care: Scissors," starring Carey Mulligan, Dominic West, and Jenny McCarthy. A horror movie set in a strip mall spa. Dominic West stars as the faceless killer bent on cleaning all the blonde hairs out of his spa, even if it's attached to women.

"Sapphire File," starring Gabourey Sidibe and Alan Cumming. Sidibe reprises her role as Precious, but this time she's recruited by an MI6 agent (Cumming) to prevent the assassination of the Queen of England. Based on a short story thrown away by Sapphire. Look for a wacky cameo with Mo'Nique!

"Comb" A low-budget short biography of P. Diddy.

"Storage Case," starring Liam Neeson, Tim Robbins, Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes. Three assassins (Neeson, Cooper and Mendes) do everything they can to take out a mob informer (Robbins) but keep leaving their stuff behind. Eventually the mob informer collects enough of their leave-behinds to defend himself. It's "Home Alone" meets "Rambo." No? Okay, I got another one...

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