Trouble At Target

Spotted at Target, somebody punched a poster of an infant in the crotch.

Some New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

The Documentaries Channel streaming service has announced some new documentaries this week to watch along with the regular documentaries they're already showing. You can start watching any of these now:

• Not Blythe: The Story of a Woman Who Looks Remarkably Like Actress Blythe Danner But Isn't Her

• HAM: The Meat of an Empire & The Empire of Meat

• Background: The Extras In Movies You Love Ditch On How Miserable Shooting Actually Was

• Shuriken: Their History, How They're Made, and How To Remove One From Your Sternum

• Gas Leak! Silent But Deadly (Not About Farts, This Is Serious, Guys)

• Stuff You: How The Beanie Babies Industry Cheats Its Collectors

• Shit On A Stick: America's Love Affair With State Fairs

• Putting Baby In A Corner: A Dirty Dancing Alternate Timeline Explored

• "You Fucking Pussy": A Tribute To Older Brothers

A Brief List of Terrible Baby Names For Boys

Sheila

Fastidian

Treebeard

Carlos Reyes Undocumento

Chifferobe

Triptophan

Chutzpah

Bonjenet

Calculus

Zardoz

Crimminy

Kim Jong Un, Jr.

Gimlet

Harness

Lamisil

Buzzfeed

Bisque

Skeet

There's No Way To Know For Sure

Here is a short list of possible things that this baby is thinking while sitting in the Ultimate Spider-Man Baby Pool:

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Why is she holding an invisible taco in front of me?"

"Wait. This isn't Disney World."

"How the hell did my hair get wet in this shallow thing?"

"I would have preferred a Batman pool, actually. I'm more of a DC reader, especially since the New 52."

"Why is the government focusing more on the apprehension of Edward Snowden and not on the shocking revelation he leaked that the NSA illegally monitors Americans' phone calls?"

"What kind of fuel does the Dinosaur Train run on? Hopefully not fossil fuel. That would be just wrong."

"I wonder if my hatred for the Chinese will arise naturally or be engrained into me by my racist parents."

"I POOPED"

"Wait a minute. Goldilocks was clearly breaking and entering in that story!"

"I imagine you couldn't play Jenga for shit on the International Space Station."

"Isn't $17.99 a little unreasonable for an inflatable toy?"

"Where's that waitress? I ordered my drink 15 minutes ago."

"Man, the actor who plays Cam on 'Modern Family' may not be really gay, but he certainly is convincing."

"Why is having a black president a big deal? There's been one in office my entire life."

"You do not have my nose. I realize it's a trick now, so you can't fool me again, lady."

"My friend Hector explained to me the meaning of the word 'coochie,' so whenever you say 'coochie coo' to me, that's sexual harassment."

"Seriously, this thing holds what, one gallon of water?"

"Liam Neeson actually did a pretty great Hannibal in that 'A-Team' movie, now that I think about it."

"CRÜE!"

"It's a shame more people don't use Google Chrome as their primary web browser."

"Holy shit, look at that woman's cankles!"

"I miss the good ol' days of drinking directly from my mother's chest."

"Not to belabor a point, but my goddamn dimple can hold more water than this thing."

"I bet you're reading all of these in Bruce Willis' voice, aren't you?"

"Man, there is no shortage of nipples in this photo."

"Miremos más que somos padres de nuestro porvenir que no hijos de nuestro pasado."

"My spidey sense is tingling. Or am I sitting on my pacifier?"

"How do humans know what they know, and how does our knowledge relate to our experience?"

"What in the world would possess Gallagher's brother to impersonate him and then get into a whole legal entanglement with him over an act that he clearly never owned?"

"Couldn't she have put this stupid pool over a softer surface than friggin' concrete?"

"I wonder if I should get a career in advertising or marketing."

"That cloud looks like half of a cow."

"If someone had two lazy eyes, would they look like Cookie Monster?"

"Will I start losing my hair when I'm in my 40's? Who cares? LOL"

"Why is my mother so cheap that she buys my suits at the Build-A-Bear Workshop?"

"Do I smell ham?"

"Where is my Dad? Is he that guy? Or that guy? Or him with the bag?"

"Why make a g.d. zombie movie if you're going to make it PG-13, take out all the gore and have the zombies run faster than humans? Friggin' ridiculous."

"I should ride a badger since I'm still small enough to balance on one."

"How do you pronounce ?uestlove's name?"

"I think it's pretty lazy for the Alphabet song to be the same exact melody as 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' Just lazy."

"Man, based on what my friends at daycare tell me, I am not looking forward to teething."

"Wait, there were THREE Beastie Boys?!"

"f"

To The Nearsighted People Who Want To Buy The "Everybody Loves Babies" DVD

Hey. Be careful, folks. If you just grab what you think is the DVD to "Everybody Loves Babies" because of the stacked multi-colored horizontal stripes on the cover, you may get more than you bargained for. Like a movie with four interlocking stories all connected by a single gun that converge at the end and reveal a complex and tragic story of the lives of humanity around the world and how we truly aren't that different. Or about two pot growers who face off against the Mexican drug cartel who kidnapped their shared girlfriend.

Of course, if you're nearsighted to begin with, you might not be able to tell the difference.

Baby Hideaway Pool

Baby Hideaway Pool?! What the fuck are you talking about?!

Why the hell would baby hideaway in a pool? Everybody knows already that baby enjoys pool, so why would baby go skulking about like a criminal in some shady "hideaway" pool?

Baby enjoys pool. Baby not ashamed of enjoying pool, so fuck you for implying that baby has anything to be ashamed of.

Worse yet, fuck you for implying that baby has found a sneaky way to hide his alleged shame with a hideaway pool.

Baby enjoys pool and will enjoy pool in front of you, the entire viewing public, and the sweet Creator himself if need be.

Baby also having a hard time concentrating with busty woman who is not his Mom leaning over him like that. Making baby nervous.

So fold back the shade of the hideaway pool. Baby got nothing to hide.

Happy New Year from baby, by the way. Drive safe.

I Promise Not Every Entry Will Be About Babies From Now On, But Allow Me This One

Now, since having the baby a few weeks ago, the nursery has been filled with Bumbos, Boppies, Nuks, and other baby equipment you've never heard of. But there's one item that still kind of baffles the shit out of me. This hanging diaper holder.


What the cock? It holds your diapers and hangs on a closet doorknob out of your way, because apparently diapers stacked on a dresser is unsightly? Or are diapers considered "clothing," and that's why it holds them there? What if your changing table isn't near the closet or a doorknob? Fuck, Jamal.


Is it easy? Not really. Because you have to open it like a vagina to grab a diaper and pull it out sideways, and I KNOW you are sick of having just done that action. Also, if the thing is filled with too many diapers, you can't grab any of them easily. It's a design student project which I would grade a solid D. Somebody saw an adult's garment bag and decided to make a small inconvenient girlie one that holds shitbags.


Oh, and the white frilly ruffles. Fuck them, too. What an embarrassment.

Meanwhile In Jersey

Spotted In North Carolina

Wait, there are people who both get Limp Bizkit song lyric references and reproduce? Fuck.

Baby Float.

Baby float.

You read that right. Baby float. He float and he float now.

Look, baby float because baby want to float. Baby don't float because you ask baby to, or because you trick baby into, or because you force baby to. Baby float on baby's own terms, and that's that.

Where do baby float? Where do you think, idiot? In pool. Baby float in pool. Baby surprised you even asked where. When baby say 'baby float,' 'pool' is understood in subtext. Baby don't float in ocean or lagoon. That shit has tides.

Baby float. That's right. Baby float as long as baby want to, not because someone set a timer on baby or pool. "Clear the pool," lifeguard often say so lifeguard can do a few laps, but fuck that, baby float.

"Baby can't live in a vacuum," you say, "And no man is an island." Well, baby is no man, so baby can BE an island, because baby float. Just like island. And baby inflate float with air, so baby don't know why you talking about vacuum cleaners.

Baby float. That is fact of life that you are going to have to live with. Dog bark, bird fly, baby float.

That new Lady GaGa video is interesting.

In case you're wondering, that not Mommy in skinny yellow bikini near baby. That Meghan, baby's babysitter. Meghan's wan smile indicate that Meghan not really want to be at pool since ex-boyfriend hang out there all time. But who gives a shit, baby gotta float. And Meghan get paid good rate so Meghan should smile for real and stop bitching. Let baby float.

Baby float June 11, 2010. Baby gotta remember this moment, because baby gotta get job in 18 years. 2028? Something like that. Math hard to baby. Maybe after baby work a long, successful career and retire early, baby can go back to float full time. That would be nice. But for now, baby fucking float.

Baby float.

Cack.

Pictured above, what happens when the best part of "Fringe" comes on, and Agent Dunham is in trouble again, you're really into it, not realizing you can pause the DVR and attend to whatever is starting to smell like burnt peas and carrots.

Let's Make The EADJ Mail Sack Clean Up All Those Carrot Shavings It Left Around the Bed!

Submitted via text message by Andrew Gall and his fiancée Megan, "Spotted in the middle of Michigan City, Indiana."




Words fail.

Matt S: A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

Editor's Note: EADJ is proud to present a full entry by Toucan Cleric Fun's own Matt S. We look forward to entries like this in the future from this contributing art director!

A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

I used to joke with my old roommates that the surest way to come up with a "hit" TV show, movie, or band would be to combine any Animal, Group Affiliation and/or Number/Letter.

MantisTeam,
CougarSquad,
TigerCorps7,
GiraffeSector9.

And while I thought that conversation was only heard within the walls of our shitty 1.5 bedroom apartment in Murray Hill at the time, apparently our thoughts and ridicule leapt far across the pond to the shores of London.

Out of the ashes of Demoniak comes DragonForce, once almost titled DragonHeart.

That's right, DragonForce.

Not a new sci-fi show on My9. Not a USA Network miniseries.
Not even the new trading card game from the makers of Magic.

It's as if the 12-year-old you used to be, wasting hours away in your basement talking to Dungeon Masters about the best way to barter with orcs and gnomes was a guitar virtuoso.
Who actually lived in a Tolkein fantasy worlds. And believes that Hobbits are real, and Trees can walk.

That is, in essence, DragonForce.
They are the riders of thunderstorms. The dawn-bringers of fire and flames.
The saviors of the fallen. Those fell by Dragons.
In fact, nearly every song in their collection is a quest, a journey through the endless seas of damnation and the vanquishing of the pure from the evil and those with lost souls.

I ask you this: If the lads of DragonForce are riding with the horsemen warriors on long distant shores and always saving the souls of the forgotten through snow and tainted mountains, where do they get rehearsal space? Are their amps and mics on the mountains high?
Can they fill stadiums in the long forgotten wastelands?
And do the roadies for the group also have to walk the lonely road to battle chaos?

Who, may you ask, does the 'Force ride with on their quest of salvation of soul atop the wings of destiny?

Helloween rides with the DragonForce.
W.A.S.P. rides with the DragonForce.
Angra rides with the DragonForce.
Mendeed rides with the DragonForce.
Iron Maiden rides with the DragonForce.
Power Quest rides with the DragonForce.
Shadow Warriors ride with the DragonForce.

That says nothing, and yet everything.


DragonForce, as a musical group, are not simply Bringers of the Burning Starfire. They are talented, pushing your eardrums to submission by pure will and the might of what is right in these dark, evil times.
Amazing harmonies of guitars, complete with bleeding fingers.
And the drummer is amazing. Although he probably died of heart failure right after recording their first track.
So track 2's drummer is also amazing, but died.
Track 3? Great, but then he dies.
Track 4? Great, and dead.

They have 36 songs across 4 albumns. That's a lot of dead drummers.
I wonder if they are kept in a heap at the feet of the Dragon.


Their albumns are thus:

"Valley Of The Damned" (2003)
"Sonic Firestorm" (2004)
"Inhuman Rampage" (2006)
"Ultra Beatdown" (2008)


Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. They are weapons you can purchase online with XBox Live. Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. And I assure you, every album is a fatality. Of your soul.



Some of my favorite songs, not so much for their lyrical prowess, or their musicianship, but only for their titles alone:

Invocation Of The Apocalyptic Evil - The first track on their first album sets the tone for what is about to come. Again and Again.

Disciples of Babylon - I indeed hope to be a disciple of an aincent city destroyed and rebuilt and destroyed again and agian.

Fields of Despair - like the harvest fileds in the Matrix, only for your ears.

Operation Ground and Pound - Like the troop surge, only more successful, because all dragons and evil armies of demons are no more.

Strike of the Ninja - their best song, because it's about a ninja, and possibly the best song EVER. It could not be more ninja. It could try, but it would fail.

And the final track, EPM. Which may stand for Earplugs Please My Goodness, I'm hemmoraging in my soul!



Some of my favorite lyrics:


"On the black wind forever we ride on together
Destroying your evil with freedom our guide
When the master will storm us
He'll stand high before us
Our hearts filled with splendour
Our swords will shine over the light"



"Can't you see the history the suffocating madness
In the land of fallen souls there's nowhere left no place to go
I have traveled far and wide across the wasteland
Still searching for the answers for the right to understand"


"Still we're searching endlessly
Crashing over seven seas
Torturing the winter skies riding over plains of ice
Shadows in the fields of the slain!"


and


"Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh oh oh oh."



These guys are who the Orcs in Lord Of The Rings listen to, even though the Orc leaders have banned their CDs from Middle Earth.

If not for the hilarity of their name, song titles, and lyrics, they should be banned from THIS earth as well.

Fictionalization-a-rama!

The following is a totally made-up account based on the information given by this flyer:


Last Saturday, Joel flew out to New York to hang out with me and to enjoy the STONE STREET HISTORICAL DISTRICT OYSTER FESTIVAL that he's been hearing about for years. He had pawned his Nordic Track, refrigerator and his chimp servant's chimp-sized ATV to afford a plane ticket on such short notice. But he felt it was worth it to finally try the festival's famed FRESHLY SHUCKED OYSTERS and PERFECT PINTS OF GUINNESS. Joel had taken an extremely early flight to give him enough time to land, get his bearings, and cab it to the financial district by NOON, which was when THE FUN BEGINS.

And sure enough, he met me and my co-worker Barry between the two hosts of the event, ULYSSES' and HARRY'S. Crowds were starting to form already between STONE STREET AND MILL LANE– police had to cordon off the area to allow more foot traffic. Greta, a friendly woman in her forties, collected our $30, checked our ID's and gave us wrist bands. We thanked her, but she was too busy singing along to CHRIS BYRNE'S SEANCHAI & THE UNITY SQUAD, who were 10 minutes into their unique punk/funk Celtic hip-hop set.

Band website

A flip of a coin, and we three entered Harry's to start off with some CHAMPAGNE AND RIESLING. The main bar was too crowded, and no tables were available, so we huddled by the Golden Tee machine and toasted to the good life. A smelly dude with the teeth of a pirate was playing the game and seemed irked by where we were standing. Barry's elbow kept brushing against his, and it was affecting his drive. The dude intentionally spilled Barry's RIESLING.

The two eventually got into a shoving match while Joel ordered a round of HARP & SMITHWICK'S. Joel diffused the situation by eating the guy's dick, which gave Barry enough time to go outside and cool off. Barry was upset but also shocked at seeing Joel's knack for eating cock. I explained to him that Joel has changed a lot since Portfolio Center.

We went over to ULYSSES' to get our first dozen oysters and to check out MILO Z and LUNASA. They totally blew ass, so we decided to go back to HARRY'S and brave the hostility of the smelly dude. It was 1:30 by this time, and we hadn't eaten a single oyster yet. Only Joel was full (cock).

A harried waitress plopped platters of FRESHLY SHUCKED OYSTERS at the table we had finally snagged, and the feasting began. Joel spilled cocktail sauce all over his camo cargo shorts. Barry was on his third platter after 20 minutes.

Then the band started. In a predictable twist of plot, it was the smelly Golden Tee dude singing on stage! He turned out to be DAN DONNELLY, and he totally fucking sucked. Barry, Joel, and I booed all through his set, throwing oyster shells at his eyes and fingering his girlfriend (that wasn't me).

We drank and harangued and pissed ALL NIGHT. Barry lost his wallet in the women's toilet, and I found a lantern. Score!

Dan Donnelly's shitty website

Eating Dick Like It's Going Out of Joel

Is Joel coming back to Chicago?

That's what gossip blogs What Would Tyler Durden Do, I Don't Like You In That Way, The Superficial, A Socialite's Life, Perez Hilton, and What The Fuck Is Jessica Putting In Her Ass Crack are saying lately, now that the workload for the Creative Department at CK has increased.

Sources close to Ayana say that Joel might be doing a freelance gig, one that he hasn't done on site in over a year. These speculations, however, have been unconfirmed as of this posting; Joel's schedule hasn't even been consulted yet– and word has it that he's got an appointment to inspect the Dick-Eating Brigade in British Columbia later this week.

Stay tuned to EADJ for the latest in Joel news, dick-eating or otherwise.

(pictured above, a toy Joel bought at a rest stop gift shop that resulted in a $4,000,000 lawsuit)

ROBBERY!!!!

ACWORTH, Georgia (AP) -- Georgia authorities Wednesday were searching for three young females, possibly teenagers, who robbed a supermarket bank branch, laughing as they held up a teller with nothing but sunglasses to disguise their faces.

The three handed a Bank of America branch teller a note demanding cash, smiled as they waited and then walked (some say hopped) out with stolen money Tuesday, police said. One of them was cleaning their extremely fluffy paws.

It wasn't clear if they had a weapon, police said.

Their images, captured on bank surveillance video during the 12:15 p.m. robbery Tuesday, were released by police and already had led to several tips, Cobb County police spokesman officer Wayne Delk said.

Authorities have not said how much money was taken, but Delk said it is "considerable." Also, several baby carrots and a head of lettuce was taken from the produce section of the supermarket. The baby carrots were paid for.