"Fear Is The Path To The Dark Side. Fear Leads To Anger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Pathmark."

EADJ Etiquette Center Presents An Etiquette Pop Quiz

POP QUIZ: A person in front of you is finishing up at the soda fountain station and is getting a top and straw for their beverage. You need more ice and Coca Cola for your drink. Do you:

a) squeeze by her and get both

b) get the ice but not the Coke, because it's too close to her

c) WAIT YOU FUCKING TURN AND HOLD YOUR GODDAMNED HORSES FOR MAYBE 20 SECONDS. SHIT, ARE YOU DYING OF THIRST, YOU HORRIBLE, IMPATIENT ANIMAL? TAKE A FRIGGIN' CHILL PILL AND oh, she done now.

Answer: c

Some Hollywood Superhero Movies Based On The Names of Glitter Tattoos

Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, and the only game in town anymore are comic book superhero movies. Desperate for any type of inroad to this booming genre, the major studios have bought the rights to convert the names of glitter tattoos being sold at a kids' bouncy castle place in Edison, NJ for 2017/2018 superhero movie releases. Here are the scripts being worked on right now: 

"Dinosaur T-Rex" starring Andy Samberg, Jay Baruchel and Elizabeth Banks. Three amateur paleontologists dumbly inject themselves with dinosaur DNA to become the short armed, violently ravenous Dinosaur T-Rex Crew! Special visual effects by Digital Domain and somebody's iPhone.

"Dancing Dolphins" starring Chloe Sevigny, Sarah Polley and Chloë Grace Moritz. Three friends vacationing in Aruba encounter a fallen meteor which bestows otherworldly DOLPHIN POWERS to the trio! Soundtrack by Paramore and that "Call Me Maybe" chick.

"Bat" starring Denis Leary and Robin Wright Penn. A film noir take on the Batman myth, the worlds' most untrustworthy detective (Leary) takes on the case for a beautiful heiress (Wright Penn) who happens to also be a jewel thief. 

"Dancing Fairy" starring Jim Carrey, Melanie Griffith and that kid from "Stranger Things" with no teeth. A wish from a birthday cake transforms an unexpecting Dad (Carrey) into a dancing fairy who fights crime while making rude gestures with his rear end. Rated R for male nudity and female dialogue.

"Turtle Swirl" starring Shailene Woodley, Jon Voight and Dwayne Johnson. A promising marine biologist is kidnapped by an evil nuclear physicist who transforms her into Turtle Swirl, whose powers include going slow, swirling, and having difficulty getting out of a bathtub.

"Twin Seahorse" starring Fergie and Patricia Arquette. Fergie and Patricia Arquette play twins (with special effects help from WETA Studios) who die in a car accident but come back as superpowered seahorses. Expect lots of product placement by Yankee Candle, Clorox 2, and Duraflame!

Porn Stars and Stage Directions

You'd think that getting your right from your left would be actually critical for their job.


PornstarsStageDirections by Estoye

The EADJ Winter Fashion Show

It's time once again to walk and turn sassily down the runway with one hand on your hip, because EADJ is featuring the fashion industry's most popular winter offerings. Here's what to look out for in the salons this winter:


Kelsey shows her support of Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in a full-sized silkscreened top from Armory Limited. Now she can have a World Series winner pitching directly from the mound of her round ass! And at $189.99 each, it's no wonder Kelsey's going back to the ATM!


"The Matrix" was a very popular movie in 1999, but don't tell Marjorie that! In a vinyl trenchcoat and knee-high boots, she's ready to both dodge bullets in slow motion and text her adult son to pick up some Sweet And Low from Albertson's.


Falling asleep on the subway platform with a fishing rod is fun again, as Richard demonstrates in a blue softball t-shirt and urban loafers from Globus.


Picking up where Marjorie left off, Heloise shows off her take on the Matrix "Trinity" look in a shiny faux leather dress with special saddle patches to compensate for her hippiness. Now watch her step out in these Glad Bags... I mean, glad rags! The leather purse with a gold chain and the hooker heels finish the ensemble with a giant "Wha?"


White, grey grey grey, white. That's the general take-away Frederic leaves you with as he slouches in this leatherette outfit from Goulashe. When standing upright, he even resembles a generic Q-Tip.


No one takes a dump in a trash can quite like the Yankees, and Earl displays his fandom in a black jacket with bedazzled multi-color Yankees logos.


And here's Milo in the dressier, no-logo version.


Barack Obama proudly wears a leather jacket displaying the seal of his office, letting everyone in Penn Station that he is the Commander In Chief, and you should not step to him.

EADJ Etiquette Center with Lauren Fontinel

The following is a photo on the El taken by Lauren F.


Rule #1: Close your legs.


Lauren earns 50 points for the panty hose crotch shot. Congratulations, Team Blondie!

EADJ Etiquette Center

A new segment on manners by EADJ.


Etiquette Tip: Too often these days, if you see someone you know in the hallway or on the elevator at work, they ask "How are you?" and you say, "Fine, how are you?" and for some reason (maybe they haven't been paying attention), they say "Fine, how are you?" a second time, which is really infuriating.

In the cases where they ask you a second time how you are, it is acceptable to just say "Cunt." We even ran this by Miss Manners, and she was cool with it.