UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Plant Peppers

Planting peppers in your own garden is easy. Just follow these steps:

Step 1: Prepare the ground with a tiller or turning fork. Work a 3- to 5-inch layer of compost or other organic matter into the soil to a depth of 8 of 10 inches. Using your trowel, dig a planting hole just deep enough to cover the root-ball of the plant. Space holes 18 inches apart for most peppers; some of the larger bells may need 24 inches.

Step 2: Drench the biodegradable pot until it turns dark brown. Gently peel off the bottom of the pot so that the roots will be in direct contact with the soil.

Step 3: Set the plant in the hole so that the top of the root-ball is level with the ground surface. Do not plant deeply like tomatoes, or the plants may rot. Make sure to bury the top rim of the pot so that there is nothing to stick up above the ground after planting.

Step 4: Sprinkle plant food around the plant and in the soil that will go back into the hole. Whichever fertilizer you choose, be sure to follow label directions.

Step 5: Backfill the hole. When you are done, gently pat the soil around the roots to avoid air pockets, and water thoroughly. This is very important to help settle the soil and start the plant. If desired, add plant food to the water to give your plants a boost.

Step 6: Mulch with pine needles, straw, or compost to help keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds.

And speaking of needles and weed, I have a strict policy about drug use in my limousine: IF I CAN'T SEE IT, I can't report it to the police. You hear me, kids? Ride smart.

Some Unfortunate Things You Could Be Wearing While Having Road Rage

If you're going to be behind the wheel and suddenly flip the fuck out over something that happened on the road, here are some items of clothing we hope you don't happen to be wearing at the time:

• "Jesus Loves You" t-shirt
• ball gag
• screen-accurate Scarlett O'Hara cosplay
• your Taco Bell uniform
• "Ask me about refinancing your home today!" button
• a condom (while you're inside your wife)
• diabetes socks and Crocs
• papal vestments
• Paypal vestments
• "Miss Peru" pageant sash
• your Kennedy Honors Award Ribbons
• the macaw on your shoulder who repeats everything you say
• tar and feathers
• the look of love
• your dashing Mariachi band outfit, complete with rhinestoned sombrero, rhinestoned guitar and rhinestoned saddle for your burro (who is being towed in the trailer behind you)
• a name tag that says "Stan Lee," because you're Stan Lee

What The "Plus" Means In Many Store Names

Team Trailers Plus

"Plus"  = Truck Nutz and/or Yosemite Sam "Back Off" mudflaps

K&S Curtains Plus

"Plus"  = old lady smell, even though everything in the store is factory-new

United Mileage Plus

"Plus"  = automatic upgrade to any seat TWO rows away from the bathroom rather than ONE

Ville's Clothing Plus

"Plus"  = lint

Juice Bar Plus

"Plus"  = diarrhea that smells vaguely of mango and coconut

Lamps Plus

"Plus"  = more lamps

Citywide Alert

-------------------------------------Wednesday, 3/4/09
The New York Department of Public Flyaways and Frizzies
Memo For Immediate Release


11:33:45 AM--------------

THE NY DEPT OF PUBLIC FLYAWAYS AND FRIZZIES HAS ANNOUNCED A PUBLIC DANGER IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. SOURCES IN COLLABORATION WITH THE NYDPFF HAVE CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF ERRANT BALLS OF HAIR, OR "HAIRBALLS," CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE CITY. REFER TO PHOTOS 1A-3A FOR VISUAL CONFIRMATION, AIDED BY RED ARROWS THAT INDICATE THE DANGER.


THESE "HAIRBALLS" APPEAR SIMILAR TO TUMBLEWEEDS AND DRIED BUSHES FOUND IN ARIZONA AND UTAH. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF BEING MADE OF DRIED PLANT MATTER, THESE APPEAR TO CONSIST OF HAIR EXTENSIONS AND DETACHED HAIR WEAVES.


THESE "HAIRBALLS," -OR AS SOMEONE CLEVER IN OUR DEPARTMENT REFERRED TO IT DURING BREAK- "TUMBLEWEAVES," ARE NOT KNOWN TO BE DANGEROUS. HOWEVER, THEY DO NOT APPEAR TO BE SAFE, EITHER.


THE NYDPFF URGES THE PUBLIC NOT TO APPROACH, TOUCH, OR CATCH TO THESE "TUMBLEWEAVES" (IT IS A PRETTY CATCHY NAME, HOWARD). THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO INSTEAD NOTIFY THE NYDPFF BY DIALING "811."


ANY NEW YORK RESIDENTS OR VISITORS WHO ENCOUNTER FUTURE "TUMBLEWEAVES" ARE URGED TO STAY OUT OF WHATEVER TRAJECTORY THEY ARE ROLLING AND TO STAY INDOORS. LIKE MAYBE CATCH THAT NEW TYLER PERRY MOVIE, "MADEA GOES TO JAIL." THAT LOOKS KIND OF FUNNY.

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Let's Slip Some Date Rape Drug Into the EADJ Mail Sack With Our Red Baseball Caps On Backwards!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, the moment in the trailer for "The Education of Charlie Banks" where he decided not to watch the movie:



Are you serious. God, you are serious. Fuck you, Fred Durst.