Upcoming Exhibitors at the 2025 Consumer Electronics Show in Van Nuys, CA

Electronics manufacturers are flocking to the Van Nuys Convention Center next week to show off their newest consumer products. Attendees have been lining up since last week in anticipation of these groundbreaking reveals. Here are a few of the showstopping new releases that have most people excited:

• A wire-free soup warmer you can wear as a hat

• Staple removers that can give you an orgasm, even if it's usually difficult for you to achieve one

• A very jealous voice assistant that constantly accuses you of loving Tanya more

• Efficient washing machines that run on clean energy and a small cup of your newborn's blood plasma

• A new Android app that absolutely refuses to chop your dick off, no matter how likely it seems

• A laminating machine designed for the home office that won't stop talking about Slow Horses spoilers

• Subscription based kevlar jackets

Dear YouTube Algorithm,

 Dude, I thought you knew me? You got me wroooooooooooooong.

Yet Even More Terrible Porn Names

Before joining the porn industry, a lot of "hopefuls" think they need a big dong or some gigantic boobs to get started. And that's true, but you also need a catchy porn name. Something that sets you apart but isn't your real name, because who wants pervs showing up at your front door? Here now are some available porn names that you're free to use in your porn career. But keep in mind that like you, they will suck:

Him

Ty Tasshole

Little Lord Fondlemyballs

Q. Anon

Taika Bigshitonmychest

(your actual Social Security number)

Her

Shaquila Sunrise

Manda Lorian

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Medula Oblongottahaveit

Midi Chlorine

Sara Tonin

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters, Part II

This is a continuation of a segment posted in March. Feel free to read these thoughts in Morgan Freeman's dulcet baritone.

"Ah, yes. In the catbird seat, next to Ferris Bueller and Malcolm X. Better not get pricked by those bayonets, though."

"You know, this might be the very first time I've seen the actor's heads in the same sequence as the names listed. Truly, truly remarkable."

"Ah. Claiming upper right hand territory again. Wait, are we three just thoughts in Matthew McConaughey's head?"

"Upper left this time. Hmm. Interesting. Doesn't feel natural. And that miniature lady better not grab my boobs, too."

"Alright, upper right! Almost the entire poster, actually. Overdoing it."

"I look sad, but I am absolutely thrilled to be upper right corner."

"Shoot, upper left this time. I shouldn't complain, though–some poor soul's head got cut off behind me."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Home."

"What the fuck, people?! What am I doing in this dang lower right quadrant?! Patently unacceptable!"

"I do like my name big like that. But 2 Keanus (actually, more like 1.5) is more than I can handle."

"SOMEBODY TELL THAT LITTLE UNKNOWN GIRL THAT SHE'S SITTING IN MY SPOT."

"This feels right. Oh, shit. Is that my dandruff?"

"That's not me, you racist bloggers."

"Okay, upper right corner secured. Not exactly 'disembodied' like the title says, but I'll allow it."

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters

Editor's Note: Feel free to read all of these with Morgan Freeman's voice in mind. Not like you have a choice.

"So she's related to those country music Judds. Why isn't she in the group, too? I wonder if she's acting because she can't sing..."

"These pen-lights that they're shining on our faces is basically the most light I've seen shooting this dang film."

"Can spider's bite through beards? Hope not."

"An action/disaster film starring Christian Slater? The joke's on you, viewing public!"

"Maybe if I can get her to hum a few bars of something, I could tell if she's off pitch or the like."

"This is one fucked up version of 'The Brady Bunch' opening credits."

"Glasses. They don't make me look distinguished. They make me look like I've falling asleep reading Parade Magazine. Come on, now."

Oh Say Can You See... Racist Appliances?

J'Net's Got A Little Captain In Her.

The More Things Joel, The More Things Eat a Dick.

Joel's collection of Bratz dolls has increased sevenfold.

McDonald's new Happy Meals have seven different Bratz Big Babyz, including "Mermaidz" versions of Cloe, Jade, Sasha, and Yasmin. Add these to Joel's recent eBay score of six mint-in-box Bratz Babyz Ponyz, and you can definitely say that Joel's collection is the finest Bratz collection in all of his apartment complex.

Joel celebrated by cranking his CD of Bratz Rock Angelz on his mini system and eating a huge Spanish dick with salsa, refried beans, and a virgin margarita.

(pictured above, Jessica can barely contain her enthusiasm over the new hanging lights in the Cafe Kriv)